Sister can't get over my miscarriage

[Anonymous]

Very weird.

Maybe?....maybe she had a miscarriage herself and is experience the grief of her own mc via yours? It's the only explanation I could think of that is within any range of normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister clearly has some sort of personality disorder, though I have no idea which one.

Don't know it's an official DSM thing but I'd say she seems to see herself as central to everything. Maybe she's freaked out that you're having feelings about something other than her.

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree-- your mom feels entitled to decide whether you have a right to grieve.

Hug your kids and husband tight and be glad you didn't turn out like them.

I disagree that is the sisters version of what mom said. Mom was probably trying to tell sister to not be so sad and put it in perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very weird.

Maybe?....maybe she had a miscarriage herself and is experience the grief of her own mc via yours? It's the only explanation I could think of that is within any range of normal.

This is what I thought too. Maybe she we really young when it happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. When my sister had c a miscarriage at 6 weeks, she was abusive to everyone in her grief. She moved in with my parents and left her husband for 6 months. She caused me to have a strained relationship with my parents, because she was living in their home a b d started arguments with me every time I tried to see them.

It's not okay to become a horrible person because you are the center of The Ring.,

Interesting, but this relates to OP's story how?

I'm not that PP, but I think the reference is to the other posts advocating that OP "be a jerk" about this in order to somehow wake up her sister. And posts are saying the sister is doing it all for some self-centered reason. Like that PP above, I find all that pretty harsh.

OP, can you maybe look at your sister as rather pitiable here? I know -- you had the miscarriage, she did not, and yes, she has overstepped boundaries (I think it was especially bad to haul your mother's long-past comments into the light again.) But it sounds as if, first, you are finding that your sister and you may have vastly different personalities and vastly different ways of dealing with things, and second, she is not able to process the idea that anyone would react to a loss in a way that's not her own way. She just doesn't "get" that you ARE grieving because she defines grieving so differently from you. It does not make her bad or a horrible person to have that failing (though some PPs would think so). It does mean she's not very perceptive about others' feelings but that doesn't turn her into a horrid person; in fact, she's way too concerned with your feelings in her way.

And maybe that's what she needs to hear, along with some acknowledgement that she was supportive at the time even if she's going too far now: "You were really there for me when it happened and I will never forget that. I'm concerned that you understand that even if it doesn't look to you like I'm grieving, I am, but I think you and I do it very differently. Bringing up the miscarriage might help other people 'process' it, but for me it only increases the pain and keeps it too fresh. I do appreciate that you were already thinking of the baby as part of our family. And I need you to know that I do think about the baby much more than you see or hear. But if you want to help me process and grieve this, the best way to do that is not to discuss it with me or send me articles. Instead, let's do things together as sisters and as aunts to each others' kids, and honor the baby by being a family that takes joy in every day."

I'd plan things to do with her and her kids so you are both focused on all the children and don't have openings for private discussions when she could bring this up And if she continues to press you about having another baby yourself -- the comments about how she waits for news must be painful -- I'd take the same approach and say firmly but kindly that you know she means to be supportive but and you understand she is being positive, but you can't help feeling the comments as pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.

[Anonymous]

I saw that article on ScaryMommy and wanted to send it to my SIL. Our babies would have been 5 weeks apart. That article truly articulated how I felt. I'm second guessing sending it to her now.

I would be straight with your sister. Some people want to avoid talking about their miscarriage, others want people to acknowledge their baby's existence. It is so personal and different for everyone. I'm sorry your sister can't seem to figure out that you want some space about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.

Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe because she has 3 boys, the little girl is special to her, and she was hoping you had another girl.

She is living vicariously through you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.

Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?

You seem to be looking for ways to be offended. Clearly she's saying there's a difference between an early miscarriage (loss of someone who never lived in the world among us) vs someone who was born, breathed, bonded and lived as a separate being. Yes, it's fine to be sad when someone has a miscarriage. It's a bit odd to obsess over someone else's miscarriage though. Especially publicly greiving more than the parents are, to the point when the mother who suffered the loss firsthand is experiencing pain caused by the other person's obsession. It's weird to obsess over someone else's pregnancy that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw that article on ScaryMommy and wanted to send it to my SIL. Our babies would have been 5 weeks apart. That article truly articulated how I felt. I'm second guessing sending it to her now.

I would be straight with your sister. Some people want to avoid talking about their miscarriage, others want people to acknowledge their baby's existence. It is so personal and different for everyone. I'm sorry your sister can't seem to figure out that you want some space about it.

