birthday snub and more

[Anonymous]

What would you do? we have been friends with two families for over ten years. Our kids (now teenagers) have been close, although a little less so in the last couple of years because they don't go to the schools. We all go away together every year, kids and all, and see each other regularly as families (about once a month) and also separately in different combinations. It's my DC's birthday this coming weekend, and other kids have been coming to DCs birthday party since they were all 4 years old. DC invited the other two families' kids this year, as usual, but they said they can't come because they all are going away together for a weekend. My DC is very upset that they chose this weekend to go away (they know it's his birthday), and didn't give him heads up (he could have had his party at another time). Of course I am also upset and am feeling excluded (that we were not included in the going away plans), and feel sad for my kid. What would you do? Of course it's their prerogative to socialize without us (and I know that they do) but somehow it feels particularly stinging --and I find it thoughtless-that they would plan this outing on this particular weekend. I don't want to be petty or make a big deal out of it because I care about these people a great deal, but I really would like to let them know that my feelings are hurt, and so are my kid's. Should I say something? Or just let it go and pretend as if nothing happened?

[Anonymous]

"Oh drat, I wish we had known your plans, we could have had the party another time. Well, enjoy and we'll get together later." And move on.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure it was an act of omission not commission.

Presumably other people will be coming to your kid's party?

I'm sure it stings, but I would try to not hold a grudge and move on.

[Anonymous]

The other two families are going away together?

[Anonymous]

They probably didn't even know your kid's birthday was coming up, they're not trying to snub you, you need to get over it. It's not a snub, just a coincidence

[Anonymous]

Do something really special for your child's birthday and know they are no longer good friends.

[Anonymous]

Wait. They're teenagers and still have birthday parties every year?

[Anonymous]

They certainly do know when my kid's birthday is-- the other family's kid's birthday is only a few days later and we have always coordinated not to have it on the same day so that everyone can attend both birthdays. I don't think they meant to snub, they are just thoughtless, and it hurts. And yes, the two families are going away together.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe that was the only weekend that worked for them given their schedules and they don't think birthdays are a big deal for anyone over the age of ten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe that was the only weekend that worked for them given their schedules and they don't think birthdays are a big deal for anyone over the age of ten.

Or maybe they do think birthdays are a big deal and didn't invite you because they assumed you wouldn't want to come due to DS's birthday.

Only you know the relationship well enough to know if it's worth bringing up. But one thing I will point out is that this is about your feelings as much as your kid. If only your kid were upset, you could bring it up with the parents and explain...but you are feeling excluded as well, so recognize that you'll need to bring that up as well in whatever conversation you have. Honestly, if you're truly hurt, it might be worth bringing up. I'm terrible about doing that sort of thing, and a result has been having a lot of friendships sort of fade away. Maybe right now you're more invested in these relationships than the other participants are; it's okay for that imbalance to exist. Addressing it might make things feel more on even keel, or confirm that your instincts of feeling excluded are right and make it easier to cleanly move on. Limbo is a terrible feeling in any relationship; it's the worst in a friendship since it can last for a really long time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

You should try to find out why you were excluded. It is very possible that their relationship has taken a new turn with new interests that might not include you as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They certainly do know when my kid's birthday is-- the other family's kid's birthday is only a few days later and we have always coordinated not to have it on the same day so that everyone can attend both birthdays. I don't think they meant to snub, they are just thoughtless, and it hurts. And yes, the two families are going away together.

Guess not "always"...

[Anonymous]

There's just an age when childhood focus on birthdays and traditions aren't that big of a deal. Just be friendly, and move on. Friendships change...and sometimes run their course.

[Anonymous]

If it was such a big deal for them to be at your teenagers birthday party you should have reached out to them in advance to confirm a date that works for everyone instead of planning it and assuming their calendars would be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.