DH wants to cut ties with his family, support or no?

[Anonymous]

DH started therapy recently and has had a lot of issues come up regarding his parents and sister that he has backburnered. Favoritism towards his sister being one of the main things, but other issues of neglect and him feeling like an outsider and unloved and unsupported also. He wants to cut ties with them, something his therapist fully supports. He keeps asking if I think it's unreasonable based on the fact that being around them no longer (if it did at all) makes him feel good? I am not sure how to respond, family sucks sometimes but I grew up taking my lumps no matter what. Family is family. I don't want to impose my views on his though. I'm just worried this is going to cause irreparable damage. Don't get me wrong, they are terrible people. Rude, racist, hate everything and everyone and are completely cold. But again, family is family. I'm worried this is gonna topple on me since my husband wants to cut them out but not talk to them about the issues. Anyone else have DH say no more? I want to support him but I also would prefer he try to repair not shield himself for protection.

[Anonymous]

My DH cut off his mother. He's never been so happy.

He's your husband. Your responsibility is to him and his happiness and health. Don't impose your own standards on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH cut off his mother. He's never been so happy.

He's your husband. Your responsibility is to him and his happiness and health. Don't impose your own standards on that.

Agree with this completely. If he's sick of sucking it up and it would make him happier, it's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

"Family is family" means nothing. That's like saying someone is a father just because it's their sperm. No. Father is a verb, not just a noun. If you're not putting in the effort, then you're only in the noun category and no loyalty is necessary.

Support him.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard to say without having a deeper understanding of his reasoning. It's one thing to cut family off because they are doing things to hurt you and continue to overstep the boundaries you set very clearly and explicitly, so that cutting them off is the only way to keep them from continuing to hurt you. If he's cutting them off instead of doing the hard work in therapy to set those boundaries, or to accept that they're not the kind of parents he wants them to be but they have redeeming value if he can come to appreciate what they do offer and not expect anymore, he perhaps needs to do more work before making that decision.

But in the end, it's his decision to make, and unless you think he's doing harm to himself, your, your kids (if any), etc., I think it's best to be supportive and be someone he can trust to be on his team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard to say without having a deeper understanding of his reasoning. It's one thing to cut family off because they are doing things to hurt you and continue to overstep the boundaries you set very clearly and explicitly, so that cutting them off is the only way to keep them from continuing to hurt you. If he's cutting them off instead of doing the hard work in therapy to set those boundaries, or to accept that they're not the kind of parents he wants them to be but they have redeeming value if he can come to appreciate what they do offer and not expect anymore, he perhaps needs to do more work before making that decision.

But in the end, it's his decision to make, and unless you think he's doing harm to himself, your, your kids (if any), etc., I think it's best to be supportive and be someone he can trust to be on his team.

I forgot address the part where you said you're afraid it will topple on you -- do you mean that your in-laws will blame you for the estrangement and/or in some way take it out on you specifically? If they do that, I do think your husband has an obligation to own his decision and make clear to them that it's decision, and his decision alone. He can't make you the fall guy, even through inaction.

[Anonymous]

OP - A daughter and SIL seem to go round and round with his parents who feel it totally appropriate to come to SIL's home and beat him down verbally every time on this and that. It is his Mother especially that has told DD that it is her right to be able to treat her son anyway she pleases as his Mother. She can't stand the fact that he married a young woman who will back him up and ask why they act this way to their only child. Time has finally come when two children are noticing the yelling even if upstairs. When the "S Drama" reaches our home via phone call from DD, it is so hard not to comment; but in most of my moments I direct them to the resources that are at hand a psychiatrist and a psychologist to guide them with professional advice. It is very hard not to pick up the phone and simply ask both of them why are they so bent on always taking down their DS or our DD?? MIL has actually told DD that she can't wait until the children are age 18 and will not have to deal with DD in relating to them. The IN-Laws love the grandchildren, but seem to dislike intensely both parents - even acting like wackos when not in their own (In-Laws Home.) Very sad all around especially for DSIL as he has to relate to our family of 11 now and my family of about 42 or so though not in immediate area.

OP my best advice is for you and DH to get and use a professional resource on how to navigate this situation or in your case to go to a session with your DH so that you understand where the therapist's advice is coming from and can understand why you would support him. I personally would like to take down those two sad folks because they are going after DD who is a post cancer survivor, dealing very successfully with a lot of work with anxiety herself, is the main breadwinner and is a good mother as Dad is a good father. Obviously, I will not.

[Anonymous]

If he can withdraw and just keep it to exchanging annual Christmas cards, then I think that's less awkward and always preferable to having a grand finale tell-off in which you announce that you're cutting the other person. I think quietly backing out of the relationship leaves the door open for less dramatic funerals and the like where you're going to run into these people.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you have a session with DH's therapist to talk through some of your issues and questions about it? One solo, one with both you and DH? I think that might help.

It is ultimately DH's family--I would follow his lead.

[Anonymous]

I would support whatever your DH decides. My DH's family is full of drama that has been rubbing off negatively on us and especially DH. He has cut of his sibiling and our quality of life has improved since. We still get some of the drama from ILs but things are def. better...for now.

[Anonymous]

My sister did this and it totally blew up our family--not just her relationships with people but everyone else's too. It even destroyed her relationship with her son when he didn't react as she had anticipated. Aunts and uncles no longer have contact with nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters no longer talk, etc. It has been one of the great sorrows of my life, as I was caught in the crossfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he can withdraw and just keep it to exchanging annual Christmas cards, then I think that's less awkward and always preferable to having a grand finale tell-off in which you announce that you're cutting the other person. I think quietly backing out of the relationship leaves the door open for less dramatic funerals and the like where you're going to run into these people.

Yes, the important thing is to get some distance but once your dh does that he may eventually feel strong enough to engage with his family on his terms. Get the distance but don't burn bridges. Maybe he'll never want to go back but that could change eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he can withdraw and just keep it to exchanging annual Christmas cards, then I think that's less awkward and always preferable to having a grand finale tell-off in which you announce that you're cutting the other person. I think quietly backing out of the relationship leaves the door open for less dramatic funerals and the like where you're going to run into these people.

I agree with this. It seems, well, dramatic to cut off ties, and isn't that what he is trying to get away from?
My sister cut off my father, to end the drama, and it has increased ten fold since no one else cut him off.

Weddings, funerals, holidays, all the talk about "is she coming?" "Is he coming" all the conversations among relatives and phone calls to figure out who is going to be where. It is really hard to cut off parents when there are brothers and sister, cousins, aunts and uncles still in the picture.

If his siblings die, can he go to the funeral? Or if his cousins daughter is terminally ill with cancer and there is a benefit, can he go? There is a 95th birthday blow out for Grandma, how do you deal with that?

Do you have children who have or will have cousins who will still talk to their grandparents? How are these children at 6 and 7 years old going to be explained the situation?

These are all examples of issues that come up with my sister who cut off my father. It has made it a huge burden on the rest of us, and increased the drama and interaction for her more than if she simply sent school pictures and smiles through Christmas dinner.

[Anonymous]

Support your husband. Why are you even questioning this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH cut off his mother. He's never been so happy.

He's your husband. Your responsibility is to him and his happiness and health. Don't impose your own standards on that.

Agree with this completely. If he's sick of sucking it up and it would make him happier, it's the right thing to do.

I agree.