Sister can't get over my miscarriage
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Anonymous
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My sister and I are not incredibly close, but have gotten to be closer over the years, especially since we’ve had children. We text or message each other maybe once a week at the most. She’s always been a little obsessed with my DD. When I called her to tell her I was having a girl, she started crying (even though she was apparently in a store line at the time), and has always made little jokes about wanting to steal her, get her ears pierced, take her out shopping and pretend she’s the real mom, etc. A little weird, but my sister is a girly girl and has 3 boys, so while I didn’t like it, it didn’t bother me enough to tell her to stop. I wish she was as interested in my DS, but she doesn’t ignore him or anything.
Anyway, this past year, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. It was devastating. My sister was supportive, but I tend to want to be alone/grieve privately when sad things happen. DH is the same. I had to have a D&C, and while we appreciated others checking in to see if we needed anything, we pretty much declined any offers for help, hid out for a little while, and grieved together. My sister, though, kept texting and calling, wanting to talk about it, even after I told her I didn’t really want to, that we were just taking our time, etc. She kept insisting that I needed to talk about and needed to grieve. I tried to tell her, “Yes, I understand, and that’s what I’m doing. In my own way.” Eventually she tapered off, and life went on. Lately, she has brought it up again. A few weeks ago we were at a family event, and she started telling me about my mom’s reaction to my miscarriage, which was apparently less than supportive (basically, we should not be so upset about the loss because we have two healthy kids and many people don’t have that). My sister also told me that she (my sister) “cried for days,” and even now “starts crying out of the blue” over it. It just feels very weird and uncomfortable, and it doesn’t even seem like she’s doing this to make me feel better. She’s just talking about how it affects her, like she wants me to comfort her. The worst was this weekend, when she sent me this Scarymommy article that was super-creepy, about a friend mourning another friend’s miscarriage, because she had already made all these future plans about her friend’s child, and was devastated that it wasn’t going to happen. I sort of get it, but again, why are you telling me this? I’m the one that had the miscarriage, remember? Finally, along with the article, she messaged me and said, basically, “I know you didn’t find out the sex, but I decided that she was a girl, and I think you would have named her Larla. I’ll always love our little Larla.” I was just… dumbfounded. I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. DH and I had privately assigned a sex and name to our child, and kept it to ourselves. And no, it wasn’t Larla. I don’t know where to go from here. I want her to stop with all this, but I know if I say something now, she’s already done so much that she might be embarrassed. I also don’t want to act like I’m “over” the miscarriage, because I’m not. I just don’t want to discuss it anymore, maybe never. We are still trying to have another baby, which my sister is also moderately obsessed with, to that point that she’s told me “Every time I see your number pop up, I automatically assume you have news for me!” Talk about pressure! How can I get her to shut up about this without being a jerk? |
Anonymous
| State calmly that you can't discuss this anymore, and to please not bring it up again. If she tries, tune her out. Her fixation is very weird (sounds like she has unresolved longing for a baby daughter), but she's your sister. Do your best to shut it down without a fight. |
Anonymous
| Your sister clearly has some sort of personality disorder, though I have no idea which one. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you should avoid being a jerk, I think that is exactly what the situation calls for.
You should tell her she is making your pain all about herself and it's hurtful. She needs to stop talking to you about your miscarriage, not because miscarriage is shameful or anything but because YOU have stated YOU don't want to talk about it. The whole deciding it would have been a girl and naming your child thing? I would have lost it on her right then and there. Kudos to you for not hitting her, you're a better woman than I am. |
Anonymous
| I don't know but I'm emotionally exhausted just reading your message. I think you should be honest about the miscarriage. Who cares if she feels embarrassed (she won't, fyi). Play the victim, if that helps. "When you bring up my miscarriage it makes it harder for me to grieve. Please stop bringing it up to me." |
Anonymous
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I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).
I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby). |
Anonymous
Don't know it's an official DSM thing but I'd say she seems to see herself as central to everything. Maybe she's freaked out that you're having feelings about something other than her. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree-- your mom feels entitled to decide whether you have a right to grieve. Hug your kids and husband tight and be glad you didn't turn out like them. |
Anonymous
I agree, however, it may end up in a fight. Her fixation is beyond odd. You may have to acquaint her with the "Ring Theory,": http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407 The miscarriage happened to you and your DH. She's in an outer circle with this. |
Anonymous
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Np here and was going to post the la times article about ring theory as well. No words, just the link.
If she responds something like"oh I know, poor me" I'd be assured she had a cluster b disorder and distance myself. |
Anonymous
| Maybe because she has 3 boys, the little girl is special to her, and she was hoping you had another girl. |
Anonymous
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Woman here. When my sister had c a miscarriage at 6 weeks, she was abusive to everyone in her grief. She moved in with my parents and left her husband for 6 months. She caused me to have a strained relationship with my parents, because she was living in their home a b d started arguments with me every time I tried to see them.
It's not okay to become a horrible person because you are the center of The Ring., |
Anonymous
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I think you need to arm yourself with a few firm lines to make it really clear you don't want to discuss it anymore. Your sister sounds a bit selfish, and also like she is NOT picking up on normal social cues. When she brings it up say "Mary, thank you for your support about our miscarriage in October. But can I ask you a favor? Please stop bringing it up. DH and I have mourned, and still are, in our own ways. And I've found that when you bring it up out of the blue, it makes me uncomfortable. If I want to discuss it, I will mention it. Otherwise, can we please work on putting it behind us? Thanks". Then firmly any time she brings it up "Mary, remember? I don't want to discuss it.". And then "Mary, please stop" followed by hanging up the phone, leaving the room, etc. to make your point.
Be firm, be kind. She sounds well meaning, but a bit clueless. |
Anonymous
Interesting, but this relates to OP's story how? |
Anonymous
| Its really about her wanting to have a girl. Kindly but firmly tell her you are grieving in your own way and she is making it worse. |
Anonymous
| Send an email "dear sister when you bring it up it actually makes me feel worse not better. I know you are trying to help, but I really don't want to talk about it anymore in the future. Thank you for understanding." |