birthday snub and more

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a lot of drama OP. I agree I would be hurt. Sometimes this stuff hurts all the more if you don't have family near so sometimes friends are like family. In any event, it wasn't nice so you do know where you stand and you should plan accordingly. I would move on and not in a dramatic phone call way. I would just know that these families are not close friends. I would tell your child that sometimes people have other plans and not let him know you are upset. That would be worse. I also find that some families take a weird pleasure in excluding someone from a group. I see this all too often. In any event, you know where you stand so do not dwell, move on and move up!

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this rudely, but why aren't the other families allowed to do something without the OPs family? I don't see this as that big a deal. The OP must not have tried to coordinate dates or she would have known about it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this rudely, but why aren't the other families allowed to do something without the OPs family? I don't see this as that big a deal. The OP must not have tried to coordinate dates or she would have known about it sooner.

Well, it really sounds like they planned this without cluing OP in at all. Which, yes, they are allowed to do, but I think OP's sting comes from the fact they purposely scheduled it on a weekend when they knew her kid's birthday was and didn't tell her so she could a) be aware they weren't coming or b) move the party. I do think it could have been innocent on their part and not necessarily the friendship death knell, but I don't think OP is to blame for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this rudely, but why aren't the other families allowed to do something without the OPs family? I don't see this as that big a deal. The OP must not have tried to coordinate dates or she would have known about it sooner.

Well, it really sounds like they planned this without cluing OP in at all. Which, yes, they are allowed to do, but I think OP's sting comes from the fact they purposely scheduled it on a weekend when they knew her kid's birthday was and didn't tell her so she could a) be aware they weren't coming or b) move the party. I do think it could have been innocent on their part and not necessarily the friendship death knell, but I don't think OP is to blame for this.

I'm the PP and don't think the OP is to blame for anything, but it sounds like they normally discuss dates ahead of time to avoid conflict and that didn't happen this year so I don't understand feeling slighted when the dates were learned later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this rudely, but why aren't the other families allowed to do something without the OPs family? I don't see this as that big a deal. The OP must not have tried to coordinate dates or she would have known about it sooner.

Well, it really sounds like they planned this without cluing OP in at all. Which, yes, they are allowed to do, but I think OP's sting comes from the fact they purposely scheduled it on a weekend when they knew her kid's birthday was and didn't tell her so she could a) be aware they weren't coming or b) move the party. I do think it could have been innocent on their part and not necessarily the friendship death knell, but I don't think OP is to blame for this.

I'm the PP and don't think the OP is to blame for anything, but it sounds like they normally discuss dates ahead of time to avoid conflict and that didn't happen this year so I don't understand feeling slighted when the dates were learned later.

They certainly know the dates if they have done this for years -- that is the part that hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They certainly do know when my kid's birthday is-- the other family's kid's birthday is only a few days later and we have always coordinated not to have it on the same day so that everyone can attend both birthdays. I don't think they meant to snub, they are just thoughtless, and it hurts. And yes, the two families are going away together.

So you didn't coordinate the dates this year, apparently -- maybe they felt slighted by that?

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing it's a lot of things. It's fall and weekends are super busy for everyone (sports, etc.) and there was probably some sort of event the two families identified a while back that they wanted to attend together. They planned it and at some point probably realized it was your son's bday weekend but by then it's too late. By your own admission, your son is not as close to these guys as he used to be. I'm so sorry that this happened, OP. While I"m confident your friends didn't mean to slight you and aren't trying to send you any sort of message, it still ends up feeling a lot like rejection. Time is a healer. I don't see what you can achieve positively by sharing your hurt with your friends. They'll initially feel bad but will quickly be annoyed that you tried to guilt them. I would simply shoot them an email saying that since they will be out of town for your son't bday, could you guys plan a belated get together when they get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They certainly do know when my kid's birthday is-- the other family's kid's birthday is only a few days later and we have always coordinated not to have it on the same day so that everyone can attend both birthdays. I don't think they meant to snub, they are just thoughtless, and it hurts. And yes, the two families are going away together.

So you didn't coordinate the dates this year, apparently -- maybe they felt slighted by that?

Did the other family go away for the child's birthday?

If the birthdays are close together and they only went away with 1 family, I would try not to take it too personally. It isn't like they were trying to exclude you. They only went with 1 famly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this rudely, but why aren't the other families allowed to do something without the OPs family? I don't see this as that big a deal. The OP must not have tried to coordinate dates or she would have known about it sooner.

Well, it really sounds like they planned this without cluing OP in at all. Which, yes, they are allowed to do, but I think OP's sting comes from the fact they purposely scheduled it on a weekend when they knew her kid's birthday was and didn't tell her so she could a) be aware they weren't coming or b) move the party. I do think it could have been innocent on their part and not necessarily the friendship death knell, but I don't think OP is to blame for this.

OP here. It's this. Of course they are allowed to do something without us, but it really stings that they are doing it this weekend. We didn't coordinate the birthday parties because 1. it looked like there would be no conflict 2. kids are old enough to do the inviting /coordinating themselves. Anyway, thank you for all the kind words, it is actually very helpful!!

[Anonymous]

What did the other families say when they told you they couldn't come because they were going away? Did they say they were sorry? Did they say that their kids wish your kid a happy birthday? Did they say that their kids are sorry to miss their friend's birthday? Did they act like they saw the elephant in the room? This is what I find confusing.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I have not talked to the families/parents. Kids are teens and all communications were among them. My kid extended the invitation. One of the other kids said, sorry I can't come, and nor can the other two, 'cause we are all going away together. So I truly have no idea whether this is an oversight, or there is more to it (i.e. the other kids don't care for my kid etc) But I'd be surprised because we just saw one of the other families a week ago and all kids seemed happy to hang out. Ugh. What drama.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for this, OP. It always seems that when 3 (families, kids, people) are friends, or together, one is always excluded. I guess it's just human nature? But it still hurts. Good luck to you, whether you bring it up to them or not.

[Anonymous]

If your kid's feelings are hurt, I would encourage him/her to be the one to express that to these friends. No like that fact that their feelings are hurt should change anything, but more just the recognition that relationships gradually equalize as these children grow into adults.

You have plural children (how many?) Do these other families have multiple children? It's too complicated Op. It's too many children, too many people involved. Too much involved in scheduling/planning one's time.

Either don't get upset by this, or use it to mean plans need to be less complicated

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, too, OP. Lots of dynamics in threesomes. Are you friends with any of the parents? Seems weird that one of them doesn't say anything. Is it possible that they're going away for the other kid's birthday, and that kid is only allowed to invite one other kid? Still seems harsh, but I would hope the other parent would be big enough to say something to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. My feelings would be hurt, as would DS' as we are big on traditions in our family.

The fact that the other two families chose the weekend of DS's birthday to go away together--I don't for a second buy that they overlooked the date--and not even mention it the other week when you saw one of the families, is to me a sign that a friendship has run its time/place course. Your friend could have tipped you off about the trip and offered a rain-check. Instead it went unmentioned. I feel bad that your DS go the "cause we are all going away together" response. Rotten. Hugs to you.