Breadwinner -- Dinnertime and weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you can compare any situation. My husband has a stable 40 hour a week job where he has to be on site but can flex his hours if needed most of the time. He is home for dinner and does not bring work home (per his job).

How do afford expensive housing on single earner with basic 40 hr job? Is he specialized talent and demands $$$$ for few hours?

[Anonymous]

DH is usually home by 6:00pm for dinner. He has a somewhat flexible job- so he is able to go to IEP meetings and then go to work. In crunch times, he will work late once a week. He can do work from home. His commute just changed for the better and he is now only 4 miles away. Love it.

He has ebbed and flowed with travel. He is in a flow right now and has average one trip a month to the west coast.

Having a woh/sah working partnership has been beneficial for our family because of some special circumstances. For us, dual wohp was more natural and ran well and I would have preferred for that to continue. I worked a 40 hour job that was rare for travel and overtime. DH's job has become more flexible as time passes. However, we make do with what choices and options we had available.

My suggestion is that you save your entire post tax salary plus 10% of your DH's for at least six months before you quit. That way you can see if you are able to do it financially and you will have a nice nest egg. You should also be able to contribute to both your retirements and children's college funds- otherwise it may not be financially feasible- unless something more important is driving a partner's staying at home. There is a learning curve to SAH, at least there was one for me. It took years to get into the cadence- which is different.


Why this works for DH and I:
We are naturally frugal people.
We saved my post tax salary from the moment I moved in when we were engaged, so we were used to the budget.
We have been able to keep up with retirement and college savings.
We treat each other as equal partners and money is "ours", not yours/mine- we make money decisions together.
We are partners in raising our children.
We make sure our relationship stays current and go on dates.
We work together. Everyone pitches in- laundry, cleaning, yard care.
We have an every other week house cleaner.
We both think that the other has the worse deal (most days).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is usually home by 6:00pm for dinner. He has a somewhat flexible job- so he is able to go to IEP meetings and then go to work. In crunch times, he will work late once a week. He can do work from home. His commute just changed for the better and he is now only 4 miles away. Love it.

He has ebbed and flowed with travel. He is in a flow right now and has average one trip a month to the west coast.

Having a woh/sah working partnership has been beneficial for our family because of some special circumstances. For us, dual wohp was more natural and ran well and I would have preferred for that to continue. I worked a 40 hour job that was rare for travel and overtime. DH's job has become more flexible as time passes. However, we make do with what choices and options we had available.

My suggestion is that you save your entire post tax salary plus 10% of your DH's for at least six months before you quit. That way you can see if you are able to do it financially and you will have a nice nest egg. You should also be able to contribute to both your retirements and children's college funds- otherwise it may not be financially feasible- unless something more important is driving a partner's staying at home. There is a learning curve to SAH, at least there was one for me. It took years to get into the cadence- which is different.


Why this works for DH and I:
We are naturally frugal people.
We saved my post tax salary from the moment I moved in when we were engaged, so we were used to the budget.
We have been able to keep up with retirement and college savings.
We treat each other as equal partners and money is "ours", not yours/mine- we make money decisions together.
We are partners in raising our children.
We make sure our relationship stays current and go on dates.
We work together. Everyone pitches in- laundry, cleaning, yard care.
We have an every other week house cleaner.
We both think that the other has the worse deal (most days).

We are similar in that we tend to be frugal and neither of us consider money as anything but ours, but we would definitely be living much leaner on one income even though there is a chance for growth and advancement with this new position. For the sharing of chores will be very problematic if DH is working 80 hour work weeks and weekends. The idea would be when he is home it is to have family time with the kids not help with laundry or chores. But we do worry if that will cause resentment. Plus there's just a lot less time with the kids. but one of us has to stay home which is the whole point.

[Anonymous]

So it's either demanding job with SAHM or 2 WOHP with steady jobs. Are there any SAHM happy with the hard driving breadwinner husband doing his best to provide for them or does the absence just cause too much resentment?

Ding ding ding. This was my slow, but sudden realization when my fed. husband went back into biglaw and I jumped at the chance to be a SAHM (I was pregnant with our second). It was the wrong decision because it threw our whole relationship dynamic out of sync. I was lonely and felt like he didn't do enough and wasn't around enough. He was insanely stressed out. We went from being a dual fed to having what felt like a ton of money, but no time. I outsourced everything and began to feel completely useless and resentful. He was resentful because he was exhausted. We were literally at the brink of divorce but therapy led us to the conclusion that the choice we made was the first spark that was burning our marriage down. He went in house. I went back to work. And we found a balance. A lot of people can do the SAHM thing while the DH works crazy hours. I thought being home would be this amazing thing, but for me, it really put a huge wedge in my marriage and personal sanity. YMMV

[Anonymous]

WOHM with SAHD here. I'm a fed and home by 5:45 daily. Money is tight and we can't get ahead in this area on just one fed salary. Your plan sounds risky OP.

[Anonymous]

Aren't there are a bunch of stay at home moms on this board with husbands and big law making millions? Are they all home by six? Or they just out at the yoga studio right now too happy to to comment?

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. You have a great situation.

[Anonymous]

This is really a personal decision. Some of the pp's offered good advice about the financial end of things but I have older kids -- here is some of what happened on the emotional end.

The first 10 years of building a career (in DH's case in finance) were difficult with long hours and weekend work. On average, we did not see DH three nights a week during this time either because he was traveling or because he was home too late. There is no doubt that my kids suffered, especially as they moved into elementary school and realized that dad wasn't there for dinner or often for bedtime. One of our kids really did not adjust to this well at all. It is true that this is time that DH won't get back.

