Reply to Just told him it's over

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[quote=BobRoss][quote=Anonymous]Op here. I'm having second thoughts. It's not a feeling of "I can't live without him". We've been together for a very long time so there's no puppy love. All I want is happiness, stability and no drama -- for me and my children.  I said it was over because I think this will never end. It will be a lifetime fighting and stints of the silent treatment if I don't. But at the same time, if we just make up, it all goes back to normal now. We head to the beach and have a great week. but then what message am I sending to my kids? That that's a Normal relationship?  If I leave, it's a hell of a lot more instability and drama until I don't I when. It's so hard because I don't know what the other side will look like. Maybe I'm just getting scared and need to stay strong?

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As a man just recently separated, my only advice is to know what the goals of the separation are. Do you need space to calm down, time to start respective individual therapies, pre-divorce? Do you think reconciliation is a realistic possibility, and if so, what would it take? This is hard to think about, but I think it can be important. The problem with separation is that usually one person wants it and the other one doesn't, which makes these types of conversations hard to have (I get that!) The first time I found out my recent ex considered our separation permanent was when she picked up the kids without her wedding band on. I'm glad I know, because now I can start to get finances, house sale, etc...moving. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the fewer surprises the two of you pull on each other, the better off both of you and the kids will be. Plus, if you understand what you need from the separation, it will be much easier to get it. The ambivalence you seem to feel (and I know it VERY well) can be heartbreaking and paralyzing.

Getting a divorce doesn't need to be a foregone conclusion at this point, unless that's what you REALLY want. But separating without some form of plan to reconcile is probably a death warrant to the marriage. Just my opinion.

Hang in there![/quote]

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