What to say to friend with Failed adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

The point is to let them know there is hope for success, and give them the courage to go on.

That meets your need not theirs. Plenty of people try for many years to adopt and don't for what every reason. To hear that, which we did often made me feel far worse as you have to wonder what is wrong with you that you are not chosen. Big difference in telling a story of I tried for 4-6 years, many failures and finally was successful vs. oh, we tried for a year, had a failed adoption and got a kid two months later, especially when the person is 2-3 years into trying and spent a small fortune. You don't get it.

No, you are the one who doesn't get it. You are the one who is making this post about you. You are the one who is imagining that it didn't take years for us to get to the failed adoption, that it didn't take thousands of dollars to get there, that we weren't crushed at the fall-through, that we didn't devote every waking moment to pursuing other opportunities after that. That is our story. It's real. I'm not going to make up a fanciful story when OP's friend can be inspired by the truth.

But I'm done arguing with you. I have better things to do.

You will never be described as a lovely person, you don't even make it to tolerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a really great couple that I know. I realized that it is very much like having a still born baby. They will grieve the loss in much the same way. I think you just be supportive of them and don't belittle the loss in any way. They were bonded to the unborn child.

Really?
Did the prospective parents go thru labor & delivery and pregnancy and is the child dead?
By dead I mean not alive?

[Anonymous]

Please don't be ugly about this; I can tell you must be hurting (I have lost two pregnancies -- I get it) but for those who are adopting (perhaps especially if there has been pregnancy loss or infertility), losing an adoption *is* a major grieving event, a death of sorts. I am sorry you are hurting (or seem to be) but making statements like this just doesn't seem helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a really great couple that I know. I realized that it is very much like having a still born baby. They will grieve the loss in much the same way. I think you just be supportive of them and don't belittle the loss in any way. They were bonded to the unborn child.

Really?
Did the prospective parents go thru labor & delivery and pregnancy and is the child dead?
By dead I mean not alive?

In many cases, the parents have gone through stillbirths, or late term miscarriages, and a host of other things before this, yet another VERY REAL loss, is experienced. Not this time, of course, because it's an adoption of course, but given that adoption OFTEN is pursued by couples after running the gamut of fertility treatments, it's a fair bet to think that they may have suffered great loss already. (I feel I almost need to add a disclaimer here about same sex couples, etc. because I know DCUM will get snarky about that).

The point is these parents are experiencing loss and grief and need to be afforded the time, space, and support to grieve in their own way, in their own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a really great couple that I know. I realized that it is very much like having a still born baby. They will grieve the loss in much the same way. I think you just be supportive of them and don't belittle the loss in any way. They were bonded to the unborn child.

It isn't the same thing. It can be incredibly hard, and the potential adoptive parents need time and support in their grief, but a situation in which a mother finds the resources to parent the child that she gave birth to, is not the same thing as a dead baby, and making that comparison is incredibly disrespectful to mother and child.

-- Adoptive parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a really great couple that I know. I realized that it is very much like having a still born baby. They will grieve the loss in much the same way. I think you just be supportive of them and don't belittle the loss in any way. They were bonded to the unborn child.

It isn't the same thing. It can be incredibly hard, and the potential adoptive parents need time and support in their grief, but a situation in which a mother finds the resources to parent the child that she gave birth to, is not the same thing as a dead baby, and making that comparison is incredibly disrespectful to mother and child.

-- Adoptive parent

+1 another adoptive parent. If a parent is able to parent, or changes their mind (within a reasonable time frame like Maryland's 30 day revocation period), they should be encouraged to parent. Then, that child was not meant to be yours. It is a very difficult experience to have a child taken from you you prepared to parent, but its a very different experience. It can be equally devastating, but not a loss in a still born.

We've had some horrific stuff happen in our adoption. Nothing is even comparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

The point is to let them know there is hope for success, and give them the courage to go on.

That meets your need not theirs. Plenty of people try for many years to adopt and don't for what every reason. To hear that, which we did often made me feel far worse as you have to wonder what is wrong with you that you are not chosen. Big difference in telling a story of I tried for 4-6 years, many failures and finally was successful vs. oh, we tried for a year, had a failed adoption and got a kid two months later, especially when the person is 2-3 years into trying and spent a small fortune. You don't get it.

