DH wants to cut ties with his family, support or no?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why a card sent a few times a year, and an occasional phone call of 10min to discuss the weather is so hard (no reason to go to any holiday dinners)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why a card sent a few times a year, and an occasional phone call of 10min to discuss the weather is so hard (no reason to go to any holiday dinners)

PP whose DH cut off his mother here. This is how I thought at first, and it is the mark of a person with a relatively normal family. What I've observed is, when your life is open to a problem family member (as notes and phone calls imply), the stress is constant because you never know when they may call or email and bring it all back up for you. The thing about cutting people off (whether you do it dramatically or just by disappearing) is then they stop taking up so much of your mental space, which is what really makes it possible for you to heal. For some, setting boundaries like you describe may work, but if OP's DH is talking cutting them off, it hasn't worked.

[Anonymous]

never know when they may call or email and bring it all back up for you

call ID, turn-off the ringer - no matter what, only call on your schedule.
block the email address, look at email every 2 weeks - or whatever - better yet, don't respond to email. Mention once to mom that you don't have time for email.

I understand the idea that this negative relationship is taking up space - but I would assert that it will be more empowering to take charge - but of course on your own terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister did this and it totally blew up our family--not just her relationships with people but everyone else's too. It even destroyed her relationship with her son when he didn't react as she had anticipated. Aunts and uncles no longer have contact with nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters no longer talk, etc. It has been one of the great sorrows of my life, as I was caught in the crossfire.

If your sister's decision to stop talking to her parents blew up the rest of the family, it sounds like there's some pretty deep dysfunction going on there, and she's not solely to blame for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support your husband. Why are you even questioning this?

I agree. Maybe you're next on the cut ties for non-support list...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why a card sent a few times a year, and an occasional phone call of 10min to discuss the weather is so hard (no reason to go to any holiday dinners)

PP whose DH cut off his mother here. This is how I thought at first, and it is the mark of a person with a relatively normal family. What I've observed is, when your life is open to a problem family member (as notes and phone calls imply), the stress is constant because you never know when they may call or email and bring it all back up for you. The thing about cutting people off (whether you do it dramatically or just by disappearing) is then they stop taking up so much of your mental space, which is what really makes it possible for you to heal. For some, setting boundaries like you describe may work, but if OP's DH is talking cutting them off, it hasn't worked.

this x infinity.

i had to do this to a sibling. they don't respect boundaries when i've made it clear that I intend to move my life forward without them. me returning a few superficial messages a year would not help the situation. for problem family members, a superficial response is like their "gateway drug" to old ways and bad, unkind habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister did this and it totally blew up our family--not just her relationships with people but everyone else's too. It even destroyed her relationship with her son when he didn't react as she had anticipated. Aunts and uncles no longer have contact with nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters no longer talk, etc. It has been one of the great sorrows of my life, as I was caught in the crossfire.

+1. My brother did this. It affected us all. I often feel like I am put in the position of choosing between my parents and him in terms of including them in our lives. As a result, I see him less often than I would otherwise. My parents are nearly 80 and likely don't have that long left, so I'm not disinviting them to Christmas so I can see my brother. Sad for the rest of us, and a terrible example for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister did this and it totally blew up our family--not just her relationships with people but everyone else's too. It even destroyed her relationship with her son when he didn't react as she had anticipated. Aunts and uncles no longer have contact with nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters no longer talk, etc. It has been one of the great sorrows of my life, as I was caught in the crossfire.

+1. My brother did this. It affected us all. I often feel like I am put in the position of choosing between my parents and him in terms of including them in our lives. As a result, I see him less often than I would otherwise. My parents are nearly 80 and likely don't have that long left, so I'm not disinviting them to Christmas so I can see my brother. Sad for the rest of us, and a terrible example for our kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard to say without having a deeper understanding of his reasoning. It's one thing to cut family off because they are doing things to hurt you and continue to overstep the boundaries you set very clearly and explicitly, so that cutting them off is the only way to keep them from continuing to hurt you. If he's cutting them off instead of doing the hard work in therapy to set those boundaries, or to accept that they're not the kind of parents he wants them to be but they have redeeming value if he can come to appreciate what they do offer and not expect anymore, he perhaps needs to do more work before making that decision.

But in the end, it's his decision to make, and unless you think he's doing harm to himself, your, your kids (if any), etc., I think it's best to be supportive and be someone he can trust to be on his team.

This is a good answer. You do need to stand back and let him make this decision himself, because it's his, and he'll have to live with the consequences within himself. He has to feel it was all his decision, whatever he does.

