Reply to Sister can't get over my miscarriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Woman here. When my sister had c a miscarriage at 6 weeks, she was abusive to everyone in her grief. She moved in with my parents and left her husband for 6 months. She caused me to have a strained relationship with my parents, because she was living in their home a b d started arguments with me every time I tried to see them.

It's not okay to become a horrible person because you are the center of The Ring.,[/quote]

Interesting, but this relates to OP's story how? [/quote]

I'm not that PP, but I think the reference is to the other posts advocating that OP "be a jerk" about this in order to somehow wake up her sister. And posts are saying the sister is doing it all for some self-centered reason. Like that PP above, I find all that pretty harsh.

OP, can you maybe look at your sister as rather pitiable here? I know -- you had the miscarriage, she did not, and yes, she has overstepped boundaries (I think it was especially bad to haul your mother's long-past comments into the light again.) But it sounds as if, first, you are finding that your sister and you may have vastly different personalities and vastly different ways of dealing with things, and second, she is not able to process the idea that anyone would react to a loss in a way that's not her own way. She just doesn't "get" that you ARE grieving because she defines grieving so differently from you. It does not make her bad or a horrible person to have that failing (though some PPs would think so). It does mean she's not very [i]perceptive[/i] about others' feelings but that doesn't turn her into a horrid person; in fact, she's way too concerned with your feelings in her way.

And maybe that's what she needs to hear, along with some acknowledgement that she was supportive at the time even if she's going too far now: "You were really there for me when it happened and I will never forget that. I'm concerned that you understand that even if it doesn't look to you like I'm grieving, I am, but I think you and I do it very differently. Bringing up the miscarriage might help other people 'process' it, but for me it only increases the pain and keeps it too fresh. I do appreciate that you were already thinking of the baby as part of our family.  And I need you to know that I do think about the baby much more than you see or hear. But if you want to help me process and grieve this, the best way to do that is not to discuss it with me or send me articles. Instead, let's do things together as sisters and as aunts to each others' kids, and honor the baby by being a family that takes joy in every day."

I'd plan things to do with her and her kids so you are both focused on all the children and don't have openings for private discussions when she could bring this up And if she continues to press you about having another baby yourself -- the comments about how she waits for news must be painful -- I'd take the same approach and say firmly but kindly that you know she [i]means[/i] to be supportive but and you understand she is being positive, but you can't help feeling the comments as pressure.

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