Should spouse tell you where he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has cheated on you before, then you are justified in wondering about his whereabouts and he OWES it to you to be open and honest. He committed a major breach of trust, and loss of privacy is a small price to pay for his indiscretions. Did you ever go to counseling after the affair?

I believe it was an emotional rather than physical affair ... I found short love notes he texted to her on our home computer when I was checking on a young son's Internet use. No, never went to counseling. I am a stay at home mom with no chance of decent job now that I am 50 and also do not wish to lose a single day of custody of my only child. Trying to stick it out until child is done with high school, for my own sake more than his. We do not fight and get along okay. But no,love or trust or true happiness any more. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is, OP, get your ducks in order. He's still sneaking around, doing whatever he feels like. He hasn't changed anything from when he was cheating, and you have no reason to believe he's not cheating or going to cheat again. He lost your trust and doesn't deserve to have it back. Maybe he's also waiting until your child is out of high school to dump you. I hope your finances are more transparent than his activities are. You should make sure he can't drain the accounts when he decides to dump you. Have a plan. Or he may just keep acting single, acting as he now does, and expect you to be the "bad guy" and dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can say is, OP, get your ducks in order. He's still sneaking around, doing whatever he feels like. He hasn't changed anything from when he was cheating, and you have no reason to believe he's not cheating or going to cheat again. He lost your trust and doesn't deserve to have it back. Maybe he's also waiting until your child is out of high school to dump you. I hope your finances are more transparent than his activities are. You should make sure he can't drain the accounts when he decides to dump you. Have a plan. Or he may just keep acting single, acting as he now does, and expect you to be the "bad guy" and dump him.

Agreed, and yes I'd say this marriage has been over for quite some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has cheated on you before, then you are justified in wondering about his whereabouts and he OWES it to you to be open and honest. He committed a major breach of trust, and loss of privacy is a small price to pay for his indiscretions. Did you ever go to counseling after the affair?

I believe it was an emotional rather than physical affair ... I found short love notes he texted to her on our home computer when I was checking on a young son's Internet use. No, never went to counseling. I am a stay at home mom with no chance of decent job now that I am 50 and also do not wish to lose a single day of custody of my only child. Trying to stick it out until child is done with high school, for my own sake more than his. We do not fight and get along okay. But no,love or trust or true happiness any more. Thanks for listening.

You got married at age 20?

[Anonymous]

It is totally normal to not tell you if he switched from bar A to bar B. But going to an entirely different STATE? With different people? 5 hours away? On the East coast 5 hours could be 4-5 states away. That's a huge change of plans.

Very disrespectful. Love that you are using the find my iPhone app on him. But if you are not going to call him out and demand some respect, then I don't know if I'd bother, because it is just going to make you crazy.

Take care of yourself, and treat him like a roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH hear in 20 year marriage. Seems very suspicious that DH does not tell you where he is going on a planned trip. That seems off.

But I do get defensive when DW calls and asks when are you going to be home, what are you doing now, why are you going there, who is there on and on. Sometimes seems to be trying to pin me down, when sometimes I just want to go different places with friends, and I don't know where I am going and I don't know when I will be home. Come on now, why are you bothering me , and I will make things up to get off the phone.

Especially when golfing, we almost always go out for dinner and drinks and she will want to know where and when, stupid questions.

Yes, I understand you feeling this way. But would you arrange in advance to go stay with out of town buddies without telling your wife? I mean, plan it in advance in secret and then follow through in secret and then when you got home keep it secret ... All just because you sort of prefer a bit of independence now and then? I know for sure he is with a guy friend, yet the secrecy part of it just really bothers me. And I have explained that to him (sometimes calmly and rationally) but he does it anyway. I think he really just loves that autonomous, not married feeling very now and then and I am trying to accept it but am not doing very well at it, obviously.

no I wouldn't , that is wrong, something "seems off".

[Anonymous]

Some things that usually are not vital to know become extremely vital once one person becomes secretive and doesn't disclose anything.

I get it. I would be leery of your husband too. After thirty yrs, he cannot give you the respect of letting you know where he is. That speaks volumes.

