My SD just got engaged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are concerned about all the wrong things OP. I was 32 when I got married and didn't know how to cook or sew or do any domestic duties really. I worked all day, got my clothes dry cleaned, and ate out every night and you know what? I did that for the first years of my marriage too until I had kids. The issues with your SD is she hasn't had a chance to live HER life. Thats the tragedy not that she didn't get enough home economics in school.

+1

Same here. 10 years later and I'm still marginal at domestic stuff and don't really care. I'd be far more concerned that she's not ready to be an adult rather than worry that she isn't prepared to be a 1950s housewife.

[Anonymous]

Why is there no concern that the guy be able to cook dinner or sew a button?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't change her mind. Your job as SM is to support, support, support. You can see if they are wiling to postpone until after college. But if she doens't want to, then this is one of those areas that she just has to go through it and learn from her mistakes.

OP here.....I agree with you. I know there is nothing I can say or do about this. I can help her learn the skills she needs to function in the grown up world and I can be there to answer questions about how do I..... but that's really all I can do for her right now. The other PP is right. I'm sad because she's not going to have the opportunity to learn who she is and who she wants to be before becoming someones wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird post. It's as if this 18 year old will be placed in a dream house with all sleek new appliances, but will lack the training to use them -- darn that school! She won't know how to use her beautiful Le Creuset cookware!

OP, these kids will be living in a dump and eating Ramen Noodles or Burger King.

I assume that they will get an apartment. Probably a dump like you said. But the apartment will have a kitchen. Where they can store normal pots and pans that they will receive as wedding gifts. I don't think she knows about Le Creuset. I would assume some nights they would cook dinner. Or at least she will try to prepare a meal for the 2 of them.

Why would she prepare a meal and not him? OP, seriously, this is coming off as really weird. Sure, you can get her to start doing some cooking around your house for the next few months or whatever, but you seem to be missing a huge, huge thing here. This is not the 1950's. They can get by with just microwaved food if necessary -- I honestly don't know any 19-22 year olds who sit down for cooked meals together. Cooking is not going to be even the top 10 of their concerns for the next few years. What are her job prospects? How will she fund her education? What steps will she take, if any, to prevent pregnancy? How strong is their relationship? Have they done premarital counseling? Do they expect financial support from their parents?

Cooking and button sewing -- seriously, not even in the top 20 concerns I'd have. Probably not top 50.

[Anonymous]

Can't, don't means won't.

Hopefully she and her soon to be husband will make enough money to outsource housework and child care like the ones posting here do. Or they can live in filth, wear wrinkled dirty clothes, eat out or buy microwaved dinners. It's not your job to teach her anything. Just don't visit them.

I've been through 4 dirty helpless DILs. Both sons hit the jackpot with their 3rd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is there no concern that the guy be able to cook dinner or sew a button?

He's not my kid. If he can manage the household tasks, great. But he's 18 also.

[Anonymous]

It made me realize that our schools are doing a great job of preparing college bound kids and STEM kids but for they no longer offer the traditional home ec skills.

It would be nice if this were a sign that people are finally recognizing that schools can't compensate for everything a kid isn't learning at home.

I know a woman who cannot let go of her belief that schools need to teach all kids how to ride a bike. A useful skill, sure. But the schools' job? I vote no.

[Anonymous]

Why does the school need to teach it?
Why can't life skills be taught at home?
An 18 year old not knowing how to cook or basic life skills getting married or not is a parenting fail in my book.

[Anonymous]

are we seriously talking about SD's home skills and not college? What are the couple's future plans for education and careers? Who gives a rats ass if she can cook?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird post. It's as if this 18 year old will be placed in a dream house with all sleek new appliances, but will lack the training to use them -- darn that school! She won't know how to use her beautiful Le Creuset cookware!

OP, these kids will be living in a dump and eating Ramen Noodles or Burger King.

I assume that they will get an apartment. Probably a dump like you said. But the apartment will have a kitchen. Where they can store normal pots and pans that they will receive as wedding gifts. I don't think she knows about Le Creuset. I would assume some nights they would cook dinner. Or at least she will try to prepare a meal for the 2 of them.

