MIL who won't listen

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are expecting our first kid in a few weeks...DH is the baby boy of the family, which I think plays a role in the dynamics of family relationships...

Anyhow, MIL offered up a diaper service and when I researched it felt it wasn't really for us and thought there might be other services (much rather have a cleaning service for the allotted time) that we would find more helpful. We expressed this to her and my FIL. Low and behold at my shower guess what her gift was? A 6 month subscription to a diaper service.

I guess my problem is a few things. We told them in a nice way that we didn't think it would be helpful and went about it so I can't refuse it (making it my shower gift). My MIL is now trying to set up a phone call to discuss the service (I don't think she actually has done the research, she is out of town) which would put it on me to figure out....so I have made my DH deal with it, which I think upset my MIL because when my husband called, she expressed how she wanted to talk to me about it.

This is their first long distance grandchild and one of my concerns is they won't know how to grandparent/set boundaries with our kid (they watch the other grandkids a lot which makes them have a bigger role in their upbringing). I think this on the heels of telling her we rather not have anyone (including my parents) stay at our house after the baby is born, but open for long day visits has made her upset all around. I'm trying to walk the gentle line of not letting her take control (she does this often) and setting some boundaries.

thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Oy. The offer you can't refuse. Fantastic. You are handling this the right way.

[Anonymous]

why can't you refuse it? Contact the service and see if you can return the subscription. If not, sell it discounted to someone else. Use the money to hire a housecleaner.

If she asks, you say, "yeah I looked into it and it wasn't for us. thank you for the gift though."

[Anonymous]

People who like to take control do not listen when they hear what they do not like. You really need to nip this in the bud or it will take over at some point. I am not a person who likes direct confrontation but I prefer it over the alternative.

Simply write her a nice note that says " Thank you for thinking of us with your generous shower gift. We however continue to believe that a diaper service is not something that will work for our family. As such we simply can not accept your gift. Enclosed is the certificate. I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, we just need to set things up how they best work for our family."

When / if she calls just repeat (and repeat).

[Anonymous]

I would say we share a MIL, except my DH is an only child so that's impossible...

You can still refuse to use the diaper service. It would be a waste of money but a good lesson to your MIL. That's probably what I would do in your shoes. I also like the PP's suggestion to try to resell the subscription and use the money for something you can use.

I'm also pregnant with #1 and I have similar concerns about in-law boundaries. I think you're handling things perfectly. Just keep establishing those boundaries. No, you will not have overnight guests. No, you will not use gifts that you said you have no need for. No, MIL cannot decide how you are going to feed your kid or what time is nap time or how many cookies a baby can eat. Repeat ad nauseum.

Good luck. If you hit on any magical technique that works with ILs who have no sense of boundaries, please come back and share.

[Anonymous]

I think you are handling it well. Let your husband sort it out. This is not your hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Just be gentle and calm and direct. I'd let your DH handle the diaper service issue completely. If it goes to waste, oh well. Don't give in to her "I want to talk to DIL about this". Have your DH say you are resting and he's the one to talk to about it.

Stay firm on the visits. Be welcoming and kind when they do show up, but firm on the "no over night guests" rule if that's what you want. Feathers are always ruffled a bit more in anticipation of the arrival, and once a new visiting routine is set up, you might find she relaxes.

Most of all, direct ALL her negative commentary or remarks to your DH. If she looks at you at dinner and says "why can't I stay the night?" you look at your DH and say "darling, your mother has a question for you".

[Anonymous]

Are you even using cloth diapers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be gentle and calm and direct. I'd let your DH handle the diaper service issue completely. If it goes to waste, oh well. Don't give in to her "I want to talk to DIL about this". Have your DH say you are resting and he's the one to talk to about it.

Stay firm on the visits. Be welcoming and kind when they do show up, but firm on the "no over night guests" rule if that's what you want. Feathers are always ruffled a bit more in anticipation of the arrival, and once a new visiting routine is set up, you might find she relaxes.

Most of all, direct ALL her negative commentary or remarks to your DH. If she looks at you at dinner and says "why can't I stay the night?" you look at your DH and say "darling, your mother has a question for you".

Yep, this! Is DH good about handling her generally?

Also, start practice saying things like: "No, thank you!" "I've got it!" "Hmm, let me think about that." "We're doing what works for us." "We're doing what our pediatrician recommends." etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why can't you refuse it? Contact the service and see if you can return the subscription. If not, sell it discounted to someone else. Use the money to hire a housecleaner.

If she asks, you say, "yeah I looked into it and it wasn't for us. thank you for the gift though."

This is what I would do. Also, redirect her to DH.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand, did she think you were using cloth diapers? You told her you didn't like this company but she bought it anyways? Maybe she forgot. Let your DH handle this issue and also the visiting issue after baby is born. He needs to be firm but polite.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks for all the responses.

We do plan to cloth, but I already have diapers prepped and ready to go! I have no idea if she actually picked a service or not (maybe that is what the phone call she wants is about). It was just hand writtened in a card. I guess I am more concerned about us telling her no in a nice way and her doing it anyway. This is her personality and DH whole family just says "that's just the way she is". I have put up with her literally yelling at me at our wedding in the middle of the dance floor for a decision her son made...so she likes the drama for sure.

I'm making DH deal with the diaper situation and we have had many talks about how we need to be a united front. I guess I just know I'm going to have to put my foot down because I'm not having it when it comes to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks for all the responses.

We do plan to cloth, but I already have diapers prepped and ready to go! I have no idea if she actually picked a service or not (maybe that is what the phone call she wants is about). It was just hand writtened in a card. I guess I am more concerned about us telling her no in a nice way and her doing it anyway. This is her personality and DH whole family just says "that's just the way she is". I have put up with her literally yelling at me at our wedding in the middle of the dance floor for a decision her son made...so she likes the drama for sure.

I'm making DH deal with the diaper situation and we have had many talks about how we need to be a united front. I guess I just know I'm going to have to put my foot down because I'm not having it when it comes to my kids.

yikes!! you are lucky they are far away!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks for all the responses.

We do plan to cloth, but I already have diapers prepped and ready to go! I have no idea if she actually picked a service or not (maybe that is what the phone call she wants is about). It was just hand writtened in a card. I guess I am more concerned about us telling her no in a nice way and her doing it anyway. This is her personality and DH whole family just says "that's just the way she is". I have put up with her literally yelling at me at our wedding in the middle of the dance floor for a decision her son made...so she likes the drama for sure.

I'm making DH deal with the diaper situation and we have had many talks about how we need to be a united front. I guess I just know I'm going to have to put my foot down because I'm not having it when it comes to my kids.

I don't understand. I thought the gift was a 6 month subscription to a diaper service. What did you actually receive?

The dynamic can change anytime you want it to. That might be how she is but you don't need to tolerate the behavior. Might as well start with something small like a diaper service that she either did or did not buy you.

[Anonymous]

WHile I understand that she is pushy and you need to set boundaries, I don't understand why you don't want a diaper service if you are using cloth diapers.

Maybe just try out the service for 6 months and then go from there.

btw, it's rude of you to suggest that you would rather have a house cleaner than a diaper service. She offered diaper service, not "whatever household service you want".

I only wish I had said "no overnight guests" to my mil back in those days.