Do not send her that article. I have also read it. It may articulate how YOU feel, but it is HER tragedy. Miscarriage is such an ugly, unfair thing. While your heart is in the right place, she doesn't need to be reminded that you have a healthy baby, and she doesn't, or how her tragedy makes you sad for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.

Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?

You seem to be looking for ways to be offended. Clearly she's saying there's a difference between an early miscarriage (loss of someone who never lived in the world among us) vs someone who was born, breathed, bonded and lived as a separate being. Yes, it's fine to be sad when someone has a miscarriage. It's a bit odd to obsess over someone else's miscarriage though. Especially publicly greiving more than the parents are, to the point when the mother who suffered the loss firsthand is experiencing pain caused by the other person's obsession. It's weird to obsess over someone else's pregnancy that much.

Thank you for being the arbiter of grief. How long exactly does a child have to live? If a baby lives 2 days is that good? Does a parent whose baby lives 6 months and dies of SIDS gets to feel more sad than one who dies at 4 months?

Please tell us more who wins the grief party when a child is lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw that article on ScaryMommy and wanted to send it to my SIL. Our babies would have been 5 weeks apart. That article truly articulated how I felt. I'm second guessing sending it to her now.

I would be straight with your sister. Some people want to avoid talking about their miscarriage, others want people to acknowledge their baby's existence. It is so personal and different for everyone. I'm sorry your sister can't seem to figure out that you want some space about it.

Do not send her that article. I have also read it. It may articulate how YOU feel, but it is HER tragedy. Miscarriage is such an ugly, unfair thing. While your heart is in the right place, she doesn't need to be reminded that you have a healthy baby, and she doesn't, or how her tragedy makes you sad for yourself.

I'll agree, don't send it. I have had 3 miscarriages. I feel a bit differently about all of them, and one thing I've learned is that women all deal with them in their own way. Your friend might love that you sent that, or she might feel really uncomfortable that she doesn't agree. Or even that it seems you feel MORE upset by something she's already put in her past. Basically, it's complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.

Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?

You seem to be looking for ways to be offended. Clearly she's saying there's a difference between an early miscarriage (loss of someone who never lived in the world among us) vs someone who was born, breathed, bonded and lived as a separate being. Yes, it's fine to be sad when someone has a miscarriage. It's a bit odd to obsess over someone else's miscarriage though. Especially publicly greiving more than the parents are, to the point when the mother who suffered the loss firsthand is experiencing pain caused by the other person's obsession. It's weird to obsess over someone else's pregnancy that much.

Thank you for being the arbiter of grief. How long exactly does a child have to live? If a baby lives 2 days is that good? Does a parent whose baby lives 6 months and dies of SIDS gets to feel more sad than one who dies at 4 months?

Please tell us more who wins the grief party when a child is lost.

No one is talking about parents here. It is family members who do not actually have a bond with the baby.

Yes, it is weird for sibling to be SO upset over a miscarriage or still birth. It was not your kid. Sure, some saddness is normal, but there is a limit. In my example, constantly posting on Facebook about your unborn nephew is weird. Taking photos with your still born nephew and then posting them on Facebook is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).

I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).

Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.

There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.

Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?

You seem to be looking for ways to be offended. Clearly she's saying there's a difference between an early miscarriage (loss of someone who never lived in the world among us) vs someone who was born, breathed, bonded and lived as a separate being. Yes, it's fine to be sad when someone has a miscarriage. It's a bit odd to obsess over someone else's miscarriage though. Especially publicly greiving more than the parents are, to the point when the mother who suffered the loss firsthand is experiencing pain caused by the other person's obsession. It's weird to obsess over someone else's pregnancy that much.

Thank you for being the arbiter of grief. How long exactly does a child have to live? If a baby lives 2 days is that good? Does a parent whose baby lives 6 months and dies of SIDS gets to feel more sad than one who dies at 4 months?

Please tell us more who wins the grief party when a child is lost.

When my child lived less than an hour, the whole family grieved. Everyone acted appropriately and didn't try to make their grief more than mine. When I had a miscarriage, others were sad for us but didn't really grieve for months and make me uncomfortable by bringing it up often.

How other people grieve over losing children who were born isn't really relevant here though, because the op is talking about her sister grieving so intensely over the OP's miscarriage that it's making her uncomfortable. The sister is being inappropriate and making the OP's loss about herself more than the OP. Maybe she needs therapy. Maybe she's just selfish. Who knows. But trying to suggest it's somehow the same as losing an infant is bizarre.