Disfigured

[Anonymous]

Men really don't care about scars. Do you have a vagina? Lack of one is a dealbreaker. Not much else is.

[Anonymous]

I was 38 and 40 lbs over my 20's weight. I was unemployed and living with my parents. I started online dating for fun. But didn't take it too seriously, because who would fall in love with someone who was 40lbs overweight, unemployed and living with their parents. Well, 2 months after joining OKC I went on my first date with with great guy. And he fell in love with (and married) me, all extra 40 lbs and all. And as I've lost and gained weight over the years, his love and desire for me has not changed one bit.

A man wants to be with someone who is comfortable in their body. Someone who is in the moment and enjoys sex. I can't tell you how many guy friends I know that complained about their skinny, perfect girlfriends who they hated having sex with because it was so obvious they hated their own bodies.

Go to therapy. Learn to love your body. And in time you will meet someone who will love your body even more.

[Anonymous]

We are all far more critical of our imperfections than other people are.

[Anonymous]

I have two friends who are disfigured as you describe. One has burn damage and another had heart surgery that tore her up. They both had very good dating lives and married wonderful, super hot guys. It is more about your attitude than anything else.

[Anonymous]

OP, among my friends I have:
A woman who spent almost her entire childhood in hospital because of polio. She needs a cane to walk. She's been married 45 years with children and grandchildren.
A woman with crohns disease who opted as a teenager to have part of her bowel removed and live with an ileostomy. She married a great guy and they have 3 kids.
A man with cerebral palsy who is married with three kids.
A woman who was born with a very disfiguring skin condition that required almost a total rework of her face. Married with one child.
A man with ulcerative colitis who has had extensive abdominal surgery -met his wife and they have 2 kids

I could likely list more.

We all come with our imperfections. There is a beautiful story called the scarlet hand or something like that. It bascically comes down to : a man meets a stunning woman whose only flaw is a tiny red birthmark that looks like a hand on her face. He becomes obsessed with it, and makes her a potion to take it away. She drinks it.. And the hand goes away, but with it, the very essence of everything she is, and she dies. That always stuck with me, because it is indeed what we perceive to be our imperfections that make us unique in this world.

I understand that this scar represents a lot of trauma in your life and a change in your body that you had a lot of pride in. It doesn't change who you are. You may want to seek some counselling on how to develop the esteem to "shake it off". I know it can be hard when everything changes, but you are stopping yourself from pursuing normal relationships because of it, and you deserve to feel happy in your skin. Please find a therapist or group that helps with these issues and free yourself from this.

[Anonymous]

7:27 here.. My apologies, the short story is called "the Birthmark"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men really don't care about scars. Do you have a vagina? Lack of one is a dealbreaker. Not much else is.

Actually, that's not even true in every case. It's a deal breaker to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most people look rather ugly naked. Still, humanity goes on. Chin up!

Speak for yourself

[Anonymous]

The singer Seal has scars on his face from lupus. They don't seem to have held him back one bit. Love his beautiful songs and spirit.

[Anonymous]

My friend got caught in a boat propellor when she was a teenager- it tore up one of her arms and her legs and she has terrible scars. She wears a lot of long skirts to cover the leg scars, but also wears sleeveless dresses all the time and doesn't particularly care about those scars. She married a wonderful guy a few years ago and had a baby a few months ago.

As other PP's have said, this is an issue in your head only. There is no need for you to cut yourself off from all men for the rest of your life because of a few scars. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Examples please?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really don't care about scars. Do you have a vagina? Lack of one is a dealbreaker. Not much else is.

Actually, that's not even true in every case. It's a deal breaker to you.

[Anonymous]

While I can see your perspective on not feeling desirable anymore to men, I feel if you want to live fully again then your only option here is self-acceptance.

Sure, easy for me to say I know.

But in all honesty, someday I could be in your shoes. Anyone can at any given time. None of us are totally immune.

If it makes you feel better, on your first date w/a man, you can briefly let him know your situation if you feel he is trustworthy.

But like any other relationship, let him get to know YOU first & foremost. Let him see what a wonderful woman you are inside + let him fall in love w/you in his own way.

Then when the time comes to be intimate, he will be so enamored by all that he has seen so far that truthfully your scars won't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a surgery that left me disfigured/scarred. It's not something that is obvious unless I take off my clothes. It's been years, but it's kept me from being in a relationship. I don't think I could bear the rejection or seeing disgust on a man's face. I prided myself on my looks prior to this and I know how visual men are. How can I bring something like this up and when or do I just ignore it and say nothing. Whenever I'm approached by a man I totally shut him down because I think to myself he wouldn't be interested in me if he knew what I really look like. It makes me feel totally unlovable and I don't really know why.

OP: You need to date men who are also disfigured/scarred and then it won't be an issue.

I'll bet there are a lot of perfectly fine men such as Iraqi war veterans who are amputees or otherwise disfigured but are nice men deserving of relationships who would have absolutely no issues dating you.

Oh wait you want to date a handsome man, don't you?

A disfigured/scarred man is not good enough for you, is he?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure there are men who will love you no matter what. However, if you have the misfortune of baring your body and soul with a shallow jerk, that could set you back. I would use caution and let the man know before you get intimate. Wouldn't you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a surgery that left me disfigured/scarred. It's not something that is obvious unless I take off my clothes. It's been years, but it's kept me from being in a relationship. I don't think I could bear the rejection or seeing disgust on a man's face. I prided myself on my looks prior to this and I know how visual men are. How can I bring something like this up and when or do I just ignore it and say nothing. Whenever I'm approached by a man I totally shut him down because I think to myself he wouldn't be interested in me if he knew what I really look like. It makes me feel totally unlovable and I don't really know why.

This is all in your head. I have an 11 inch long, 5 inch thick multicolored, multitextured, bumpy keloid on my back. It is truly ugly and like most keloids, it is growing. Apart from this, I am 5'9, slim, well dressed and pretty. The keloid has always drawn questions and stares when seen, but I never felt like it defined me and it never affected my confidence. I have dated great men ranging from very good looking to very wealthy to very smart, sometimes all three, and am now happily married to a great man. If you let your scar define you, it will. If you consider yourself a great catch with a scar that gives you a story to tell and shows you are tough, that will be your experience.