What to say to friend with Failed adoption?

[Anonymous]

My friends recently had an adoption fall through at the last minute. We are terribly sad for them as they are such a loving couple. They were so excited and had a registry and everything. What's the best way to support?

[Anonymous]

Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

[Anonymous]

Just listen.. don't offer advice, don't talk about so and so who successfully adopted... let them do the talking. Don't be surprised if they pull away for a while. Give them space and wait 2-3 months and reach out again. Offer to go out to lunch, dinner. Know holidays are very hard. It took us many years and a lot of pain to adopt. Tell them its ok to give up hope, but don't stop trying. (we had no hope to the end but we kept minimally going and that is when it happened right when we were about to stop)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

[Anonymous]

"I am so sorry"

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I am here for you if you need me. I'm available to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

The point is to let them know there is hope for success, and give them the courage to go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

The point is to let them know there is hope for success, and give them the courage to go on.

That meets your need not theirs. Plenty of people try for many years to adopt and don't for what every reason. To hear that, which we did often made me feel far worse as you have to wonder what is wrong with you that you are not chosen. Big difference in telling a story of I tried for 4-6 years, many failures and finally was successful vs. oh, we tried for a year, had a failed adoption and got a kid two months later, especially when the person is 2-3 years into trying and spent a small fortune. You don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

The point is to let them know there is hope for success, and give them the courage to go on.

That meets your need not theirs. Plenty of people try for many years to adopt and don't for what every reason. To hear that, which we did often made me feel far worse as you have to wonder what is wrong with you that you are not chosen. Big difference in telling a story of I tried for 4-6 years, many failures and finally was successful vs. oh, we tried for a year, had a failed adoption and got a kid two months later, especially when the person is 2-3 years into trying and spent a small fortune. You don't get it.

No, you are the one who doesn't get it. You are the one who is making this post about you. You are the one who is imagining that it didn't take years for us to get to the failed adoption, that it didn't take thousands of dollars to get there, that we weren't crushed at the fall-through, that we didn't devote every waking moment to pursuing other opportunities after that. That is our story. It's real. I'm not going to make up a fanciful story when OP's friend can be inspired by the truth.

But I'm done arguing with you. I have better things to do.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them you are so sorry, you know that they were so excited. Failed adoptions are awful. I wouldn't give them advice, just listen.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Tell them you're sorry and that you're happy to listen any time they want to talk. After a few months, gently ask them if they're thinking of trying again (don't push if they give a vague answer, but it can be nice to know that friends haven't just forgotten or ignored what you're going through.) Invite them out to dinner or movies or something fun - no need to talk about th3e adoption but just to let them be among people who love them.

[Anonymous]

This happened to a really great couple that I know. I realized that it is very much like having a still born baby. They will grieve the loss in much the same way. I think you just be supportive of them and don't belittle the loss in any way. They were bonded to the unborn child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep going. Lots of people have failed adoptions and then go on to have successful adoptions. Two months after our failed adoption, I had a newborn in my arms.

You were very lucky.

I know.

You realize telling someone what you said makes people who are not successful like you feel 1000 times worse.

I agree with this. Hearing this would have made me feel horrible. It would not have given me any hope whatsoever.