Husband takes his stress out on me during sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is abusive, whether he means it to be or not. This is traumatizing you. One of my first boyfriends was like this and a decade later, I'm still dealing with the trauma of feeling ignored and objectified by him during sex in this exact same manner. It really messed me up, and this will mess you up. He is not listening to you, and actively hurting you.

Stop having sex with him and get into counselling stat (couples and/or individual, but you both need it). I'm so sorry What he is doing is absolutely not okay. He is not treating you in a respectful or humane manner.

Please respond, OP. You must protect your dignity.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he has anger issues he is not dealing with and this is when it is coming out? Agree with otners to discuss this when you are not having sex and stop having sex until you both have therapy to stop this behavior on his part and you allowing yourself to be put in this situation when it is such a bad experience for you.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to leave him or break up the family or anything like that.
Things are good aside from this.

I do't know if he would go to counseling with me or not.

There's a lot of things going on now. His cousin that he's close to is very ill and likely won't make it, his job has always been stressful, but I think it's stressing him out even more.
Sex is stress relief for him I know that and I'm ok with that it's kind of like that for me too, but it's never been painful.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to a gyno recently?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your DH could talk with you about finding some other outlets besides rough sex? Someone else mentioned working out. He might also benefit from anti-anxiety medication. It sounds like he's under a lot of stress, but that's no excuse for not being sensitive to your needs, OP.

[Anonymous]

He's trying to blame you for making something out of his behavior, rather than acknowledge that it is his behavior that is causing problems.

You need to tell him exactly what's happening to you. He may have no idea as to a woman's anatomy. Your attitude isn't the problem. His roughness is bruising your insides. Will bleeding be enough to stop him?

He's getting so caught up in whatever's going on in his mind that he is damaging you. It's wrong. Flat out. WRONG. Please do not allow him to point the finger at you on this.

I'm no prude, but I will say that if it hurts like this, it's not sex anymore. It's something else entirely. And he needs to stop bringing this to you. Nothing good can come of this continuing. Even if you do your very best to put up with it, your body will shut down and this will become more of a nightmare than it already is.

Also, before it's too late, perhaps you should take lead position-wise next time? You'll have more control of things that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to leave him or break up the family or anything like that.
Things are good aside from this.

I do't know if he would go to counseling with me or not.

There's a lot of things going on now. His cousin that he's close to is very ill and likely won't make it, his job has always been stressful, but I think it's stressing him out even more.
Sex is stress relief for him I know that and I'm ok with that it's kind of like that for me too, but it's never been painful.

This is a huge issue though OP, I don't think you understand that. You shouldn't feel like puking after sex with your husband. The way he is treating you isn't okay. Disregarding your needs and feelings isn't okay. He's stressed out, but that doesn't excuse abusive behaviour. You wouldn't be okay with him verbally berating you or slapping you to relieve his stress, this is no different. You said before you feel objectified - that is NOT okay. You are not an object he can fuck to make himself feel better. You are his partner and a human being - he is failing to treat you as such. He could be the most stressed out person in the world, and this would still not be okay.

[Anonymous]

I was in a relationship like this in my 20s. I thought it was my fault because I was too inhibited or not allowing myself to be free spirited enough or hung up or some such nonsense. I ended up with a tear in my vulva that took some months to heal. We had sex regardless of the tear and he would say "That's not hurting, is it?" and pound on. Like an idiot I would put up with the pain, because we were "in love."

OP, this isn't love. It's not sex either. You are being physically hurt. And it's a vicious cycle because the more sex hurts the more your body is going to shut down during sex. You are going to have less and less arousal and more and more dryness, tightness, and bodily upset -- nausea, diarrhea, and actual crying during sex. And I can tell you that your level of anger is going to wreck your relationship. How could it not? Who the hell wants to be physically assaulted?

Either the two of you work on this as a couple -- making a plan -- or you don't have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've told him it hurts both during and at other times. During he'll stop for a bit, but goes back eventually. Later he says he was just caught up in the moment and he says he''s sorry, he promises to try to do better. But, things haven't improved.
It still feels a little good sometimes, but mostly I dread it when I think he wants sex and feel like throwing up after.

This is one of the worst things I've read about sex in a marriage.

It isn't right, and you need to put a stop to it. I agree with PP, cut him off. Tell him it's too rough and no longer enjoyable for you. Sex is not just about poor little him.

+1

This makes me feel sick. You need to protect yourself right now OP.

This is horrifying.

OP, all I can say is I'm so sorry. Sex should never hurt. This is so not okay that there aren't even words.

Stop having sex with him immediately, until he can learn to control himself and not cause you pain in the bedroom. If that makes him go crazy, then you know who you're dealing with.

Honestly, at this point I would try to get a divorce. This is just too sick and wrong to come back from.

Do you have income of your own or are you dependent on him?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are looking at this backwards. You say you don't wan to "ruin" things by telling him how you feel. He already ruined sex for you. He ruined things. HE did. Sex should feel really really good. If you dread it and it hurts and you feel like throwing up after, you are being abused. Simple. He can pretend he doesn't know what he's doing, but he does. Why should you fear upsetting him? You are upset and hurt and physically harmed by him. He needs to be upset about this. And if he blames you or continues to blow it off, if he doesn't stop this hurting you, you need to stop having sex and see a counselor. Value yourself. You deserve to enjoy sex. No one has a right to hurt you.

Does he watch a lot of porn? This can affect what men think is okay in sex. There's a lot of really rough porn that makes the women look like dolls that are flipped around and pounded at in ways that you know, as a woman, do NOT feel good. You are being objectified and used. And abused. If you can't talk to him on your own, see someone, a counselor, who can help you.

A lot of us here are having a visceral reaction to your situation. We feel your hurt. It's not okay, what he's doing. There are more ways to abuse than just hitting someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are looking at this backwards. You say you don't wan to "ruin" things by telling him how you feel. He already ruined sex for you. He ruined things. HE did. Sex should feel really really good. If you dread it and it hurts and you feel like throwing up after, you are being abused. Simple. He can pretend he doesn't know what he's doing, but he does. Why should you fear upsetting him? You are upset and hurt and physically harmed by him. He needs to be upset about this. And if he blames you or continues to blow it off, if he doesn't stop this hurting you, you need to stop having sex and see a counselor. Value yourself. You deserve to enjoy sex. No one has a right to hurt you.

Does he watch a lot of porn? This can affect what men think is okay in sex. There's a lot of really rough porn that makes the women look like dolls that are flipped around and pounded at in ways that you know, as a woman, do NOT feel good. You are being objectified and used. And abused. If you can't talk to him on your own, see someone, a counselor, who can help you.

A lot of us here are having a visceral reaction to your situation. We feel your hurt. It's not okay, what he's doing. There are more ways to abuse than just hitting someone.

This. And if you value your ability to orgasm, heck- your ability to enjoy sex at all, maybe even your ability to have kids, you will take this seriously.

Sex should never hurt. If it does, that's a message to you from your vagina saying "Something is wrong!"

Often that means more lube, or more foreplay. In your case, it sounds like he is hurting you on purpose, maybe he gets off on your pain. That, in itself, is sick beyond words and I would never, EVER, EVER want to have children with someone who has that tendency and joy in hurting others.

It sounds as if the very movements he's doing, slamming into you or whatever, are designed to be painful. This is not sex- this is rape, sexual torture.

I hope you take some time off from sex, at the very, very least. Really, i urge you to divorce this guy. But if that seems to extreme right now, do not have sex anytime in the near future, unless you want to seriously fuck up yourself and your ability to engage in intimate relationships.

Good luck OP. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.