BIL and SIL are killing me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think the thing that kills me is that there is just a lot of sitting around and waiting for them. They don't articulate what they are thinking, and so they "play it by ear" but that leaves the rest of us waiting until they are ready. Today, we talked about going to the aquarium in Baltimore. Planned to meet at 10. I had planned to go grocery shopping in the AM, since DD gets up at 7. Shop before they get there, and then go to the aquarium. Then, they texted at 8:30 "Is it too late to switch and go to the zoo?" We had talked about the zoo yesterday, and knew that we would need to get there early to get parking. We texted back "zoo will be great. Let's make sure to get there early so that we can get parking and since MIL can't be out in super strong sun. What time do you think you will come over?" They did not text back. So, do I go and do my errand and risk them waiting on me? Do I wait for a text back and then decide if I have enough time? Do I skip grocery shopping and then do it when we get back? They end up arriving at 10 - we get to the zoo and no parking (as expected).

Again, their lack of planning / play it by ear / whenever we get there attitude is frustrating because it leaves people waiting until they "grace us with their presence." [They never say that, it just feels like that....]. We had a great time at the aquarium and I was happy to make the change, but I would have preferred not to have to grocery shop at 8:45 pm. I would not have had to do that if they had just texted back that they planned to arrive at 10 or "getting in the shower now, need about an hour."

They came to DC to visit us (and see DC). It feels rude of me to "make a plan" and tell them to come along or don't. "We are going to the zoo at 9. See you or not." I would be really annoyed if I took I train 6 hours to see someone and then they couldn't make time to spend time with me.

I guess that is the crux of my frustration. I feel like the point is to spend time together. Outings or hanging out would be fine, but let's decide. If you are just going to "stop by whenever" as I live my normal life, that is fine, but that seems like it would not be worth making the trip down.

Um...when they ask if it's too late to change plans, just say YES! PROBLEM SOLVED.

This!

Do you know about ask culture vs. guess culture (http://www.thewire.com/national/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/19730/)? I feel like maybe there's some of that conflict happening in this situation.

If they are happy to leave things unsettled, then obviously zoo vs. aquarium is not a big deal to them, so don't feel as though you have to agree to last-minute changes. They are asking, and you can say no.

[Anonymous]

OP, make your own plans and have them conform to your plans. If they don't, tough luck. It was amazing to read you didn't want them to wait for you to come back from grocery shopping! Really? When all you do is waite for them?

Hey, they're free to play it by ear all the want, as long as this doesn't inconvinience your. I was in a slightly different situation when a bunch of egg headed adults expected my toddler to take naps when they thought appropriate. Well, he showed them LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who plan vacations like OP make me feel so stressed and anxious. I'd much rather play it by ear when I'm on a break. The rest of life is scheduled enough...when else can my family just relax and have some spontaneity?

Yes, when it's just you and spouse. No way with young children. No way with older children either Outright rude and inconciderate when multiple other relatives are involved. If nothing is planned, and everybody is doing their own thing, why bother traveling to see each other? Enjoy the spontaneity of your home state.

[Anonymous]

Actually OP you are the micro-manager in this situation and are a control freak.

Do whatever you want during the day. Tell them to text you when they are on the way to your house. If they get there before you do, the world will not end. They will figure out a way to entertain themselves or give them suggestions. Tell them to grab a coffee and snack at a nearby place or something.

It doesn't even sound like they care if they do touristy DC stuff. They don't care about going downtown and their kids were happy with a trip to the park. And so you had to go to Walmart to buy a booster? Big deal.

If the express the desire to go to museums, lay out the best times to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually OP you are the micro-manager in this situation and are a control freak.

Do whatever you want during the day. Tell them to text you when they are on the way to your house. If they get there before you do, the world will not end. They will figure out a way to entertain themselves or give them suggestions. Tell them to grab a coffee and snack at a nearby place or something.

It doesn't even sound like they care if they do touristy DC stuff. They don't care about going downtown and their kids were happy with a trip to the park. And so you had to go to Walmart to buy a booster? Big deal.

If the express the desire to go to museums, lay out the best times to go.

Honestly, +1. I'm surprised that PP is the first to point out that you sound a bit exhausting, especially the way you are obsessing over their intentions. Maybe I am *too* laid-back, but what is the need to plan down to the minute when they're on vacation? Sounds like you can go about your life and they'll deal.

I don't see the big deal about the Walmart trip, either. So what? You're looking for reasons to be annoyed.