Conflict between DH and Family side

[Anonymous]

My family side (cousins here. parents are not close) are very easy going. Too easy. They invite us (DH,me,DD) to family dinner/lunch/party but often change its date and time because someone can't make it for whatever reason. DH is the opposite, he wants everything planned well and stick to it, not last minute thing. Needless to say he is very angry when my cousin changes the date or time. He said, they(my cousins) are not respecting people, I made time for them and they keep changing it. Well, I get his point and I told my female cousin (who usually plans) but it sill happens. I get caught in the middle. I can't change either side.
Now every time my cousins plans anything, I have to say "they are thinking of ..... this weekend but nothing is no time and date are decided yet" and tell my DH when they give me the time & date and usually it is Thur or Fri. Every day or other day since I said that, my DH would ask me when is the get together? and I said "they haven't told me yet". Then he would look upset "how hard is it to set a date". I feel bad too. DH complaints to me so much about it that I lost it at the last Christmas dinner. I cancelled it because my cousin (the host) moved from 7 to 8pm. Honestly, I would now mind that, but with pressure from DH's complaints, I made a big fuss. I felt so bad. I apologized the next morning but there seems to be a scar in my relationship with my cousins.
What should I do to fix this? Can I do anything at all?

[Anonymous]

Don't tell your husband until they've confirmed the date and time and place. You don't have to attend every single get-together. Or alternatively, YOU plan one.

[Anonymous]

Tell him not to set the time aside, and if you're free, you'll go.

[Anonymous]

Your cousins sound unreliable. If you have availability and can make the get together then go, if not, don't. I would not make plans based on what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Do they have good reasons for being flaky? Maybe they have small children or medical issues?

Otherwise, yeah, I'm with your husband. If they constantly change time/date/location, it feels like you are at their whim. Only their convenience matters, not yours.

Next time they do it say, "Sorry we agreed on 7pm. If that's changed, we'll reschedule for another time." Rinse and repeat until they stop flaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him not to set the time aside, and if you're free, you'll go.

This - I would ask him to the come to the big things (like Christmas dinner). Everything else - release him from attending. As someone who is fairly busy (I have two little ones, and they have their own little social calendars), it would be annoying as hell if people kept changing the date (and time). I am a planner - so if we are meeting Saturday at 2:30 - 6:30, there is a ton of stuff I have planned.

I have planned my kids mornings, any errands I need to run, maybe going out for drinks afterward, maybe even work (if it is a busy time) - and may have turned down other invites. No, it is never all of that stuff at the same time, but your family IS being inconsiderate of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have good reasons for being flaky? Maybe they have small children or medical issues?

Otherwise, yeah, I'm with your husband. If they constantly change time/date/location, it feels like you are at their whim. Only their convenience matters, not yours.

Next time they do it say, "Sorry we agreed on 7pm. If that's changed, we'll reschedule for another time." Rinse and repeat until they stop flaking.

YEP!
After awhile, all this change up would get on my d**** nerves.

[Anonymous]

I'm like your husband, although not as bad. It really irks me when plans change at the last minute, particularly when someone runs an hour late or more - throws off the kids bedtime, which then impacts their schoolwork.

Part of it is due to anxiety. Your husband likely has an anxiety disorder, just like me.

Part of it really is about respect! Systematically changing plans and running late is a lack of respect.

A good compromise would be to see these lax cousins less often. Your husband can surely accommodate them once in a while, but I understand he might be willing to do that regularly.

[Anonymous]

"he might NOT be willing..."

[Anonymous]

* See your cousins less often

* Go without DH

* Say "yes" for a particular date/time and if they need to change the date/time, say, Sorry, the new time doesn't work for us. Hope to see you next time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:* See your cousins less often

* Go without DH

* Say "yes" for a particular date/time and if they need to change the date/time, say, Sorry, the new time doesn't work for us. Hope to see you next time!

+1

[Anonymous]

2-3 times a year is all that your husband should have to see these people and be accommodating - and not BIG occasions, like Christmas, not if they are going to screw-around with the specifics. Op, go and enjoy them yourself alone.

[Anonymous]

And it's not JUST seeing them, it's him hearing about them, sounds like ALOT. Sounds like constantly - this might happen, at this time, or that might happen, oh it's been changed, it's this now... these people are way too much in his life. Taking up too much oxygen. And inefficient. Inefficiency bugs me too.

[Anonymous]

Your husband had an anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband had an anxiety disorder.

???

OP, your cousin's behavior seems annoying. Does it bother you as well? It would bother me to the point of "Oh, the dinner was moved to 8? Sorry, I can't make it then." Because if their plans can change, so do mine. Not nice, and I get your DH's frustration.