After about 10 years things leveled off and now we have both the high income and the better hours. That is really a nice place to be at age 50 since we have college and our retirement fully funded. At this point, we are much less stressed than many of our friends but in our 30's we were way more stressed.

Neither of us would have been happy with 40 hours a week jobs -- we are both risk takers. That is the part that is so personal. We are lucky that it turned out relatively well.

One last thing, I hired a sitter for many, many years. It helped keep my sanity after I quit my job. I also developed a lot of non-work interests and volunteer in the community (not in my kids' schools).

[Anonymous]

One other wrinkle, is that it allows us to leave DC for a nicer part of the country where we want to live. But not sure if this is too disruptive a change at this point with young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really a personal decision. Some of the pp's offered good advice about the financial end of things but I have older kids -- here is some of what happened on the emotional end.

The first 10 years of building a career (in DH's case in finance) were difficult with long hours and weekend work. On average, we did not see DH three nights a week during this time either because he was traveling or because he was home too late. There is no doubt that my kids suffered, especially as they moved into elementary school and realized that dad wasn't there for dinner or often for bedtime. One of our kids really did not adjust to this well at all. It is true that this is time that DH won't get back.

After about 10 years things leveled off and now we have both the high income and the better hours. That is really a nice place to be at age 50 since we have college and our retirement fully funded. At this point, we are much less stressed than many of our friends but in our 30's we were way more stressed.

Neither of us would have been happy with 40 hours a week jobs -- we are both risk takers. That is the part that is so personal. We are lucky that it turned out relatively well.

One last thing, I hired a sitter for many, many years. It helped keep my sanity after I quit my job. I also developed a lot of non-work interests and volunteer in the community (not in my kids' schools).

How risky was your husband's job? What was your fallback plan? We are not risk takers but this is a big opportunity so we're trying to see how to hedge that risk and make sure we make it through it OK.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM to a toddler (and resigned from my job a month before birth), and I have no plans to go back to work full-time (but would love to work part-time when child is in kindergarten).

My DH works crazy hours. He's at work by 6 am and does 12 hour days usually. Three days per week he is home after toddler's bedtime. He also works a few weekends per month. He can't take any sick days last minute so my working full-time would be difficult, because all sick or snow days would be on me, unless we found a backup sitter.

However, I feel like when he is home he is a very involved father. The second he walks in the door he takes over parenting for the rest of the evening. And on weekends he is home he shares all parenting duties with me so I can have a break. For instance, he might take toddler out to the park for the morning so I can have some time to myself.

We've been married a long time (15 years) so I am used to his crazy hours and schedule, and honestly I was a lot more lonely pre-baby, because I didn't have much to do on those late nights and weekends he was working. Now I have my toddler to take care of, so I'm more exhausted than lonely.

We have no local family and no childcare help. The days staying at home are very long. But overall I am content with how things are. DH's hours will never change, they will always remain the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a personal decision. Some of the pp's offered good advice about the financial end of things but I have older kids -- here is some of what happened on the emotional end.

The first 10 years of building a career (in DH's case in finance) were difficult with long hours and weekend work. On average, we did not see DH three nights a week during this time either because he was traveling or because he was home too late. There is no doubt that my kids suffered, especially as they moved into elementary school and realized that dad wasn't there for dinner or often for bedtime. One of our kids really did not adjust to this well at all. It is true that this is time that DH won't get back.

After about 10 years things leveled off and now we have both the high income and the better hours. That is really a nice place to be at age 50 since we have college and our retirement fully funded. At this point, we are much less stressed than many of our friends but in our 30's we were way more stressed.

Neither of us would have been happy with 40 hours a week jobs -- we are both risk takers. That is the part that is so personal. We are lucky that it turned out relatively well.

One last thing, I hired a sitter for many, many years. It helped keep my sanity after I quit my job. I also developed a lot of non-work interests and volunteer in the community (not in my kids' schools).

How risky was your husband's job? What was your fallback plan? We are not risk takers but this is a big opportunity so we're trying to see how to hedge that risk and make sure we make it through it OK.

I don't think we had a fallback plan! However, we both have good skill sets and graduate degrees. For the first 10 years after getting those degrees, we both felt pretty employable, and we were able to make mistakes with various jobs and recover -- even with small kids at home. I think that age matters; it is easier to take risks when you are younger and have more options for employment. If the thought of losing a job is going to keep you up at night, it might not be worth it.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, we both work full time. I (DW) have the longer commute and DH has longer hours. He always cooks dinner (I do it once, maybe twice a week). I get home after dinner about twice a week. There are probably two nights a week I don't see the kids at night. We have a nanny to avoid rushing the kids out of the house in the mornings or rushing to fetch them at some certain time in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you can compare any situation. My husband has a stable 40 hour a week job where he has to be on site but can flex his hours if needed most of the time. He is home for dinner and does not bring work home (per his job).

How do afford expensive housing on single earner with basic 40 hr job? Is he specialized talent and demands $$$$ for few hours?

A lot of people out by us have this setup. The DH makes $175-$225 in a 40/hr week job (finance, IT, in-house legal) and they can afford a $600-$800k house in a western Fairfax/eastern Loudoun suburb. Very very common around us. The husbands all work in Reston/Herndon/tysons/Chantilly.

OP my DH is gone 8:45-6:15 (works 9-6 with a 15m commute) and very rarely travels, occasionally responds to quick work emails on his phone, but not a lot.

[Anonymous]

I find the inconsistency the most difficult. My husband is in hospitality so it's not much work after hours but sometimes he works weekends, so nights are really late, some very early mornings. It's hard for my toddler to have a consistent schedule and see his dad enough. I'd go back to work in a heartbeat if we both could have traditional 9-5ish schecules