You as his wife deserve respect. If he won't give it to you then he is definitely either hiding something from you or just being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Yes, your spouse should always tell you where he is if you ask. What is he hiding? Unless there's some reason and, short of something Top Secret, I can't think of one.

Honestly, I think the fact that you checked should tell you that your gut is warning you not to trust him. If you don't trust him, would it matter if he "told you" where he "was"? I think there's a lot wrong with this marriage. Salvageable with counseling? Maybe. Worth the effort to try? That's your call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check please. My husband prefers not to share with me exactly where he is when he is out of town. Right now he is supposed to be staying with his relatives in one part of the state, but his iPhone (and presumably himself as well) is clearly at the home of a high school drinking buddy in the neighboring state. Why did I bother to check? Because he has a history of being untruthful about such things. He feels it is none of my business as long as he isn't with a female. But I sort of think that it is odd for a spouse to guard his privacy from his wife. I am not expecting him to ask my permission, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. And he knows this as we have discussed it many times over the past 30 years. Am I asking too much?[/quote


OP, you're a guy and a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is for real you are a daily living demonstration for your only child that an acceptable marriage is one that involves no trust or love or true happiness. Think about that. Is a marriage like your own one that you'd be happy seeing your child in? Then think how it feels for your kid to watch you in one.

[Anonymous]

OP back just to give those kind enough to comment an update. So when husband arrives home, he oh so casually mentions that he stayed with friend (as I already knew) and then quickly moved on. I just commented that it was nice he had a chance to see him and left it alone.

Further snooping using the find my iphone ap has revealed that most days he stops at a nearby park and stays for a good half hour before coming home. Upon closer inspection, it is clear that he is drinking while there. By himself. I already know he is an alcoholic ... just not all the specifics. Gave up trying to get him to seek help a long time ago.

Anyway, the moral of the story is best not to snoop if you don't know what to do with the information. It just makes you miserable. Still waiting for child to finish high school and then will hopefully put us all out of our secret misery.

No, not a troll. Wish I was.

[Anonymous]

Not normal!

... unless you've been married to a woman for 30 years and she still doesn't trust you, and then cyberstalks your ass and relates it all to DCUM, in which case then HELL YEAH I'd also look forward to falling off the face of the planet for a few days (or weeks, or longer ...) too. The one piece of good news for you is that he clearly doesn't believe in divorce, otherwise he'd be long gone by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has a find my iPhone ap on the iPad we share at home.

It's weird you check his ipone gps and it's weird he lies to you. You are both fucked up.

[Anonymous]

I believe it was an emotional rather than physical affair ... I found short love notes he texted to her on our home computer when I was checking on a young son's Internet use. No, never went to counseling. I am a stay at home mom with no chance of decent job now that I am 50 and also do not wish to lose a single day of custody of my only child. Trying to stick it out until child is done with high school, for my own sake more than his. We do not fight and get along okay. But no,love or trust or true happiness any more. Thanks for listening.

Honey, you need to face some facts. Your marriage has been over for a long time. It's likely your husband will dump you once your DC graduates. Even if he doesn't, it seems you are contemplating divorce. You need to get back into the workforce. You need to do whatever it takes to make yourself marketable. You don't need a 'decent' job, you need a JOB. You don't want 'to lose a single day of custody of your only child'? WAKE UP! Your child is in high school! Your child will be leaving soon - unless you're one of those people who never has their own life and clings to their child well beyond they should let go. You should have seen this coming a long time ago bu tit's not too late to develop an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH hear in 20 year marriage. Seems very suspicious that DH does not tell you where he is going on a planned trip. That seems off.

But I do get defensive when DW calls and asks when are you going to be home, what are you doing now, why are you going there, who is there on and on. Sometimes seems to be trying to pin me down, when sometimes I just want to go different places with friends, and I don't know where I am going and I don't know when I will be home. Come on now, why are you bothering me , and I will make things up to get off the phone.

Especially when golfing, we almost always go out for dinner and drinks and she will want to know where and when, stupid questions.

hahah, are you the golfer who ended up wandering off with a "female friend" after one too many rounds at the bar, and then wandered home the next day?