My husband has been in intensive therapy for a couple of years, and comes from a toxic, abusive, no-boundaries, shame-shoveling family. He's trying to learn to set boundaries and become mindful of all the buttons they push in him, but it would kill him to cut them off. I'm supportive, but it's rough, because I feel like we expend a lot of time and energy trying to undo the damage from them. We're around them a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - A daughter and SIL seem to go round and round with his parents who feel it totally appropriate to come to SIL's home and beat him down verbally every time on this and that. It is his Mother especially that has told DD that it is her right to be able to treat her son anyway she pleases as his Mother. She can't stand the fact that he married a young woman who will back him up and ask why they act this way to their only child. Time has finally come when two children are noticing the yelling even if upstairs. When the "S Drama" reaches our home via phone call from DD, it is so hard not to comment; but in most of my moments I direct them to the resources that are at hand a psychiatrist and a psychologist to guide them with professional advice. It is very hard not to pick up the phone and simply ask both of them why are they so bent on always taking down their DS or our DD?? MIL has actually told DD that she can't wait until the children are age 18 and will not have to deal with DD in relating to them. The IN-Laws love the grandchildren, but seem to dislike intensely both parents - even acting like wackos when not in their own (In-Laws Home.) Very sad all around especially for DSIL as he has to relate to our family of 11 now and my family of about 42 or so though not in immediate area.

OP my best advice is for you and DH to get and use a professional resource on how to navigate this situation or in your case to go to a session with your DH so that you understand where the therapist's advice is coming from and can understand why you would support him. I personally would like to take down those two sad folks because they are going after DD who is a post cancer survivor, dealing very successfully with a lot of work with anxiety herself, is the main breadwinner and is a good mother as Dad is a good father. Obviously, I will not.

WTH DID I JUST READ?? Write clearly!

[Anonymous]

I think it would be a good idea to do a joint therapy session. The therapist can explain why he/she thinks cutting ties is a good idea, as well as kinds of fallout/effects you might expect during the process and afterwards.

It sounds like your only objection is that "family is family," but if his family is really toxic and being with them only makes him miserable, that's not much of a counterargument. I could just as easily respond that since they are family, they have a responsibility to treat him with basic kindness and respect. Why do we put up with behavior from family that we would never tolerate from strangers or friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister did this and it totally blew up our family--not just her relationships with people but everyone else's too. It even destroyed her relationship with her son when he didn't react as she had anticipated. Aunts and uncles no longer have contact with nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters no longer talk, etc. It has been one of the great sorrows of my life, as I was caught in the crossfire.

+1. My brother did this. It affected us all. I often feel like I am put in the position of choosing between my parents and him in terms of including them in our lives. As a result, I see him less often than I would otherwise. My parents are nearly 80 and likely don't have that long left, so I'm not disinviting them to Christmas so I can see my brother. Sad for the rest of us, and a terrible example for our kids.

I think that depends on why your brother cut off your parents. If he blew it up over a minor disagreement, that's one thing. But I don't think it's a terrible example for your kids to see someone who refuses to tolerate truly toxic behavior. Parents aren't owed love and a relationship if they treat their children with unkindness and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why a card sent a few times a year, and an occasional phone call of 10min to discuss the weather is so hard (no reason to go to any holiday dinners)

You don't need to. Only the person making the safe boundary would know/understand.

I'd support him. I don't get 'family is family' people. All love is conditional at some level.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH that finally had enough of his toxic family to cut ties!

When my DW and I started dating I explained to her the broken relationship that I had with my parents. I wasn't talking to them, but I was still talking to my siblings. My DW urged me to give it another go, which I did against my better judgment!

During the time that I started speaking to my parents again, one of my siblings would inquire about things and share it with my parents. My mother would email my DW about anything that she discovered thru my siblings and complain that it was her (DW's) fault. Obviously, she was complaining to my wife that my decisions were her (DW's) fault. I supported my wife in every incident and decided it was time to stop communicating with everyone on my side of the family.

One of my siblings was going thru a separation that led to a messy divorce. I was called upon to help, as there were children involved. Once again, I sucked it up and played along.... against my better judgment!

My mother sent a vile and vicious email to my wife, apparently while she was drunk. The accusations were not only absurd, but down right mean meant to be divisive. I wasn't in the mood for any more BS, so I decided to cut off ties ~ yet AGAIN!

We ended up on better terms once again and, low and behold, my mother put the kibosh on being honest, but this time she involved our children. Once she lied to our children it was all over!

It has been several years of literally no communications between us. I can tell you that I am free of guilt, as I did my best on several occasions to reconcile, even after being wronged on so many levels. I feel liberated of the negative and toxic burden that I had poisoning me my entire life!

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives. Tell your DH that it's time to take out the trash!

[Anonymous]

....family sucks sometimes but I grew up taking my lumps no matter what. Family is family. I don't want to impose my views on his though. I'm just worried this is going to cause irreparable damage. Don't get me wrong, they are terrible people. Rude, racist, hate everything and everyone and are completely cold. But again, family is family.....

You need to go to a few therapy sessions with your DH so you can understand how his family relationships have damaged him and to get rid of your idea that 'family is family'. What drivel. Your lack of sympathy and understanding is appalling. You seem far more concerned about what's good for the 'family' than what's good for your DH. It's damage to him that you should be worried about not his 'terrible, rude, racist, hate everything/everyone family'.