BIL and SIL are killing me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

When they text trying to change the plans, call them back, don't text. If they don't answer, send a text saying "if you aren't ready to head to the zoo in the next 30 mins, it's probably best to wait until tomorrow. Let's stick with the plan for the aquarium. See you later!". Then go to the grocery store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

Um...when they ask if it's too late to change plans, just say YES! PROBLEM SOLVED.

[Anonymous]

Are they always like this? Unable to make solid plans or is it just a vacation thing?

My dad and uncle always used to clash on family vacations because my dad likes to have at least the outline of a plan and my uncle is very play-it-by-ear. However, during his normal day-to-day life, my uncle was always very scheduled. He liked to relax during vacation and not plan too much.

Maybe they like the be plan-free during vacation to relax?

[Anonymous]

Here's a tip: Do not sweat people like this, because they are NOT sweating you- guaranteed.

As for MIL- for every worry or concern she came out with I'd respond "you raised him" or "that's just the way he is" (I'm assuming it's BIL and DH's mother)

I'm not a major planner. People trying to make plans while on vacay especially just tire me out with all their concerns. So if you want them on board, for sure made a sched of times/places and they'll at least be able to get it together to be ready AT THOSE TIMES. Otherwise it'll be a crapshoot for what/when they want to do something.

I know this because it's how DH and I are. If we have a sched- even one thing a day we stick to it. My DH's parents dither and lollygag and get last minute ideas for plans, and though DH and I are far from big-planners, they make us look like wallstreet daytraders.

We have to explain to them 'no, at this time of day we'll be fighting traffic. We can go downtown or up to Baltimore if you want, but we would need to leave earlier in the day so lets leave that for another day'. If you are saying you are hungry NOW, we won't get there for another hour, so lets eat nearby.

They pick restaurants or parts of town that we wouldn't feel safe in and suggest we go at night and they are just naïve and don't understand why we say no. Literally, we had to casually mention shootings at certain metro stops or areas for them to get that it wasn't because 'we don't want to eat seafood'. Also, they get their tourist on, dithering and lollygagging, stopping at the bottom or tops of escalators, etc and honestly, I want to rob them, myself.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they have a car? so no reason to meet at your house before going out. Like other posters said, "We will see you guys at the zoo. We'll be there at 9am, call us when you get there." That way you can get on with your day, they aren't pressured by you, and you still get to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, op. My dh can be a bit like this. He's very diligent about being on time for things, but he's also big on switching plans at the last minute. Drives me nutty, because it means I have to very quickly figure out all the things that are impacted by the plan change, and I don't know if I've got it all or not, and it leaves me very uncomfortable. Just make a plan and stick to it!

[Anonymous]

People who plan vacations like OP make me feel so stressed and anxious. I'd much rather play it by ear when I'm on a break. The rest of life is scheduled enough...when else can my family just relax and have some spontaneity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who plan vacations like OP make me feel so stressed and anxious. I'd much rather play it by ear when I'm on a break. The rest of life is scheduled enough...when else can my family just relax and have some spontaneity?

I understand this in theory, and was like this pre-kids, but it's hard with little kids to be completely spontaneous if you also want to do much more than sit around the house...and it's really hard with a mixed age group of kids. My toddler is 100-times more manageable and pleasant if she eats and naps on time (and by that I mean within a 1-2 hour window, which is pretty flexible for a 2 y.o. IMHO). That's about all she needs, as well as some sort of energy release which can even just be running around in the backyard (as long as there are bigger, read park, outings the day before or after). But ILs still don't seem to understand or care about that, and are constantly delaying or changing their minds etc...and then they make comments about how she's so cranky etc when she meltsdown b/c they want to go to a restaurant for lunch at 2pm which is an hour after her naptime and she hasn't eaten a proper lunch since I had to give her something on the go while ILs did whatever it is they wanted to do. I pretty much just try to insist we stick to her schedule and don't mind being kind of a nag about it since I know everyone is happier in the end.

If you want relaxation/spontaneity, don't expect your relatives that you are visiting with little kids to be able to accommodate all of your whims. I don't mind if that's your preference, but then you need to be a bit more independent with your plans.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've learned to deal with these types of differences by planning some of the time, but then planning a stretch of time that's unplanned. It accommodates both the planners and the laid back people. In your case, it really sounds like your in laws like to start the day later (and lounge around in the morning) and you like to hit the ground running.

