MIL's erratic generosity making it hard to plan

[Anonymous]

Put the 529 plan under your name for the benefit of your DC- not in you dh's name

[Anonymous]

My ex was spending like crazy, relying on his inheritance from millionaire grandfather. He left him exactly $10,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should pretend her money isn't there and when she surprises you with a gift or help just be thankful.m and then you go back to your financial advisor and reallocate when you had been saving.

So give up on DH saving at all? I guess I have to.

No, you get marriage counseling to work on how to set joint goals and accomplish them. You need to forget about your MIL's money and hope that theiugh marriage counseling or financial counseling, you can get your husband on board too

This.

[Anonymous]

Why would you count on anything towards college from her? Treat it like a bonus if/when you get something.

[Anonymous]

OP, my dad is worth probably $10-$20 million. I sort of understand. But I don't have the DH problem, I can just tell you how I've handled it and perhaps how your DH should be thinking.

While he doesn't claim huge things he is also secretive about his generosity. I just go about it as if he will give us nothing. Except that the 529 issue is a bit more troublesome -- I know he has one for my kids and the thing is that if he puts a lot in it, I don't want to oversave on ours. So I've asked him to tell me when he contributes so we can also plan. Sadly, even that doesn't work, but he did once send me a balance sheet (it has like $5000 so I'm going to assume from here on out nothing, since it's not an issue, but in your case, it may be real.)


Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hmm...this is tricky and yes, the problem is with your DH. You need to have a serious financial talk with him and get him on board with your financial goals as a family.

My MIL is also well off and we have been told by FIL to expect a seven figure inheritance but, honestly, I'm just acting like it's never going to come and will just treat it as a pleasant surprise if it does. We are saving toward retirement and college with no inheritance in mind. She is also very generous with her money now - helping us pay for things around our house like new flooring or a new stove.

I figure by the time we inherit the money, we probably won't "need" it so we'll just use it to do what she did...help support our own children with their financial needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my dad is worth probably $10-$20 million. I sort of understand. But I don't have the DH problem, I can just tell you how I've handled it and perhaps how your DH should be thinking.

While he doesn't claim huge things he is also secretive about his generosity. I just go about it as if he will give us nothing. Except that the 529 issue is a bit more troublesome -- I know he has one for my kids and the thing is that if he puts a lot in it, I don't want to oversave on ours. So I've asked him to tell me when he contributes so we can also plan. Sadly, even that doesn't work, but he did once send me a balance sheet (it has like $5000 so I'm going to assume from here on out nothing, since it's not an issue, but in your case, it may be real.)


Good luck.

Thank you - this is actually really helpful to know that MIL's approach is not all that uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...this is tricky and yes, the problem is with your DH. You need to have a serious financial talk with him and get him on board with your financial goals as a family.

My MIL is also well off and we have been told by FIL to expect a seven figure inheritance but, honestly, I'm just acting like it's never going to come and will just treat it as a pleasant surprise if it does. We are saving toward retirement and college with no inheritance in mind. She is also very generous with her money now - helping us pay for things around our house like new flooring or a new stove.

I figure by the time we inherit the money, we probably won't "need" it so we'll just use it to do what she did...help support our own children with their financial needs.

Sounds very similar to our situation. My concern is that I just can't in good conscience accept the sizeable one-off gifts (vacation, home repairs, etc) when I KNOW we are not on track with financial essentials, like DH's retirement savings and especially college savings. For that reason I feel like I have to have a discussion with MIL about this so she at least understands the reality of our financial life, and can make informed decisions about how she wants to help us (if at all! which again, is 100% fine with me if we never see a penny again.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...this is tricky and yes, the problem is with your DH. You need to have a serious financial talk with him and get him on board with your financial goals as a family.

My MIL is also well off and we have been told by FIL to expect a seven figure inheritance but, honestly, I'm just acting like it's never going to come and will just treat it as a pleasant surprise if it does. We are saving toward retirement and college with no inheritance in mind. She is also very generous with her money now - helping us pay for things around our house like new flooring or a new stove.

