Just told him it's over

[Anonymous]

Breaking up is never an easy thing (I sound like Taylor Dane here!), but if circumstances warrant it, then it's better done soon rather than later trust me.

Who wants to get their heart broken??
None of us, but we ALL do at least once in our lifetime.

It is where we derive our emotional strength from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Courage?? For giving up on marriage??

It can be harder to admit your marriage is over than continue to pretend it isn't. Yes, courage.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I'm having second thoughts. It's not a feeling of "I can't live without him". We've been together for a very long time so there's no puppy love. All I want is happiness, stability and no drama -- for me and my children. I said it was over because I think this will never end. It will be a lifetime fighting and stints of the silent treatment if I don't. But at the same time, if we just make up, it all goes back to normal now. We head to the beach and have a great week. but then what message am I sending to my kids? That that's a Normal relationship? If I leave, it's a hell of a lot more instability and drama until I don't I when. It's so hard because I don't know what the other side will look like. Maybe I'm just getting scared and need to stay strong?

[Anonymous]

Yes, stay strong. I am 1.5 years out and go to court this week for the final dissolution. I, too, am beating myself up and second guessing. But it isn't because what was there was good. It can be incredibly hard to give up on hope and to give up the idea of you in a relationship.

This is one of the things I hate about Facebook - those stupid see your memories thing. Today I got two from prior Spring Break trips, include the last trip we took as a family before the split. That was hard. But the thing is, those memories and pictures I posted to Facebook at the time did NOT show the whole picture. Your mind is doing the same thing right now - editing your life through a nostalgia lens so it looks much better than it was.

If you want help getting through, look for the blubbering mess in Family Court this week in Rockville. That will be me. And trust me - there is NO QUESTION I had to get out, and I am still all torn up about it. It is part of the process. You will get through.

[Anonymous]

I think the path of least resistance is to stay. It's familiar and comfortable. But you know you're not happy and the interaction is setting a horrible example for your children. I'm in the same place you are. We've been doing this dance for 6 months now (but fighting for much longer). He's the one that's been pushing to end things, I finally said "you're probably right", and now he has his tail between his legs. I am trying to stay strong and focused and get this going in the direction I think we both want deep down. I think we will both be better for it in the end, as well as our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm having second thoughts. It's not a feeling of "I can't live without him". We've been together for a very long time so there's no puppy love. All I want is happiness, stability and no drama -- for me and my children. I said it was over because I think this will never end. It will be a lifetime fighting and stints of the silent treatment if I don't. But at the same time, if we just make up, it all goes back to normal now. We head to the beach and have a great week. but then what message am I sending to my kids? That that's a Normal relationship? If I leave, it's a hell of a lot more instability and drama until I don't I when. It's so hard because I don't know what the other side will look like. Maybe I'm just getting scared and need to stay strong?

Write a note-to-self, to remind yourself one lonely year from now why you thought this was a good idea. It may give you strength some winter night in an empty cold bed, when you start to have second (or third) thoughts.

[BobRoss]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm having second thoughts. It's not a feeling of "I can't live without him". We've been together for a very long time so there's no puppy love. All I want is happiness, stability and no drama -- for me and my children. I said it was over because I think this will never end. It will be a lifetime fighting and stints of the silent treatment if I don't. But at the same time, if we just make up, it all goes back to normal now. We head to the beach and have a great week. but then what message am I sending to my kids? That that's a Normal relationship? If I leave, it's a hell of a lot more instability and drama until I don't I when. It's so hard because I don't know what the other side will look like. Maybe I'm just getting scared and need to stay strong?

As a man just recently separated, my only advice is to know what the goals of the separation are. Do you need space to calm down, time to start respective individual therapies, pre-divorce? Do you think reconciliation is a realistic possibility, and if so, what would it take? This is hard to think about, but I think it can be important. The problem with separation is that usually one person wants it and the other one doesn't, which makes these types of conversations hard to have (I get that!) The first time I found out my recent ex considered our separation permanent was when she picked up the kids without her wedding band on. I'm glad I know, because now I can start to get finances, house sale, etc...moving. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the fewer surprises the two of you pull on each other, the better off both of you and the kids will be. Plus, if you understand what you need from the separation, it will be much easier to get it. The ambivalence you seem to feel (and I know it VERY well) can be heartbreaking and paralyzing.

Getting a divorce doesn't need to be a foregone conclusion at this point, unless that's what you REALLY want. But separating without some form of plan to reconcile is probably a death warrant to the marriage. Just my opinion.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I let DH know yesterday that I am no longer willing to forgive his lying and cheating. I have a kid too. It is no fun ... sorry there are so many of us. Be strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself (emotionally, physically, financially) and your kids. Ignore idgets like 23.22. Want more support? You might want to check out www.chumplady.com. Good luck to you and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm having second thoughts. It's not a feeling of "I can't live without him". We've been together for a very long time so there's no puppy love. All I want is happiness, stability and no drama -- for me and my children. I said it was over because I think this will never end. It will be a lifetime fighting and stints of the silent treatment if I don't. But at the same time, if we just make up, it all goes back to normal now. We head to the beach and have a great week. but then what message am I sending to my kids? That that's a Normal relationship? If I leave, it's a hell of a lot more instability and drama until I don't I when. It's so hard because I don't know what the other side will look like. Maybe I'm just getting scared and need to stay strong?