Why would she prepare a meal and not him? OP, seriously, this is coming off as really weird. Sure, you can get her to start doing some cooking around your house for the next few months or whatever, but you seem to be missing a huge, huge thing here. This is not the 1950's. They can get by with just microwaved food if necessary -- I honestly don't know any 19-22 year olds who sit down for cooked meals together. Cooking is not going to be even the top 10 of their concerns for the next few years. What are her job prospects? How will she fund her education? What steps will she take, if any, to prevent pregnancy? How strong is their relationship? Have they done premarital counseling? Do they expect financial support from their parents?

Cooking and button sewing -- seriously, not even in the top 20 concerns I'd have. Probably not top 50.

You ask a lot of great questions. The answers I have are not great.

What are her job prospects? She can get a job. Her career prospects are going to be limited.

How will she fund her education? She has no interest in going to college at this point. She is currently living with us and as a stipulation she had to attend CC. She is not doing well academically and does not want to work to improve her school work. Yes, she has a documented LD from HS and she gets accommodations in college.

What steps will she take, if any, to prevent pregnancy? She is on the pill but they've been talking about kids.

How strong is their relationship? IMO, not strong enough to weather a marriage. Marriage is hard and requires a lot of negotiation and compromise. Like kids, I don't think you can ever have a true understanding of what it means until you are actually in it.

Have they done premarital counseling? No

Do they expect financial support from their parents? They haven't asked for it (yet). We have explained how much life costs and that they will be financially responsible for themselves. I don't know if her bio mom or his parents are willing to help them or if they have asked them for assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does the school need to teach it?
Why can't life skills be taught at home?
An 18 year old not knowing how to cook or basic life skills getting married or not is a parenting fail in my book.

This. My parents made sure I knew how to do basic stuff--how to do laundry, how to make at least a few easy meals from scratch, how to follow a simple recipe, how to sew on a button or fix a hem, how to clean, how to change a tire, how to perform minor household repairs, how to balance a checkbook, etc. This is not a school's job. These are the kinds of things that a kid should be required to do as they are growing up, both to contribute to the household and to be prepared to manage things when they are not living at home.

[Anonymous]

OK, this is insane.

A few questions:
1. Why are you so worried that she doesn't know how to cook or sew buttons but no questions about her fiance? This is 2015?
2. Why no questions about how they are going to support themselves or do they both already have solid jobs?
3. If she were to get married at 25 instead of 18 would that be ok because she would have learned to cook by then? IF so, how?
4. Why didn't you and DH teach her these skills? Why is this the responsiblity of the schools and not you (and her mother and any other family) at least somewhat in addition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, this is insane.

A few questions:
1. Why are you so worried that she doesn't know how to cook or sew buttons but no questions about her fiance? This is 2015?
2. Why no questions about how they are going to support themselves or do they both already have solid jobs?
3. If she were to get married at 25 instead of 18 would that be ok because she would have learned to cook by then? IF so, how?
4. Why didn't you and DH teach her these skills? Why is this the responsiblity of the schools and not you (and her mother and any other family) at least somewhat in addition?

1. Sure I can worry that he can't do domestic chores either.
2. There is nothing that I can do to change how they will support themselves. No, they don't have solid jobs. DH and I can encourage them to go to college or trade school, but we can't force them.
3. I don't know if she would have learned to cook by then.
4. DH and I didn't teach her these skills because she didn't grow up in our household. She lived here every other weekend.

I mention school because that's where I learned these skills. I'm 43 and I remember a year in Jr. high that I took Home Ec and Woodworking. I also took typing in Jr. High. In HS, I took a year of auto mechanics as one of my electives because I thought it was important to know how to check the oil and change a tire.

My mom could teach me to cook and sew at home. But my parents lacked the skills to teach me basic wood working and mechanic skills. Without taking the classes in school, I would never have been exposed to those skills.

[Anonymous]

I could have taught her to cook, change the oil, cut the lawn, grocery shop, etc, etc, etc in 26 weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have taught her to cook, change the oil, cut the lawn, grocery shop, etc, etc, etc in 26 weekends.

Ok. And that is a lesson learned for me. We didn't do this and it looks like we should have. I can't change the past, I can only change the future. So now, I will help her learn the domestic skills that she will need to live on her own. If her fiance is here during one of her "lessons", I will include him as well.