BIL and SIL are killing me

[Anonymous]

We are polar opposites. I plan. They don't. I organize. They don't. To each their own. They came to visit and it is killing me. They arrived last night at 11:30. I asked what they believed the best plan was. They said "we will call you when we get up. Somewhere between 9:30 and 11." I have learned over time to just roll with it. I ate breakfast, took a walk with DD, did laundry, DH mowed the lawn. They arrived at 10:45. They had not eaten breakfast. Ok. So then we make pancakes. Fine. "So what is the plan today?" We lay out optIons. Zoo, aquarium, park, DC, White House. Mother in law does not want to do DC "too many road closures and parades." Ok. Aquarium. Then little niece (5) wants park and not aquarium. Fine. Go to the park at 11:30, play, home for lunch, and then my DD can still get a nap in normal time. "Do you have a booster we can borrow?" Huh? Our kid is 2. I offer our second car seat (Britax Boulevard). I am not sure if younger kid is too big, but better than nothing? Now we have to go to Walmart to get a booster. Why didn't they bring one?!?

Mother in law micro manages everything. Should we call at 9:30? No. They said they would call us. Maybe we should just make breakfast in case. Do you want to make breakfast, mom? "Well, if it will just sit there, no." OMG

Pulling out of Walmart, MIL says "I think he was signaling to you." He was not. I don't think they are pulling out. Something is wrong. It was not. They must be lost in the parking lot. They are not.

And DH does not talk well with brother (DH is younger), never articulates needs, and fights all the time with mom over micromanaging.

They have been here less than 24 hours and are staying until
Tuesday. I will not make it. Can't tell anyone else this, so thanks DCUM!

[Anonymous]

I have the same ILs and have played this game many times before.

Tip - tomorrow plan what you want to do. Tell them where you will be and when and that they can meet you there or do something else.

Do not stress if you wanted to go to see Wonder and they don't get there until 1 and the line is around the museum - oh well.

My oldest is ten and I will tell you now it does not get better until you come to terms that 1 - your DH will not say a dam thing. 2 - you MIL is your MIL and she will not change 3 - this is how you BIL/SIL are and it will not change.

Do not stress over gear, schedules, clothes. Take care of you and your needs. Even thought you know that their kid is going to melt down at 1:45 - not your problem if you are only leaving for the zoo at 1:15.

[Anonymous]

Sounds familiar.
My DH would totally be like this if I let him! He has ADHD, has trouble organizing himself both at work and at home - but refuses treatment. So at home, I do the planning, and at work, he suffers the consequences.

Only agree to host such people when you are not stressed with anything else (job, health, whatever). Then go with the flow, and don't be afraid to make your own independent plans. Better not invite MIL at the same time, she sounds terribly anxious! Just like my mother.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You must make plans. If they are slow to show up or respond, don't let it affect your plans. Focus on "catching up" with them later versus sitting around "waiting" for them.

Leave MIL to sit around and wait for them.

[Anonymous]

And now, they eat lunch at 2:30, cause you can't eat what is at my house, you need to go out. Lunch finishes at 3:30. 3:30 is not lunch anymore!!! This is maddening.

[Anonymous]

Meet it head-on:

"OK guys, you know me, I'm a planner. Here are our plans for your upcoming visit. Here's a list of planned meals and food I'll have around as snacks. Here's a list of available kid gear. Please make your plans accordingly, and let me know if you'd rather do something different so we can all be on the same page."

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope *you* did not buy them a booster seat at Walmart! Who travels w/a small child and doesn't bring a booster? Did they at least pay for the new one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meet it head-on:

"OK guys, you know me, I'm a planner. Here are our plans for your upcoming visit. Here's a list of planned meals and food I'll have around as snacks. Here's a list of available kid gear. Please make your plans accordingly, and let me know if you'd rather do something different so we can all be on the same page."

+1. I more or less do this. I don't know if my ILs are just not planners or don't want to appear like they're an imposition, but the bottom line is the same. They never will offer suggestions on anything, nor will they even provide an opinion when presented with choices. They rarely mention being hungry until it is already a meal time. Now I just plan menu and rough plans ahead of time. We'll accommodate/change if necessary, but for the most part they go with the flow. Extra work in some ways, but way less stress in others. Though, I will say, you should get used to the fact that somehow even with planning things will not go exactly as planned. Over Thanksgiving, when I had already made plans for the aquarium including borrowing a larger car from our neighbor to accommodate everyone, MIL ended up last minute arguing it was all too much trouble and blah, blah, blah. No, too much trouble right before we're leaving and have already told the kids our plans would be coming up with an alternative and assuaging hurt kids feelings. More recent visit, and ILs just refused to get moving for the day because "they so rarely talk to DH", despite leaving me to cook breakfast for 3 kids and deal with them literally bouncing off walls because we've already promised them an outing but their grandparents don't want to leave or stop monopolizing their uncle who needs to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meet it head-on:

"OK guys, you know me, I'm a planner. Here are our plans for your upcoming visit. Here's a list of planned meals and food I'll have around as snacks. Here's a list of available kid gear. Please make your plans accordingly, and let me know if you'd rather do something different so we can all be on the same page."

