MIL who won't listen
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Anonymous
This. You have no idea what you are about to undertake. I think you are rude and ungrateful. Cloth diapering is a mess and requires a ton of work. |
Anonymous
Op here again, in the card at my shower she said we got you a six month subscription to a diaper service. I have no idea if she has actually purchased it or it was kind of like a we will pay for one of your choosing...my shower was just this weekend. I told DH maybe we can try it for six weeks or so, but I also don't want to let my guard down either. As to why I don't want a diaper service, I researched it and would rather stick to my plan and diaper choices I have already picked. When we initially said we didn't want it,I don't think we said cleaners specifically since my sister has offered to pay for one for a few months, but that there might be other options if they want to help out. |
Anonymous
| I love first time parents-to-be. So indignant about everything. OP- you may really want that diaper service when you're elbow deep in poopy diapers. This may not be the sword to fall on. |
Anonymous
Yuuuuup. Had somebody offered me 6 months of free diaper service I'd be falling over myself to kiss their feet. And even if you truly decide you don't want it OP, just approach this from a place of "MIL is trying to be nice and helpful". Makes it a lot easier to deal with than "MIL is trying to force this expensive, thoughtful gift that many new mothers would kill for on me". |
Anonymous
| I was a nanny for a few years, so dirty diapers don't bother me ( nanny for newborn twins and then a spina bifida kid). Once again, I'm more concerned of the we nicely said no and she disregarded it anyhow. |
Anonymous
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yea, get used to it.
Sometimes grandparents feel that they are above certain norms of protocol for their grandchildren. You can whine all day long that you "said no nicely but she didn't listen" but she won't care. You'll be in for many years of being frustrated. Maybe get dh to talk to her but that still won't work. Just learn to appreciate her good intentions. Take the diaper service. |
Anonymous
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Gifts should always be graciously received. You don't have to use them, but be gracious and grateful for them. If you are asked and you give an opinion on a gift, and the giver still does what they originally wanted, you act grateful and you accept it and then find an alternate use for it, whether gifting to someone else or just ignoring it. You don't get to ask for another gift and you don't act ungrateful to the giver, especially when it is family. That kind of attitude will burn you in the long run. If someone later asks why you aren't using their gift you can reiterate that you made a different choice as you mentioned when they first asked, but that you appreciate the thought that came with the gift. But you leave it at that. You aren't entitled to a gift (even from an in-law), so you just accept in the manner it was given.
Family visits are a different situation though. I agree you have to set your boundaries early and ensure that you don't let someone else walk over your boundaries. If they try to push to come and visit and stay with you, possibly even making travel arrangements first, then you make arrangements/a reservation for a hotel as close as possible and let them know that you have made those arrangements for their stay. You can let them know when visits to the house will be appropriate. But don't let them stay more than you can tolerate because once you start, it sets a precedence that can often be hard to change. Even if you do change the precedence, it can often cause lasting ill will. Just nip it in the bud and set your limits early. |
Anonymous
Not op. PP I'd bet you are the type most comfortable with passive aggressive communication. Direct communication works. |
Anonymous
More than likely this is a new parent making sure she doesn't get walked over by a controlling mil. I think it is very important to shut down boundary stomping behavior at the get go. |
Anonymous
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No advice, just sympathy. I've found that the controlling behavior you've described is something that doesn't go away after the infant stage. We have the youngest grandkids in the family, and although (when asked) we have told the grandparents our preferences on gifts for the kids, 9 times out of 10 they ignore our requests and get us something we don't want or specifically asked not to receive because "this is what we got the older grandkids on their first birthday/4th birthday/whatever event. We've even been told "sometimes it's not about the kids needs, it's about what the grandparents want".
Not to be a downer, but I guess I'm saying - get used to this behavior. Try not to let it bother you, but the wastefulness is a shame. |
Anonymous
No, I think I was pretty clear, I think OP is rude and ungrateful and that cloth diapering is messy and requires a ton of work especially for new parents. What about that says passive aggressive. OP's MIL didn't ask her what she wanted for a gift, her MIL gave the gift MIL wanted to give. |
Anonymous
Well, it sounds like everyone has accepted that "that's just the way she is" so it's on you to just be who you are, OP. Being gracious about it is always the way to go---even when saying no. I wouldn't say anything about "being best for our family" because that just draws a line. It's mean, too. Off loading it discretely and allowing the chips to fall where they may might be the best route here. Rather than try to change her, just do you. Politely. Trading it for house cleaning sounds like a plan. I had to deal with this issue with my own mother, who'd buy things she thought appropriate no matter input I provided. In the end, it came down to "a gift is a gift, Mom." I'd thank her, of course, then return it and use the money for something else. She came on board rather quickly. I think in my case it was something like a baby mini bath tub. I didn't use it, but surely appreciated the wipes I'd traded it in for. I thanked her for those as well! There are a lot of ways to defend boundaries, OP. You don't need to confront or lay down the law. Simply carry on and do what's best for you and yours. GL. I look forward to reading future posts about this MIL. |
Anonymous
This was my first reaction as well. Contact the diaper service and ask them what the steps are if you do not want it. But the person to do this is NOT you, OP. It's your husband. And he, not you, is the one to tell his mother, "We talked with the service and it wasn't for us so we've (asked them to refund your credit card or whatever happens). Mom, we really appreciate the idea of your wanting to help us with something that's a day to day chore. This is a cleaning service we found and it costs the same as the diaper service--can we swap them?" Unfortunately, as the person who paid, she might have to be the person to cancel the diaper service so he would have to involve her in that end of things. I hope not. This is not exactly a "hill to die on" as the expression is here on DCUM, but at the same time, this is also a pretty intrusive kind of service if it's unwanted and a waste if it's unused. And it's not like it's a fruit basket of the month club where you can take what you want and haul the rest to the office or give it away to friends. Were you crystal clear that you did not want it, or did you and/or DH kind of try to be nice when you said no, and MIL saw that as polite waffling, so she went ahead? Also, you mention the family dynamic with his being the baby. Think about that and if you feel there is some larger, longer pattern of his putting his parents ahead of you -- if he always wants to keep the peace with mom and seems to fear upsetting her -- that's learned behavior for many adults who have overbearing parents, and you and he may need some serious talk about whether he's more concerned with peacekeeping than with setting boundaries. If this is really just a one-off thing that's different, but if there's a larger pattern with him -- time to talk about that, especially if he doesn't recognize it. |
Anonymous
Cloth diapering a newborn is not that bad, PP, you're over exaggerating. Sure, plenty of diapers but they're easy to wash, no need to rinse, etc. OP, I'm with you. If you've already bought and prepped your diapers then a service doesn't make sense. You're doing all of this right, just make it clear to your MIL that it won't work. |
Anonymous
| I'd probably just try the service. Really, what's it going to hurt? |