Should spouse tell you where he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not normal, but it seems strange to worry about it now after 30 years together.

Worrying about it now because I am struggling with whether to divorce or stay. I am not happy but I don't think divorce will be pleasant either plus we have a kid in high school. But mostly, I just wanted some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable. I appreciate the feedback of both sides. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

This guy was like your husband...

In April 2003 climber Aron Ralston entered Utah's Bluejohn Canyon only to become trapped when an 800-pound (360-kilogram) boulder shifted, crushed his hand, and pinned him to the canyon wall. For six days, Ralston struggled to free himself while warding off dehydration and hypothermia.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/08/0830_040830_aronralston.html

But maybe he did tell someone where he was....but she really did not care

The real '127 Hours' climber who cut off his own arm held for domestic violence
Aron Ralston cut off his own hand to escape a canyon after being trapped for five days in 2003
His story became the best-selling book Between a Rock and a Hard Place
In 2010, it was adapted into the blockbuster film '127 Hours' with James Franco playing Ralston
Arrested at the home of a woman named Vita Shannon


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2520466/Aron-Ralston-127-Hours-hiker-arrested-domestic-violence.html#ixzz3vlVXqQYe
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[Anonymous]

I sort of wish he WOULD get trapped under a rock. Much easier than a divorce, especially with the life insurance payout as pp noted.

[Anonymous]

OP, will he refuse to tell you where he is when you're on the phone with him? Or he'll just refuse to tell you ahead of time where he's going? It's not clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, will he refuse to tell you where he is when you're on the phone with him? Or he'll just refuse to tell you ahead of time where he's going? It's not clear.

He will not volunteer where he is going and will be vague if asked. When he gets home, he will carefully imply that he was only at the one agreed upon location and will never mention that he was actually staying 5 hours away in another state. If I ask him point blank, he will agree that he was at the other location and will suggest that it was spur of the moment and it didn't occur to him to tell me. Or that he was just getting ready to mention it, blah blah blah. Since it isn't my business where he was (apparently) I say nothing and neither does he. Very dysfunctional on both our parts.

[Anonymous]

DH here. I do not care to always give my wife a moment by moment itinerary, like I am a child, but she always knows my basic plans.

If asked I don't hesitate to tell her.

I think he is either up to no good or he sees you as a nag and is exercising his independence from you.

[Anonymous]

This is crazy. Firstly, my husband is 33 and doesn't HAVE any high school (or college or law school) drinking buddies. He does not consider drinking to be a ... leisure activity, or something one does for fun. Secondly, of COURSE I always know where he is. When he travels for work I know which hotel and when he's gone on his once a year Vegas trip I always know which hotel. I may not know exactly where he goes during each moment of the day (I'll know he's having lunch with Tim, but not which restaurant) but I damn sure know where he sleeps each night.

If your husband doesn't want you to know where he is, he's doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Yes, for personal safety you should know where he is. If he disappears -- gets in a wreck, whatever -- how will anybody know he is missing or where to start looking? He has dependent kids. It is irresponsible not to tell somebody where he is going to be.

That said, the phone app covers this angle so long as he doesn't turn it off or stray out of range. So, you're left with weird and irritating. If you are thinking about divorce (or wishing he would die!) you both should take the issue to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Unless he is a covert CIA operative, he's divorce material.

And actually even then.

[Anonymous]

No it's not normal and it never has been. If you went looking i think there is a good chance you'd find evidence that he'd been unfaithful. You've let this slide for 30 years, why are things coming to a head now? Has he been sneaky in other ways too?

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that this is not normal behavior. How is it that, on a five-hour trip that he presumably took from his intended destination, does a man not once think about his wife, or forget to tell her where he is going? Even if I were driving, I would get bored and call my DH, and I know he would do the same for me.

Nice job thinking of the find my phone app. I wouldn't let him know that you've used it, and I would continue to use it to compile evidence of his lies. Could be helpful in a divorce.

Get thee both to counseling, STAT!

[Anonymous]

DH hear in 20 year marriage. Seems very suspicious that DH does not tell you where he is going on a planned trip. That seems off.

But I do get defensive when DW calls and asks when are you going to be home, what are you doing now, why are you going there, who is there on and on. Sometimes seems to be trying to pin me down, when sometimes I just want to go different places with friends, and I don't know where I am going and I don't know when I will be home. Come on now, why are you bothering me , and I will make things up to get off the phone.

Especially when golfing, we almost always go out for dinner and drinks and she will want to know where and when, stupid questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I do not care to always give my wife a moment by moment itinerary, like I am a child, but she always knows my basic plans.

If asked I don't hesitate to tell her.

I think he is either up to no good or he sees you as a nag and is exercising his independence from you.

This is really the crux of it ... For three decades I was not a nag and only found out about lies when his alibi accidently gave hi up or he locked his keys in the car or such. Then I found out two years ago he was having an affair. Now I struggle with trying not to be a nag but at the same time do not trust him at all. And when I act on that distrust I confirm that he is still being untruthful, even if it is not female related. It is very circular. I am not feeling very comfortable with my own actions nor with his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH hear in 20 year marriage. Seems very suspicious that DH does not tell you where he is going on a planned trip. That seems off.

But I do get defensive when DW calls and asks when are you going to be home, what are you doing now, why are you going there, who is there on and on. Sometimes seems to be trying to pin me down, when sometimes I just want to go different places with friends, and I don't know where I am going and I don't know when I will be home. Come on now, why are you bothering me , and I will make things up to get off the phone.

Especially when golfing, we almost always go out for dinner and drinks and she will want to know where and when, stupid questions.

Yes, I understand you feeling this way. But would you arrange in advance to go stay with out of town buddies without telling your wife? I mean, plan it in advance in secret and then follow through in secret and then when you got home keep it secret ... All just because you sort of prefer a bit of independence now and then? I know for sure he is with a guy friend, yet the secrecy part of it just really bothers me. And I have explained that to him (sometimes calmly and rationally) but he does it anyway. I think he really just loves that autonomous, not married feeling very now and then and I am trying to accept it but am not doing very well at it, obviously.

[Anonymous]

If he has cheated on you before, then you are justified in wondering about his whereabouts and he OWES it to you to be open and honest. He committed a major breach of trust, and loss of privacy is a small price to pay for his indiscretions. Did you ever go to counseling after the affair?