+1. I more or less do this. I don't know if my ILs are just not planners or don't want to appear like they're an imposition, but the bottom line is the same. They never will offer suggestions on anything, nor will they even provide an opinion when presented with choices. They rarely mention being hungry until it is already a meal time. Now I just plan menu and rough plans ahead of time. We'll accommodate/change if necessary, but for the most part they go with the flow. Extra work in some ways, but way less stress in others. Though, I will say, you should get used to the fact that somehow even with planning things will not go exactly as planned. Over Thanksgiving, when I had already made plans for the aquarium including borrowing a larger car from our neighbor to accommodate everyone, MIL ended up last minute arguing it was all too much trouble and blah, blah, blah. No, too much trouble right before we're leaving and have already told the kids our plans would be coming up with an alternative and assuaging hurt kids feelings. More recent visit, and ILs just refused to get moving for the day because "they so rarely talk to DH", despite leaving me to cook breakfast for 3 kids and deal with them literally bouncing off walls because we've already promised them an outing but their grandparents don't want to leave or stop monopolizing their uncle who needs to drive.

Why does visiting have to include outings? Seems like they just really want to visit their son. Do the outings when they aren't there.

[Anonymous]

OP, do your BIL/SIL like you/your family or your MIL? I noticed that people are more adamant about making plans with people that want to spend time with. When it comes to people they are obligated to spend time with but aren't really excited to do so they drag their feet with making plans.

I agree with PP. Decide what you want to do and tell everyone and let them adjust it if necessary.
I wouldn't wait for someone to arrive that late and then make them food and then start making plans for the day. I don't need a rigid structured schedule but a rough option for the day is nicer than spending the whole day wondering what the heck is going on. Even if it is just me deciding that we are going to hang around the house all day and have X for dinner it's better than waiting for everyone else to decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meet it head-on:

"OK guys, you know me, I'm a planner. Here are our plans for your upcoming visit. Here's a list of planned meals and food I'll have around as snacks. Here's a list of available kid gear. Please make your plans accordingly, and let me know if you'd rather do something different so we can all be on the same page."

+1. I more or less do this. I don't know if my ILs are just not planners or don't want to appear like they're an imposition, but the bottom line is the same. They never will offer suggestions on anything, nor will they even provide an opinion when presented with choices. They rarely mention being hungry until it is already a meal time. Now I just plan menu and rough plans ahead of time. We'll accommodate/change if necessary, but for the most part they go with the flow. Extra work in some ways, but way less stress in others. Though, I will say, you should get used to the fact that somehow even with planning things will not go exactly as planned. Over Thanksgiving, when I had already made plans for the aquarium including borrowing a larger car from our neighbor to accommodate everyone, MIL ended up last minute arguing it was all too much trouble and blah, blah, blah. No, too much trouble right before we're leaving and have already told the kids our plans would be coming up with an alternative and assuaging hurt kids feelings. More recent visit, and ILs just refused to get moving for the day because "they so rarely talk to DH", despite leaving me to cook breakfast for 3 kids and deal with them literally bouncing off walls because we've already promised them an outing but their grandparents don't want to leave or stop monopolizing their uncle who needs to drive.

Why does visiting have to include outings? Seems like they just really want to visit their son. Do the outings when they aren't there.

They brought a 6 and 8 y.o. with them for a week. They will go stir crazy without outings for that long, as will my toddler. Don't bring little kids if you don't want to leave the house.

[Anonymous]

They don' t have to stay with you. You can call the shots.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a little annoying but not the end of the world. Some people like to plan, some want to relax during their vacation and aren't high strung or upset if the plans don't work out to the itinerary. Relax its ok!

[Anonymous]

OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

I would advice if they don't txt back or if you are in the middle of texting and making plans CALL so you can hang up w a plan vs waiting for a text.

It's annoying I get it I do but its not that terrible