Vent: My husband told me he wants a divorce!
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Anonymous
Why? |
Anonymous
...because clearly that PP is jealous and wants to do the same. Scary to think there are more of them out there like that. |
Anonymous
| OP, he'll probably come crawling back in the future. |
Anonymous
| If someone wants to leave, let them go. Living well is the best revenge. |
Anonymous
I won't take him back! |
Anonymous
I couldn't agree more! |
Anonymous
+2 I also wondering if he has either met someone or wants to see what is out there and not feel guilty. Some DCUMers have posted about the 180. I don't know all the details and would probably not explain it correctly but I know survivinginfidelity website has more details. As for dealing with the news, what can you do but put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward for yourself and your child? Personally, I would try to make sure there is an informal agreement about joint custody as you go thru this process so DH isn't living la vida loca and shirking his reponsibility to his child and this gives you a break to get done what things you need to get done. Also not sure about your finances but if they are joint, I would move half the amount to a personal account and start looking at what you need to do to separate finances. You would like to think DH will do the honorable thing and make sure his child and mother of his child are not left destitute but who the heck knows what he will do given this bombshell. I wouldn't be big on trust right now. I know there is a lot to consider but also think about joining a divorce mom group. At a minimum you want to get the perpective of people that have BTDT if you don't already have friends that can help. |
Anonymous
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Wow....What a jerk. He probably thinks the grass will be much greener.
And when he finds out it is not, he will come back knocking on your door, hoping for a second chance. Let the idiot go. If something like seeing his brother single and happy is actually his reason for leaving you, then that shows how much he values marriage. And you. You deserve much better.... |
Anonymous
Not true. I consulted an atty recently. My husband makes a lot less than I do and if he tries to divorce me he is likely to get spousal support for a period of time. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry op. That's awful. If he's already moving stuff out, treat him like he's gone. Don't think being "nice" will make him want to come back. Make him feel your absence. Stay respectful, but be strong. Aloof, not angry. I'm sorry you're going through this. |
Anonymous
follow this advice and any hope of reconciliation is flushed |
Anonymous
| What a piece of shit. I'm really sorry OP. |
Anonymous
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Do the 180, it is usually recommended when there is infidelity but it will work here too.
So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa) |
Anonymous
Really? What do you think she should do? |
Anonymous
he's leaving because he wants zero responsibility, so it sounds like he doesn't want even 50/50 custody. so he'll likely end up paying child support anyway. |