So I'd consider a.m. (until lunch/naptime) to be "unscheduled hanging out time" and then plan an activity in the afternoon. In your head, you've planned out the whole day and in their heads, they can do whatever they decide last minute in the a.m.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

I know, I know, OP. It is maddening. With people like this I get more INflexible.
I think you just have to be VERY conservative, time-wise. Knowing they will be late for everything, yes, it is too late to change plans. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also suspect that since they're this way, they won't really care if you are, too. You worry that if you went to the grocery, the morning's plans would be ruined. On their end, they'd get a text that you're at the grocery, and they'd just wait around until you got back.

Now your MIL, I have no idea what to do about that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

OMG, this is my sister and BIL to a tee. It drives me absolutely bonkers. My family (2 kids) met up with my sister's family (1 kid) at our parents' house last summer for a week. My sister and I had planned to cook most meals, since my mom's health is failing. The first night, I say to sis, "Let's make a plan of what we're making and when, make a grocery list, and go shopping." She looks at me like I'm nuts and says, "It's my vacation. I don't make lists on vacation." Ooookay. So we ended up going out to eat a lot, my husband grilled steaks one night, and I cooked one night. I wish she had just told me she didn't want to cook at all! That would have been ok -- but leading up to the trip, she seemed to be all-in on the shared cooking duties.

We had lots of other tangles like that one -- they like to sleep late, except my nephew woke up early and guess who had to take care of him til mommy and daddy woke up every day? By the time they woke up, dressed, and ate, it was usually about noon and my kids were bouncing off the walls. We finally had to just do our own thing (which made them furious) and let them catch up if they were interested. My sister still hasn't forgiven me, and our trip was last September.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

OMG, this is my sister and BIL to a tee. It drives me absolutely bonkers. My family (2 kids) met up with my sister's family (1 kid) at our parents' house last summer for a week. My sister and I had planned to cook most meals, since my mom's health is failing. The first night, I say to sis, "Let's make a plan of what we're making and when, make a grocery list, and go shopping." She looks at me like I'm nuts and says, "It's my vacation. I don't make lists on vacation." Ooookay. So we ended up going out to eat a lot, my husband grilled steaks one night, and I cooked one night. I wish she had just told me she didn't want to cook at all! That would have been ok -- but leading up to the trip, she seemed to be all-in on the shared cooking duties.

We had lots of other tangles like that one -- they like to sleep late, except my nephew woke up early and guess who had to take care of him til mommy and daddy woke up every day? By the time they woke up, dressed, and ate, it was usually about noon and my kids were bouncing off the walls. We finally had to just do our own thing (which made them furious) and let them catch up if they were interested. My sister still hasn't forgiven me, and our trip was last September.

Dude, send nephew in to get mommy and daddy. It is not your job to watch their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

OMG, this is my sister and BIL to a tee. It drives me absolutely bonkers. My family (2 kids) met up with my sister's family (1 kid) at our parents' house last summer for a week. My sister and I had planned to cook most meals, since my mom's health is failing. The first night, I say to sis, "Let's make a plan of what we're making and when, make a grocery list, and go shopping." She looks at me like I'm nuts and says, "It's my vacation. I don't make lists on vacation." Ooookay. So we ended up going out to eat a lot, my husband grilled steaks one night, and I cooked one night. I wish she had just told me she didn't want to cook at all! That would have been ok -- but leading up to the trip, she seemed to be all-in on the shared cooking duties.

We had lots of other tangles like that one -- they like to sleep late, except my nephew woke up early and guess who had to take care of him til mommy and daddy woke up every day? By the time they woke up, dressed, and ate, it was usually about noon and my kids were bouncing off the walls. We finally had to just do our own thing (which made them furious) and let them catch up if they were interested. My sister still hasn't forgiven me, and our trip was last September.

Dude, send nephew in to get mommy and daddy. It is not your job to watch their kid.

This is PP -- ha! I tried that one morning. He came out again and said, "Mommy said it was ok if you gave me breakfast."

[Anonymous]

First off, you can take Metro to the zoo, and go to Cleveland Park as it is closer to the zoo and it is all downhill.

Secondly, "parades and road closures in DC". What parade is happening today? Tomorrow? Friday? I am sure that is a figure of speech, but gimme a break, do your research before shooting off your mouth.

I think these people are taking advantage of you, and one thing I have learned in life, when you wait on people, nothing ever gets done. So, don't wait.