Change is really scary even if it is likely to be a change for the better. Your DH will manipulate you via the silent treatment, etc. to try to get you to let things remain the same because he likes it the way it was. Write yourself a private letter and carefully detail all the reasons you feel the current situation is not what you and your kids deserve. Read it when you need to in weak moments. Women do not disolve relationships on a whim ... I trust you have very good reasons for why it is over or you never would have reached this point. Write them down. Read them often. Be strong because it is worth it. YOU are worth it. YOUR KIDS are worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the path of least resistance is to stay. It's familiar and comfortable. But you know you're not happy and the interaction is setting a horrible example for your children. I'm in the same place you are. We've been doing this dance for 6 months now (but fighting for much longer). He's the one that's been pushing to end things, I finally said "you're probably right", and now he has his tail between his legs. I am trying to stay strong and focused and get this going in the direction I think we both want deep down. I think we will both be better for it in the end, as well as our children.

Actually I think sometimes the path of least resistance is to give up. To say I'm not willing to be a partner anymore and I want my 'happiness' and too often that is by default their kids happiness. They have a lifetime of a split home etc and quite taking a financial hit as well. Guess what, you don't escape your ex either and your kids can look forward to blended family dealing with each other as a business relationship where the kids are involved.

[Anonymous]

"Write a note-to-self, to remind yourself one lonely year from now why you thought this was a good idea. It may give you strength some winter night in an empty cold bed, when you start to have second (or third) thoughts."

I did this and do this - not when I'm feeling lonely, but when I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Our brains have an amazing way of blocking out bad memories, so its not until I look at my notes (which I put together in order to process the end of the relationship) that I remember how crazy things were and how dysfunctional the relationship was.

And to 11:50 - Well, I happen to think that providing my kids with one functional home that could be a calm, safe and predictable place was better for them than continuing as things were. It's not like I wanted to no longer be married, its that I didn't feel like there was any other choice, given the emotional problems of my ex. So, no, it was definitely not the "path of least resistance to give up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And to 11:50 - Well, I happen to think that providing my kids with one functional home that could be a calm, safe and predictable place was better for them than continuing as things were. It's not like I wanted to no longer be married, its that I didn't feel like there was any other choice, given the emotional problems of my ex. So, no, it was definitely not the "path of least resistance to give up."

Right on, PP. I think the only people who write drivel like that have never actually separated or tried to divorce. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I have done some really hard things in my life. It is not easier, and most women, like OP and the other ones on this thread, don't pull that trigger without really good cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to 11:50 - Well, I happen to think that providing my kids with one functional home that could be a calm, safe and predictable place was better for them than continuing as things were. It's not like I wanted to no longer be married, its that I didn't feel like there was any other choice, given the emotional problems of my ex. So, no, it was definitely not the "path of least resistance to give up."

Right on, PP. I think the only people who write drivel like that have never actually separated or tried to divorce. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I have done some really hard things in my life. It is not easier, and most women, like OP and the other ones on this thread, don't pull that trigger without really good cause.

Then they come back to DCUM 6 months later and post "why can't I find a guy, any guy?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to 11:50 - Well, I happen to think that providing my kids with one functional home that could be a calm, safe and predictable place was better for them than continuing as things were. It's not like I wanted to no longer be married, its that I didn't feel like there was any other choice, given the emotional problems of my ex. So, no, it was definitely not the "path of least resistance to give up."

Right on, PP. I think the only people who write drivel like that have never actually separated or tried to divorce. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I have done some really hard things in my life. It is not easier, and most women, like OP and the other ones on this thread, don't pull that trigger without really good cause.

Then they come back to DCUM 6 months later and post "why can't I find a guy, any guy?"

Actually, I post on DCUM about how online dating sucks because there are too many guys. I'm abut to break up with another one. It is not that hard to find someone to hang out with if you want to. I don't know anyone who wants a guy who doesn't have one. Finding one you want for long term is harder, but I know many women who have post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to 11:50 - Well, I happen to think that providing my kids with one functional home that could be a calm, safe and predictable place was better for them than continuing as things were. It's not like I wanted to no longer be married, its that I didn't feel like there was any other choice, given the emotional problems of my ex. So, no, it was definitely not the "path of least resistance to give up."

Right on, PP. I think the only people who write drivel like that have never actually separated or tried to divorce. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I have done some really hard things in my life. It is not easier, and most women, like OP and the other ones on this thread, don't pull that trigger without really good cause.

Wrong! I'm divorced. Of course of its the right thing to divorce in some situations. I happen to think that given the evidence that women are much more likely to file that there are some (!) marriages that could be salvaged if BOTH partners were willing to work at it.