Should spouse tell you where he is?

[Anonymous]

Reality check please. My husband prefers not to share with me exactly where he is when he is out of town. Right now he is supposed to be staying with his relatives in one part of the state, but his iPhone (and presumably himself as well) is clearly at the home of a high school drinking buddy in the neighboring state. Why did I bother to check? Because he has a history of being untruthful about such things. He feels it is none of my business as long as he isn't with a female. But I sort of think that it is odd for a spouse to guard his privacy from his wife. I am not expecting him to ask my permission, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. And he knows this as we have discussed it many times over the past 30 years. Am I asking too much?

[Anonymous]

Of course! Not only is it a security issue but also a health and trust issue. You should know that he's in a safe location where you can reach him if something happens. You should know that he's watching out for his physical and emotional health -- and yours and that of your kids. You should be confident that he's loyal and thinking of you wherever he is.

If not, DTMFA!
Signed,
Happily Married DW for 20+ years!

[Anonymous]

No you are not asking too much. It's weird that he doesn't want you to know. But if you can track his iPhone then he can't be getting in too much trouble or he would turn it off?

[Anonymous]

In general yes. Mine tells me where he will be. But things happen and he can meet an old buddy and go to a different town or bar or whatever and not tell me beforehand. He will tell me next time we talk though. I find your situation weird unless the two places are close together and he just didn't get around to telling you he ran into his guy.

[Anonymous]

WTF is wrong with your husband? No, that is not OK.

[Anonymous]

This is weird. I would it like this at all - but you have been married for 30 yrs. it might be a little late to change the rules on him now. Maybe just a weird quirk of his. Embrace it and don't ask him anymore about it. Then check his iPhone location to make yourself feel better. Marriages are so weird aren't they??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course! Not only is it a security issue but also a health and trust issue. You should know that he's in a safe location where you can reach him if something happens. You should know that he's watching out for his physical and emotional health -- and yours and that of your kids. You should be confident that he's loyal and thinking of you wherever he is.

If not, DTMFA!
Signed,
Happily Married DW for 20+ years!

Thank you. I love you! I expected to get pounded for being distrustful (which I am). I really feel disrespected. He feels that I can reach him on his cell phone if I need him. But I feel like if you don't care enough about me to let me know where you are, then why are we even married? I have looked the other way about this for 3 decades but my ability to deny that his sneakiness is a problem is getting very hard to maintain.

[Anonymous]

This is all very weird-both the fact that your husband is being secretive and that you're checking and think it's worthy of discussion that he's visiting a friend but didn't tell you first while out of town.

We both travel a lot and it's just not practical to offer the same amount of minute details when you're apart. He's meeting up with a friend - that's not news, or a secret just because he didn't tell you first.

So, either your paranoia is rooted in legitimacy based on prior infidelity, or he's only being secretive in response in your irrational suspicion.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If you're on the phone with him or whatever and he actively refuses to tell you where he is or lies about it, then that is weird and he is either cheating or into something else he seriously doesn't want you to know about (second family, gay, etc.). But if he just doesn't like to give you an advance itinerary of precisely where he'll be every minute (which he'd presumably have to stick to) while traveling, that I can see and empathize with.

[Anonymous]

Don't give a rat's ass where DH is.
I pay his life insurance premiums because him coming to a bad end is inevitable.

[Anonymous]

He won't tell you where he is, but he lets you view his exact location using find my friends/similar? Or did you activate it without his knowledge? (Wouldn't blame you if you did, given the weird amount of secrecy ...)

Maybe you should take a trip for a few days and not tell him where you're going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all very weird-both the fact that your husband is being secretive and that you're checking and think it's worthy of discussion that he's visiting a friend but didn't tell you first while out of town.

We both travel a lot and it's just not practical to offer the same amount of minute details when you're apart. He's meeting up with a friend - that's not news, or a secret just because he didn't tell you first.

So, either your paranoia is rooted in legitimacy based on prior infidelity, or he's only being secretive in response in your irrational suspicion.

I agree it is weird. And yes, he has been secretive about his actions for a very long time. Occasionally over the years it would come to light and I would be upset but chose not to worry since it was always meeting up with a guy friend. Until one time, you guessed it, it was NOT with a guy friend. So now I feel and act very insecure.

[Anonymous]

That's not normal, but it seems strange to worry about it now after 30 years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't give a rat's ass where DH is.
I pay his life insurance premiums because him coming to a bad end is inevitable.

[Anonymous]

He has a find my iPhone ap on the iPad we share at home.