birthday snub and more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, that is a bold snub. The fact you all normally get together on a regular basis plus take annual vacations together makes it super awkward. They really should have notified you.

I agree. I think it's a clear message that they do not view you as close friends anymore. Who knows what happened -- but now you know and can move forward with that knowledge.

OP here. Yes, that's it, and it feels pretty awful. I have known for a while that the other two families are closer with each other and get together more often with each other and without us. I guess this episode just brings it home all the more starkly.

Three way friendships are rarely ever equal. Whether it's 3 individuals or 3 families.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP - this does suck.

Did the other kids have their birthdays yet? Was your family invited?
Are the birthdays just the kids or do the adults participate, too? If adults participate, I would go ahead and send them an email or call them formally inviting them.
Is it possible the boys got their dates mixed up?

In regards to not being included in the outing, I am frequently not invited to outings because I have a kid and I have had to say no a few times. So, the invites stopped coming until I heard about something real cool that the group did that I could have attended. I casually brought it up to basically say that the event sounded like fun and I would have loved to have gone. I also said that I wont always be able to go but I love getting the invite anyway, esp. because now that my kid is getting older, it will be easier for me to do stuff. No guilt, no pointing fingers, all said with a smile.

So...is it possible that the friends assumed you wouldn't be interested in going? Did you used to say "no" to other invites? Do you reciprocate ie. invite them to join you, plan events etc.?

I honestly don't think they were intentionally trying to slight you. And, despite celebrating your sons birthday for the past several years, it is very hard to keep up with dates without a reminder. I bet it hasnt even dawned on them that your sons birthday is the same weekend.

If you are close to them, call them and invite them to your sons party. Tell them that your son was supposed to ask the boys but you aren't sure if he did yet and you wanted to let them know sooner than later. Take it from there.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update: I wrote to the friends, they seem to be truly apologetic (was not a snub, slipped their mind), so I think we're ok. I am still a little sad (about being excluded, about them forgetting the b-day) but such is life and as many PPs said, three way friendships are rarely equal and that is that, and time to move on. Thanks, all, for good advice and sympathy and wisdom, it helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP. Not everyone puts the same weight on birthdays. Your son is in high school now, time to just lighten up about them and not expect the world to stop.

I'm sorry that it is clear your family is not as close as the others. This hurts, but it is not a slight,,just the way life goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe that was the only weekend that worked for them given their schedules and they don't think birthdays are a big deal for anyone over the age of ten.

Or maybe they do think birthdays are a big deal and didn't invite you because they assumed you wouldn't want to come due to DS's birthday.

Only you know the relationship well enough to know if it's worth bringing up. But one thing I will point out is that this is about your feelings as much as your kid. If only your kid were upset, you could bring it up with the parents and explain...but you are feeling excluded as well, so recognize that you'll need to bring that up as well in whatever conversation you have. Honestly, if you're truly hurt, it might be worth bringing up. I'm terrible about doing that sort of thing, and a result has been having a lot of friendships sort of fade away. Maybe right now you're more invested in these relationships than the other participants are; it's okay for that imbalance to exist. Addressing it might make things feel more on even keel, or confirm that your instincts of feeling excluded are right and make it easier to cleanly move on. Limbo is a terrible feeling in any relationship; it's the worst in a friendship since it can last for a really long time.

OP again. This is all very well put. I am still on the fence whether to say something or not. But what can I say? "I guess we like you guys more than you like us"? IAnd I certainly don't want to lose the friendship over this, but, as you say, it's better to move forward with a clearer knowledge of where we stand.

I'd go with something like we're really going to miss you guys this year. Maybe we haven't always acknowledged it enough, but this tradition we've built of celebrating with our families is special to us and I hope we can keep it going. We know how tough it is to coordinate schedules and plan a getaway though! Hopefully next year we can coordinate better. (Or maybe we can get the kids together for a small celebration when everyone's in town?)

If they respond apologetically, then maybe it was just an omission and you don't need to create drama by confronting them more directly. If their response is chilly, well then you're probably right about the distance and should quietly move on.

Whatever you say, not this. Sounds whiny and pathetic.