birthday snub and more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.

OP here. Yes, that's it, and it feels pretty awful. I have known for a while that the other two families are closer with each other and get together more often with each other and without us. I guess this episode just brings it home all the more starkly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe that was the only weekend that worked for them given their schedules and they don't think birthdays are a big deal for anyone over the age of ten.

Or maybe they do think birthdays are a big deal and didn't invite you because they assumed you wouldn't want to come due to DS's birthday.

Only you know the relationship well enough to know if it's worth bringing up. But one thing I will point out is that this is about your feelings as much as your kid. If only your kid were upset, you could bring it up with the parents and explain...but you are feeling excluded as well, so recognize that you'll need to bring that up as well in whatever conversation you have. Honestly, if you're truly hurt, it might be worth bringing up. I'm terrible about doing that sort of thing, and a result has been having a lot of friendships sort of fade away. Maybe right now you're more invested in these relationships than the other participants are; it's okay for that imbalance to exist. Addressing it might make things feel more on even keel, or confirm that your instincts of feeling excluded are right and make it easier to cleanly move on. Limbo is a terrible feeling in any relationship; it's the worst in a friendship since it can last for a really long time.

OP again. This is all very well put. I am still on the fence whether to say something or not. But what can I say? "I guess we like you guys more than you like us"? IAnd I certainly don't want to lose the friendship over this, but, as you say, it's better to move forward with a clearer knowledge of where we stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.

OP here. Yes, that's it, and it feels pretty awful. I have known for a while that the other two families are closer with each other and get together more often with each other and without us. I guess this episode just brings it home all the more starkly.

We've all been there -- being dumped by a friend (even a "soft" dumping like this) hurts a lot. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

This might not be as bad as you assume. Maybe their teens aren't as much into birthday parties anymore, so they planned a getaway instead of a birthday party (you said one has a birthday near to your son's, right?) and didn't invite you because they knew your son DID want to have a birthday party and would be doing that with his other friends that weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe that was the only weekend that worked for them given their schedules and they don't think birthdays are a big deal for anyone over the age of ten.

Or maybe they do think birthdays are a big deal and didn't invite you because they assumed you wouldn't want to come due to DS's birthday.

Only you know the relationship well enough to know if it's worth bringing up. But one thing I will point out is that this is about your feelings as much as your kid. If only your kid were upset, you could bring it up with the parents and explain...but you are feeling excluded as well, so recognize that you'll need to bring that up as well in whatever conversation you have. Honestly, if you're truly hurt, it might be worth bringing up. I'm terrible about doing that sort of thing, and a result has been having a lot of friendships sort of fade away. Maybe right now you're more invested in these relationships than the other participants are; it's okay for that imbalance to exist. Addressing it might make things feel more on even keel, or confirm that your instincts of feeling excluded are right and make it easier to cleanly move on. Limbo is a terrible feeling in any relationship; it's the worst in a friendship since it can last for a really long time.

OP again. This is all very well put. I am still on the fence whether to say something or not. But what can I say? "I guess we like you guys more than you like us"? IAnd I certainly don't want to lose the friendship over this, but, as you say, it's better to move forward with a clearer knowledge of where we stand.

I'd go with something like we're really going to miss you guys this year. Maybe we haven't always acknowledged it enough, but this tradition we've built of celebrating with our families is special to us and I hope we can keep it going. We know how tough it is to coordinate schedules and plan a getaway though! Hopefully next year we can coordinate better. (Or maybe we can get the kids together for a small celebration when everyone's in town?)

If they respond apologetically, then maybe it was just an omission and you don't need to create drama by confronting them more directly. If their response is chilly, well then you're probably right about the distance and should quietly move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.

OP here. Yes, that's it, and it feels pretty awful. I have known for a while that the other two families are closer with each other and get together more often with each other and without us. I guess this episode just brings it home all the more starkly.

PP here. Yes, it is hurtful but it happens all the time, so you are not alone. It sounds like they wanted to pair off but didn't want to hurt your feelings.

At this point, I wouldn't bother to ask them why you were excluded since you were already aware that they were a closer group. Your families can still socialize together but you should probably add other families to your social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe that was the only weekend that worked for them given their schedules and they don't think birthdays are a big deal for anyone over the age of ten.

Or maybe they do think birthdays are a big deal and didn't invite you because they assumed you wouldn't want to come due to DS's birthday.

Only you know the relationship well enough to know if it's worth bringing up. But one thing I will point out is that this is about your feelings as much as your kid. If only your kid were upset, you could bring it up with the parents and explain...but you are feeling excluded as well, so recognize that you'll need to bring that up as well in whatever conversation you have. Honestly, if you're truly hurt, it might be worth bringing up. I'm terrible about doing that sort of thing, and a result has been having a lot of friendships sort of fade away. Maybe right now you're more invested in these relationships than the other participants are; it's okay for that imbalance to exist. Addressing it might make things feel more on even keel, or confirm that your instincts of feeling excluded are right and make it easier to cleanly move on. Limbo is a terrible feeling in any relationship; it's the worst in a friendship since it can last for a really long time.

