What he says or what he does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

No, "every" 35 year old well-adjusted straight male does not claim not to want to get married and have kids. Truly, OP, you need to get out more.

[Anonymous]

Single 39 year old woman here. Get out. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

No, they don't all say this. My DH said he wanted marriage and kids. So I dated him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

No not every guy does that. In fact I don't know any (at least over 30) that flat out say they never want kids.

+1 No, most 35 year old guys don't say that. And the ones that do generally mean it. You can't get annoyed with him not offering to move in together when he explicitly told you early on that he doesn't want those things.

His actions tell you he's a good boyfriend, that he cares for you and that he's committed to you. But that doesn't mean he wants to marry and have kids.
If you want those things you need to find someone else.

It's worth an open conversation with him - no hinting around.

[Anonymous]

Forget all this milk and cow shit, because none of that matters, what matters is you want marriage and babies and this man told you up front he does not. You know the best way to not have marriage and babies? Spend all your babymaking years with someone who doesn't want to be married and have babies!

Also, because he doesn't want to get married and make babies he should be cold to a woman he's dating? People can still be loving and have loving relationships and not want to be married and have kids. Goodness.

[Anonymous]

get pregnant and find out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

No, they don't. Guys who want to get married and have kids say so, and they say "with the right person." I think your friends are trying to be nice to you.

None of his actions say he's changed his mind about marriage and kids. I'd almost say you should see if he'd talk about moving in together, but I have two problems with that. One, it's like you're begging him to let you live with him which is unhealthy for you. And two, moving in with him would just prolong this relationship where you keep trying to change his mind.

I would break up with him because of different relationship goals. Even if he said he'd changed his mind about marriage when you're breaking up with him, I'd be very distrustful. Really make him prove it. Having to beg a guy to marry you is not a good position for anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, believe him.

And if marriage and children are in the life path you see for yourself, cut loose as soon as you can.

[Anonymous]

Uhh. Not wanting children and not wanting to get married are both perfectly valid life choices. And you can be nice to kids and still not want them. You and this guy clearly want totally different thing s - why are you together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating for a year. He is 35, I am 30. He is good looking, smart, good job, owns his condo. Has never been engaged or lived with a girlfriend. Has told me early on that he does not want children or to be married. But . . . his actions say different. He is warm with his friends' children, invites me over most weekends, we go on lots of trips together, and he is accompanying me to a wedding in a few weeks where he will meet my parents. I think all this means he sees me as a permanent fixture, so do I go by what he says or what he does? I was annoyed because he knows my lease is ending and would never discuss the idea of living together, even when I hinted. Am I wasting my time? Why would he bother being a good boyfriend if this won't ever go anywhere?

Why would you second-guess that?

And why would you want to live with him?

He is a good boyfriend because he likes you. But that doesn't mean he wants a future with you.

If you want to be married and have children, then move on.

[Anonymous]

Yes, wasting your time. Move on. You want kids, he doesn't. Maybe he will 10 years from now, but those aren't good betting odds. Find someone on the same wavelength as you today if you'd like to raise a family.

Sounds like he's been more than forthright. Sounds like a good guy, just not a good match for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh for god sakes. He blatantly told you he doesn't want to be married! Dump him today and start seeing other people.

+1! BF acting warm around friends = putting on a front; bf telling you the truth = prior notice, so move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he is accompanying me to a wedding in a few weeks where he will meet my parents. I think all this means he sees me as a permanent fixture…

Or maybe he has no problem doing these things with you because he DOESN'T see you as a permanent fixture! Meeting the parents = no big deal, because he's a free agent.

(And really, is being a "permanent fixture" what you really want? Or do you want to find someone who adores you and chooses to spend the rest of his life with you?)

[Anonymous]

OP, my standard advice would be "actions speak louder than words." But this would be when we are talking - for instance - about a guy that SAYS he wants to get married but then continues to ACT like a single guy.
You are talking about a guy who SAYS he doesn't want marriage and kids. His actions have included NOT asking you to move in, NOT proposing and NOT discussing future plans as a couple. So ...
Go by his words. And also go by his actions. If you want to get married you are wasting your time with this guy. Move on.

[Anonymous]

If he says he does not want to get married, listen to him. DO NOT listen to your friends. He told you up front, take it at face value. Most real men do not bullshit.