What he says or what he does?

[Anonymous]

Been dating for a year. He is 35, I am 30. He is good looking, smart, good job, owns his condo. Has never been engaged or lived with a girlfriend. Has told me early on that he does not want children or to be married. But . . . his actions say different. He is warm with his friends' children, invites me over most weekends, we go on lots of trips together, and he is accompanying me to a wedding in a few weeks where he will meet my parents. I think all this means he sees me as a permanent fixture, so do I go by what he says or what he does? I was annoyed because he knows my lease is ending and would never discuss the idea of living together, even when I hinted. Am I wasting my time? Why would he bother being a good boyfriend if this won't ever go anywhere?

[Anonymous]

Oh for god sakes. He blatantly told you he doesn't want to be married! Dump him today and start seeing other people.

[Anonymous]

Is he getting the milk for free?

[Anonymous]

Omg yes you're wasting your time. Tell him you want to get married one day and sooner rather than later. See what he says. Set some standards and shoot for what you want in life. If you want to get married then date someone who wants the same thing. Tons of people get married and there's no reason you can't find a man who also wants this commitment.

If you stay with this man you'll most likely have a great next few years and then find yourself single and with a smaller dating pool. You've been warned.

[Anonymous]

You can be warm with children and not want to be a parent, all that means is he isn't a cold hearted asshole.

People go on trips with girlfriends, people meet girlfriends parents etc.

Believe what he says and move on. You want different things. Find a good boyfriend who wants what you do which is marriage and kids.


Actually don't spend another 5- 8 years with him and then you can be close to 40 pissed you still don't have a ring and kids and wondering why.

[Anonymous]

My best friend loves kids and is great with them. She has zero interest with the responsibility of raising one. I have 4 "never marry" friends. 2 found each other and have been Together for 20 years. They are incredibly happy but have no desire to be formally married. 1 ended up getting married and was Divorced 2 years later. My friend is with the last one and is in a similar spot as you. Trying to determine if she wants to be with him or if she wants to be married with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating for a year. He is 35, I am 30. He is good looking, smart, good job, owns his condo. Has never been engaged or lived with a girlfriend. Has told me early on that he does not want children or to be married. But . . . his actions say different. He is warm with his friends' children, invites me over most weekends, we go on lots of trips together, and he is accompanying me to a wedding in a few weeks where he will meet my parents. I think all this means he sees me as a permanent fixture, so do I go by what he says or what he does? I was annoyed because he knows my lease is ending and would never discuss the idea of living together, even when I hinted. Am I wasting my time? Why would he bother being a good boyfriend if this won't ever go anywhere?

^^^^^Future Over 40 and Unmarried with No Kids Alert^^^^^^

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been dating for a year. He is 35, I am 30. He is good looking, smart, good job, owns his condo. Has never been engaged or lived with a girlfriend. Has told me early on that he does not want children or to be married. But . . . his actions say different. He is warm with his friends' children, invites me over most weekends, we go on lots of trips together, and he is accompanying me to a wedding in a few weeks where he will meet my parents. I think all this means he sees me as a permanent fixture, so do I go by what he says or what he does? I was annoyed because he knows my lease is ending and would never discuss the idea of living together, even when I hinted. Am I wasting my time? Why would he bother being a good boyfriend if this won't ever go anywhere?

^^^^^Future Over 40 and Unmarried with No Kids Alert^^^^^^

Took the words out of my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

No not every guy does that. In fact I don't know any (at least over 30) that flat out say they never want kids.

[Anonymous]

OP. I don't think I want to introduce him to my parents if he's never going to propose. I will be humiliated by constant questions.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you and he were younger I might see it differently. Lot's of people in their 20's might make statements like that and ultimately change their minds. But a 35 year old guy who flat out says he never wants kids or to be married...well that's something else. He may change his mind, but honestly if you've been with him for over a year and he still talks that way around you then I'd have to think that you're not the one who is going to break him down. Sorry OP, that's just how I see it.

[Anonymous]

FFS. Believe what he says. And grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you all are right, but several of my best friends keep stoking the hope for me. "oh, look, he did x, it means y." I keep thinking, doesn't every guy claim not to want to get married/have kids? But plenty do?

I'm dumb, I know. Ugh.

Oh, yeah. Because your friends know more than he does what his actions "mean."

OP, to quote the wise PP above, why should he buy the cow when you're giving him the milk for free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating for a year. He is 35, I am 30. He is good looking, smart, good job, owns his condo. Has never been engaged or lived with a girlfriend. Has told me early on that he does not want children or to be married. But . . . his actions say different. He is warm with his friends' children, invites me over most weekends, we go on lots of trips together, and he is accompanying me to a wedding in a few weeks where he will meet my parents. I think all this means he sees me as a permanent fixture, so do I go by what he says or what he does? I was annoyed because he knows my lease is ending and would never discuss the idea of living together, even when I hinted. Am I wasting my time? Why would he bother being a good boyfriend if this won't ever go anywhere?

So he should treat you like crap because he doesn't want to get married?

I'm also concerned by your implication that you don't know how to explain or rather not explain your relationship to your parents. A woman who wants to be married needs to have skills to establish healthy boundaries with her parents.

You might be 30, but you have a lot of growing up to do OP.

I would take a year off from dating. Just One year. In that year get yourself to some therapy. You'll be a better future wife and partner for it.