OP again. This is all very well put. I am still on the fence whether to say something or not. But what can I say? "I guess we like you guys more than you like us"? IAnd I certainly don't want to lose the friendship over this, but, as you say, it's better to move forward with a clearer knowledge of where we stand.

I'd go with something like we're really going to miss you guys this year. Maybe we haven't always acknowledged it enough, but this tradition we've built of celebrating with our families is special to us and I hope we can keep it going. We know how tough it is to coordinate schedules and plan a getaway though! Hopefully next year we can coordinate better. (Or maybe we can get the kids together for a small celebration when everyone's in town?)

If they respond apologetically, then maybe it was just an omission and you don't need to create drama by confronting them more directly. If their response is chilly, well then you're probably right about the distance and should quietly move on.

OP, I would at least try to let them know that their friendship is important to you, and that you were disappointed/hurt that you could not continue the traditions. If you've been spending less time with them, though, they may just have assumed that you don't feel as close to them. It's worth finding out before moving on.

However, it may be that you have valued their friendship more than they valued yours. That can certainly be painful. I came face to face with this when I realized that my friend of 25+ years is someone who is constitutionally someone who is a taker. She just doesn't have it in her to be there for others, and I'd been feeling hurt over and over through the years when she didn't come through on special events, occasions, etc.

Once the signals are clear, it's up to you to either 1) make more of an effort to keep up with these friends; or 2) let the friendship morph into a different phase.

I would not cut them off altogether if you've been close for a while. Friendships change and while the two families may be closer now, that could change over time.

Try not to take it personally. Remember, these things are almost always about the other people and want they want/need, not about you.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, this sucks and I would feel hurt too. I don't know if it's worth saying anything as the message is pretty clear, but I definitely understand your pain.

[Anonymous]

Some families are closer than others. You and your son have every right to be hurt but I would try to move on. I'm a little surprised that these kid/family friendships last until the teenage years. My kids are now 4 and 6 and don't necessarily expect to get invited to every party anymore although the invitations have continued to come. I am sure they will lessen starting this year. I know I cannot keep inviting everyone and will need to start cutting people and I am sure a few feelings may get hurt.

How far in advance did you send out invitations?

We go away often. When kids were younger, I may have straight up asked what dates they were considering for Larla's birthday because we would try to plan trips around it. Now I don't want to be presumptuous that we will be invited. I plan our trips and send a gift if the dates don't line up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.

OP here. Yes, that's it, and it feels pretty awful. I have known for a while that the other two families are closer with each other and get together more often with each other and without us. I guess this episode just brings it home all the more starkly.

So you knew but you just didn't want to know.
I think that's a fine attitude for adults but for kids who maybe are more vulnerable you need to be more active about these situations. Once you see the drift away, acknowledge it and don't ignore. Then move on yourself. Look back fondly at those memories and try to impart to your kids that friendships and situations change.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. I think it bothers me even more because they made this change in the way things have worked at the time of your dc's birthday. That makes is worse. I would say something. PP have had some great suggestions. Have you noticed a change in the relationships? Are you scheduled to see them again soon?

Once again hugs to you and your ds.

[Anonymous]

It hurts, but the one thing I have learned about friendships through the years is that friendships wax and wane. While they may be closer at this particular moment in time, you may be closer to one of them in a year based on life circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Do the other kids go to school together? If that's the case, I can absolutely see how those friendships have been "watered" more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.

OP here. Yes, that's it, and it feels pretty awful. I have known for a while that the other two families are closer with each other and get together more often with each other and without us. I guess this episode just brings it home all the more starkly.

OP this is very painful and it sucks. I am sorry. I think you need to adjust to the new reality (after the birthday party), then feel out the situation. Sometimes when things have become a "tradition" other people feel differently but they never say anything. They just let it build up until they do something very hurtful like this. You say the kids are teens? I notice that the parents get ever less tolerant of others as the teen years go past and they know that the family will be splitting up for college. So they grab the family time together without regard for other peoples feelings. Teens can be very mean without really understanding that it is rude and how much it hurts-- they just think, well I don't feel as close to "Jason" anymore, and that is fine to them. The relationship IS changed now, and I think going forward you would be better off thinking that than that it is a "misunderstanding"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They certainly do know when my kid's birthday is-- the other family's kid's birthday is only a few days later and we have always coordinated not to have it on the same day so that everyone can attend both birthdays. I don't think they meant to snub, they are just thoughtless, and it hurts. And yes, the two families are going away together.

Guess not "always"...

What happened this year with the coordinating? Did you try to coordinate in advance or not do it this year?