Conflict between DH and Family side
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Anonymous
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So I am your DH and you are my DH. We have this conflict a lot. I have learned to just go with it a bit more, but I find it really irritating they have such a hard time just making a plan and sticking with it. And yes, nothing is ever set in stone until the Thursday or Friday before. It drives me crazy. And yes I think it's rude. I feel like sometimes the event is a place holder to see if anyone gets a better offer. And then if they DO, they change it at the last minute, since it was never set in stone, I'm supposed to be ok with this.
There's a balance to be found though. First a weekend is suggested. Then I have my DH nail down which day (I do this by saying we have other plans and need to plan around them). Normally we do things in the afternoon, so if we can get a day, I have a general idea of when. The exact time, menu and location are often not decided until the day before. I let those things go because there is no forcing it. And trying to only stresses me out. If they cancel the event at the last minute, I do not do a "make up" event. For example a birthday. I then won't squeeze them in if we're busy, we'll just miss celebrating that birthday and will see them when we have time. |
Anonymous
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I understand both side. They are just plain different.
Cousin families are my only family, we are really close like sisters. Honestly I don't have other friend or family here close by so I want to see them often. I don't mind to go by myself but DH doesn't want me to exclude him. So if he doesn't go and I go because they change the plan, I will feel guilty. I see my cousins probably 6 times a year or less. On the other side, I see my MIL every week and FIL every month. I need to see my family side more to balance that out. Don't suggest me to see IL family less, it is not working that way in this Chinese family. So yah, I need the middle ground solution but currently nothing I tried seem to be working well. 
OP |
Anonymous
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Just in case someone think I take side with my cousins. I totally understand the frustration of DH. That's why I am trying to find a better solution for this situation.
OP |
Anonymous
Don't feel guilty if your husband chooses not to go with you because he's annoyed by a date or time change. And don't make him feel guilty for not wanting to go in that case either. As long as you both can accept that not everything does things the same way and don't force yourself to go along with things hat truly annoy you, you both should be fine. |
Anonymous
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OP, every family has different dynamics and comfort levels, and it really doesn't help anyone to label your spouse's family as "rude" for doing something that doesn't bother your spouse. So, basically, I'm saying that while I get how your DH would be annoyed by this, your cousins are your family and you are comfortable with the way they are so he basically just needs to get over himself. I agree that maybe it makes sense to go sometimes without him. It's not fair for him to say he feels excluded if that happens. He's choosing not to go because he's annoyed...but it's clear that they aren't going to change and you don't want to end the relationship over their behavior. So he either needs to put up with it or give you the freedom to do so on your own. My DH finds many things about my family annoying (and vice-versa), but he generally bites his tongue and puts up with it since it's my family, and he knows they are important to me. This isn't really about your DH's relationship with your cousins, it's about his relationship with you. He needs to respect that they are important to you and that you're willing to put up with shifting plans in order to see them.
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Anonymous
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This is tough. My DH's and my in laws are planners. We know with my family it is hard to nail down plans and 50% chance they will flake out. I think one suggestion is that you guys plan things. Then it is on your schedule. I also agree that you can take a few different approaches.
-You can leave an hour on other end blocked off assuming the day will be the same so you can be "flexible" within a range. Give the range to your DH. Almost like you account for people that always show up late. -If it is food based, make a plan to have snacks of some sort so you won't starve if the time gets pushed back. -If they change it to a different day than agree upon, don't make DH go. If you take DD, he can get a free night where he can make last minute plans with his friends or just relax. Turn the flakiness into a positive for DH -Be willing to say no if they reschedule for a time that would make you jump thru hoops or DH to be there. Like if it was Super Bowl Sunday and you and DH had plans to watch the games together and whatever traditions and that's the rescheduled day or DH had plans to meet friends out to watch the games and now you need him to break those plans to either be home with your DD or come with you. Hopefully between padding the time and occasionally organizing your DH will be included in spending time with your family. Also if he doesn't have to say "how high" every single time your family changes plans, he may be more willing to deal with it once or twice a year and not mind as much. |
Anonymous
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Your DH has a legit complaint.
It's one thing to flake once in awhile. But all the time? I"d be pissed too. They're not respectful of other people's time. If I'm setting aside time for you, I'm turning down other things to do. I would simply tell cousins that you can't make the new date (if that's the case). You're enabling the behavior. |
Anonymous
| PP here, forgot to add if they are vague that it could be this Thursday or Friday, pick the day that is more convenient for your family and say that is the day you can commit to and if it's the other day you aren't sure you can a make it. For my DH, he does the cooking and grocery shopping so he likes to know ahead of time so he can plan out meals. |
Anonymous
Legit complain? Yes, but complain to op until she lost it? Sorry, but he's very ignorant and disrespectful to his own wife! She has no control over her relatives behavior or bad planning skills. I would have serious conversation with DH about controlling his complains, and channeling his anger somewhere else. As for meetings with relatives, I would just play along - if I truly free that day - go, if other interesting options pop up - go somewhere else. DH can do whatever he plans. |
Anonymous
| Thank you PP for understanding my position. None of the side consider my feeling obviously. |
Anonymous
Well, I wouldn't expect your cousin to be considered, I doubt she understands the impact of her poor planing on your family live. DH is different story IMHO. I expect from my SO to have my back all the time, not stub it with anger and complains. |
Anonymous
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So I had a conversation with DH about this complain. I basically said "I understand it is frustrated for you when my cousins don't stick with their plan. I already told them that you don't like the last minute changing plan. There is nothing else I can do about it. If they change the plan and affect our plan then it is fair that we will not go but if it doesn't and you don't want to go then I will go without you. I did my part. Now I don't want to hear your complain about this anymore. It makes me feel terrible." He replied "I don't care of them anymore. I will make our plan without consider them because I can predict almost every time they want to get together (Christmas, New Year, kids birthday, long weekend) and I have putting a side the time waiting for them to tell us the plan. I hate to do this to family"
Now that I feel bad because I feel like he will purposely plan something on those days so he won't have us go see my family. My husband is pretty good of making me feel bad but he refuses hat because he didn't say it, I am just making assumption. Having a conversation about some issue with my husband never ends with good feeling. I'm so sick of this but if I stop communicating, it is going to be ended in divorcing. OP |
Anonymous
OP, this concerns me. He cannot make your plans without considering YOUR personal opinion. You should be able to voice your opinion in family planning. PS you might end up divorcing even if you're communicating, your DH sounds like controlling passive-aggressive freak. You either learn how to deal with it or get out. |
Anonymous
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PP, now it is bad news for me.
I don't want divorcing and I haven't learned how to deal with it. Now it is off topic. I must find a way how to deal with DH. 
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Anonymous
| The last 6 posts are from you Op? |