Relationship or just sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's totally appropriate to have the exclusivity conversation at this point. If he balks or you "scare him away", he wasn't really interested in a relationship. My guess is that he already thinks you are in a relationship.

Most guys that just want to have sex are not interested in hanging out with your friends or taking you on dates, etc. Does he set aside time to be with you or does he just call you at the last minute and come over?

I think six weeks wasn't too early to have sex -- especially given how often you were seeing each other. Quite frankly, most guys would not have the patience to wait that long if they were only interested in sex.

The thing is -- you need to feel comfortable talking to guys about these things and your expectations. The right type of guys will engage in these conversations and be up front with you. Those looking for a hook up will steer clear of you -- and that is not really a bad thing.

Good luck. I think he is really into you.

Thanks. This was most helpful. We are meeting for dinner at 8 tonight. I am going to bring it up. My guy is telling me its not just FWB, but I had a friend who went through something similar. After several months she asked him to be her date to a wedding. He was surprised and told her they were just " FWB". She was really hurt.

In my case, he or we plan things in advance. Some things may be last minute, but we usually plan days ahead of time. Weekends are mostly spent together or with friends. I sleep over 95% of the time. The last minute occasions are usually after work. He will always says " Babe..I know you're likely bored or sick of me, but want to have dinner?"

My last boyfriend turned out to be a narcissist. I didn't know anything about NPD until the last couple months of our relationship. He put on a great show until the very end. I am cautious because I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think everyone has the "we're exclusive" talk. Sometimes it just happens. Seeing each other multiple times a week seems much more like a relationship than a FWB arrangement.

m

I have never had that talk in my entire life. It is not my job to tell people want to do or not do. OP, maybe he's nervous about bring it up.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't sound like FWB,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean if you don't know and you're dating him, then we really don't know since we don't know either of you.

If you want to know something, ask. If you are scared to ask, you need to explore why that is. But closed mouths don't get fed.

And if you are too scared to ask, you should also ask yourself why you are having sex with someone you cannot discuss these things with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think everyone has the "we're exclusive" talk. Sometimes it just happens. Seeing each other multiple times a week seems much more like a relationship than a FWB arrangement.

m

I have never had that talk in my entire life. It is not my job to tell people want to do or not do. OP, maybe he's nervous about bring it up.

I agree that not everyone has these talks, sometimes relationships just normally move along. Do you talk to him on the phone when you don't see him? Do you text/email throughout the day? Those things would point to more of a relationship to me.

As far as the sex every time you see him, I think that can be normal, at least it is from my experience. I don't think that alone means FWB. Good luck with your talk!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes we talk on the phone at night, text throughout the day, but not always. Texting is difficult with my job.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you express your needs while in a relationship?

I've been dating someone the same amount of time as you and not only are we exclusive, but we're boyfriend / girlfriend.

Take your destiny into your own hands!

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like it's just sex to me. But having a talk about hopes/expectations is still worthwhile.

Look at George Clooney (pre-Amal) for an example. He always had a 'legit' girlfriend - took them places, was seen in the press with them - they were 'real' relationships - but he was very vocal about never marrying again, and found a new one quickly each time the last one ended. Just because it's an actual relationship doesn't mean it's heading in the direction you want if you're thinking long-term or marriage potential.

[Anonymous]

On one hand he takes you out on actual dates and you have met his friends, yet on the other hand he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend yet.

I would say you guys are somewhere in the middle. Not technically exclusive, but a little more than friends w/benefits.

Honestly OP, since you have known him this long...You should be comfortable enough around him to ask if he is seeing other women.

I highly doubt he will get scared. Men like assertive women.

And it is much better than living with all this uncertainty in you life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...The thing is -- you need to feel comfortable talking to guys about these things and your expectations. The right type of guys will engage in these conversations and be up front with you. Those looking for a hook up will steer clear of you -- and that is not really a bad thing.

Good luck. I think he is really into you.

What this person said.

Whether looking for a long-term or hookup, the thing is good people (and good people sometimes go for hookups, too) usually find talking about it a big relief. The goal isn't to push someone into a relationship he/she doesn't want, it's to find out what the other person's thinking, share what you're thinking, see if there's enough of a match, and then make decisions based on that information.

Like the FWB situation? Fine. Nothing wrong with that. And for yourself, don't feel like just because you've been seeing each other for months and sleeping together for awhile that it means YOU have to love him, either. But I do think what you have to do is be honest with yourself and also with him.

I've had a variety of different relationships, and they've all benefitted from communication like this.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't at all sound like a FWB situation to me, so when you talk to him please don't start there or sound accusatory. For all you know he considers you his girlfriend, so just don't start the conversation on a defensive note.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We did dinner last night and we talked. I pretty much just asked where he this this was going and if exclusivity was something he wanted down the road. Turns out he was afraid to bring it up. He knows my past with my ex and his typical narcissist behavior.

He himself was afraid to bring up the exclusivity because he didn't want to seem pushy or a nut job. He hasn't been seeing anyone since our second date. He seemed nervous
( but so cute!) asking if I was seeing others. I joked about the FWB and he thought it was funny I thought that.

So, I'm a happy woman. We did go back to his place and had sex. I'm happy I no longer have to wonder and worry. Seeing how nervous he became was so cute. We are no officially exclusive. I can bang him anytime without worry

[Anonymous]

Awww, glad to hear it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to know if he plans on sex w.o commitment, or if sees this progressing towards a relationship ( if he doesn't already). I don't want to waste time if he doesn't see us being serious, yet I don't want to ask too soon and he end up feeling rushed or scared off.

Sigh. The point I was making above is, if you'd NOT have sex without a commitment, you wouldn't have these questions.

I agree. Sounds like you saw each other 8 times before having sex and since then, you've had sex each time you were together. What would happen if you said "Not tonight."[/quote]


This is key! If you don't want to ask him straight out, just tell him, after the movie, or dinner, or whatever, you want to just go home and go to sleep early, alone. How he responds to that will give you your answer about how he views the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We did dinner last night and we talked. I pretty much just asked where he this this was going and if exclusivity was something he wanted down the road. Turns out he was afraid to bring it up. He knows my past with my ex and his typical narcissist behavior.

He himself was afraid to bring up the exclusivity because he didn't want to seem pushy or a nut job. He hasn't been seeing anyone since our second date. He seemed nervous
( but so cute!) asking if I was seeing others. I joked about the FWB and he thought it was funny I thought that.

So, I'm a happy woman. We did go back to his place and had sex. I'm happy I no longer have to wonder and worry. Seeing how nervous he became was so cute. We are no officially exclusive. I can bang him anytime without worry

OP, I am the pp who mentioned HIM being nervous about bringing it up. You sound really nice. Hope you guys have lots of fun times ahead.