I figure by the time we inherit the money, we probably won't "need" it so we'll just use it to do what she did...help support our own children with their financial needs.

Sounds very similar to our situation. My concern is that I just can't in good conscience accept the sizeable one-off gifts (vacation, home repairs, etc) when I KNOW we are not on track with financial essentials, like DH's retirement savings and especially college savings. For that reason I feel like I have to have a discussion with MIL about this so she at least understands the reality of our financial life, and can make informed decisions about how she wants to help us (if at all! which again, is 100% fine with me if we never see a penny again.)

And again, to address those who are calling me "Greedy Gretchen": one part of this whole story is that I feel like it is flat out disrespectful to essentially waste MIL's money. I consider it a waste if we are using it for a vacation, and not investing it in our DS's future. That is what seems greedy and wrong to me. My frustration is that we cannot all seem to have a rational conversation about this, because on the one hand it seems greedy on my part, and on the other hand DH is completely unwilling to address it on his own.

[Anonymous]

And again, to address those who are calling me "Greedy Gretchen": one part of this whole story is that I feel like it is flat out disrespectful to essentially waste MIL's money. I consider it a waste if we are using it for a vacation, and not investing it in our DS's future. That is what seems greedy and wrong to me. My frustration is that we cannot all seem to have a rational conversation about this, because on the one hand it seems greedy on my part, and on the other hand DH is completely unwilling to address it on his own.

Well...sorry but you can't really decide what gifts other people will give you. My parents occasionally pay for all of us to go on a vacation, and I would never dream of telling them they should instead give us the money so we can use it for college savings (or whatever), even though that is what I would use it for if I had my choice. My parents want to buy us a vacation, and that is their choice.

[Anonymous]

OP you can not dictate what gifts she gives you. It's up to you to fund college. If she wants to pay for vacations, that's her choice. You can still accept that even if you are behind on college savings.
Essentials are for you to pay for. MIL wants to help with the fun stuff.

You sound very controlling and yes greedy.

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar situation with my inlaws. We know they are saving for college for our kids. However, they haven't told us how much so we have no way of knowing if they are saving $50/month per kid or $20k/year per kid into the 529 accounts they have for our kids. Either is possible based on their income (FIL still works as a law partner). I have NO idea and I doubt they will ever share until the kids turn 18. They have a history of controlling information.

It's a weird position to be in because we don't know if we should aggressively save for college or if the inlaws are planning on paying. So we save into our own 529k plans as if they aren't. Personally I think it would be SO much easier if the communication were open about things like this. I expect nothing from them but it would just be much easier to plan if they are indeed planning on paying.

[Anonymous]

We have a mystery situation too. Some things are very transparent, but other items are closely guarded. I wish we could have a businesslike discussion about balances, plans, etc. But inevitably, emotion is tied in. DH doesn't want to ask, so it simply doesn't happen. However, we do get copied on the quarterly 529 statements from their brokerage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a mystery situation too. Some things are very transparent, but other items are closely guarded. I wish we could have a businesslike discussion about balances, plans, etc. But inevitably, emotion is tied in. DH doesn't want to ask, so it simply doesn't happen. However, we do get copied on the quarterly 529 statements from their brokerage.

previous poster here. This would be SO helpful but my MIL would never do this sort of thing. It's way too rational for her. She prefers the information control and to keep us guessing.
LOL.
So we save in full and completely ignore the fact that they say they "have college accounts for the kids". Again, I have ZERO idea if she's talking $10 a kid or $100K a kid.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like since you've gotten nowhere with DH, and i disagree that you should just save for your own retirement and wait and see.

It's time to bring in a financial advisor. I am assuming the financial advisor will ask for specifics...and when DH says "well my mom is planning to give/leave us $" the financial advisor will ask for details about the amounts, how trusts are organized, whether mom has long-term care insurance or whether her $ would be used for nursing care if she needs it, etc... I assume the financial advisor will have seen many, many family situations where expected inheritances haven't panned out, and may deliver a wake-up call. This may not lead to any clarity about MIL's contributions, but at least you and DH may get on the same page about the need to save for retirement and college.