No, you are the one who doesn't get it. You are the one who is making this post about you. You are the one who is imagining that it didn't take years for us to get to the failed adoption, that it didn't take thousands of dollars to get there, that we weren't crushed at the fall-through, that we didn't devote every waking moment to pursuing other opportunities after that. That is our story. It's real. I'm not going to make up a fanciful story when OP's friend can be inspired by the truth.

But I'm done arguing with you. I have better things to do.

You will never be described as a lovely person, you don't even make it to tolerable.

NP here. PP arguing with the poster and her story you are a class 1 A-hole! Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Just listen. Let them know you are available to listen or for whatever else they might want-- which could be distraction.

They know what they need. They know how they feel. You don't. Show respect for their experience. Don't try to stretch it to be "just like that time..." something happened to you.

OP, I'd strongly encourage you NOT to give them a frown-upside-down story of adoption success after failure. They are grieving for *this* child whom they will never have in their life or their family. This child and the family the would make together was real to them, and "we'll find another puppy" is not what they need to hear. The idea of holding out hope could be unbearably painful. They might need a break from the process, and might be too raw to let themselves be vulnerable again.

Let them decide what they need. Hear them out. Resist the urge to fix it or minimize it.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. Just listen and tell them you're sorry. Happened to us and it was heartbreaking, just some of the worst pain I've ever lived through. It almost ended our journey on the spot.

We ended up getting a call about another baby a few months later and it took us awhile to decide whether to proceed. They may pull away or not want to talk about it. This is part of the reason we told immediate family and almost no one else about our adoption. It's just too damned painful if it doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a really great couple that I know. I realized that it is very much like having a still born baby. They will grieve the loss in much the same way. I think you just be supportive of them and don't belittle the loss in any way. They were bonded to the unborn child.

Mom of a stillborn child here. I think this is a very astute observation. They have lost someone who was already very much a presence in their lives. They may be terrified that they will never have another chance to have a child.

I'm very sorry for your friends, OP. It's a terrible loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for seeking advice. We had a failed adoption twice, and eveyrone just kind of swept it under the rug and didn't get it. Not only are you grieving the child that you were hoping to parent, but you've also most likely lost a significant amount of money as well. I would just listen, express that you are sorry and be there. People act like it's nothing, but it really is an ambiguous loss. when the time is right, they may try again (or not), but I can tell you that it's with support that I had the courage to try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just listen. Let them know you are available to listen or for whatever else they might want-- which could be distraction.

They know what they need. They know how they feel. You don't. Show respect for their experience. Don't try to stretch it to be "just like that time..." something happened to you.

OP, I'd strongly encourage you NOT to give them a frown-upside-down story of adoption success after failure. They are grieving for *this* child whom they will never have in their life or their family. This child and the family the would make together was real to them, and "we'll find another puppy" is not what they need to hear. The idea of holding out hope could be unbearably painful. They might need a break from the process, and might be too raw to let themselves be vulnerable again.

Let them decide what they need. Hear them out. Resist the urge to fix it or minimize it.

+1 Yes! You get it, PP. We were almost placed with a child for adoption when the child's mother changed her mind. I missed THAT child - that I loved, even though my heart said it wasn't safe to love, yet. Being told that I could have another child in two weeks (which we did, actually) would have been extremely unhelpful. I knew that it was a good thing that the baby's mom decided to parent. But that didn't stop my feelings of hurt for THAT child.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask "have you tried...?' or say "Everything happens for a reason". Just listen if they want to talk or distract if they don't. Try to take on some chores--pick up or make dinner. When I was grieving, doing simple things were just exhausting.
The best thing a friend said to me was, "I sit in the sadness with you." Made me feel like I wasn't alone.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to say anything? Is it not more helpful to just listen?
Either way, adoption is about providing a family when there is none, not taking one away

I get the sneaking suspicion that they are not working with an ethical agency. How could they have been promised a baby so soon and the agency be that confident of a match

[Anonymous]

I would echo the advice to just be there & listen - and maybe just say 'that sucks' or hugs or go to escapist movies. People respond to situations very differently - I had an end of pregnancy stillbirth & realized that most people are uncomfortable & don't know what to say & try to feel like they can say something to make you happy or feel better or 'optimistic' - but generally have good intentions even if they say things that made me feel a lot worse (like 'just keep trying' or 'things work out for the best' or someone else's 'success' story' and all sorts of random things. I pretty much pulled away from most people & couldn't really take it & honestly, I could not ever have my own kids. No one has a clue what the future really holds for your friend. Loss is loss. I'd just make it clear you are there (and love her no matter what)