discussing private school tuition with stepparent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private schools are a waste of money.

Does he have kids that aren't yours? Did he pay for them to go to private school?

Fairly bold an stereotypical statement.

Some are and some aren't worth it. It always facinates me the number of parents at my sons school who leave thinking it isn't worth it and the next year are back.

It is student and family need dependent.

In your experience, what particular family or student needs make public school inadequate enough to justify the expense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should be just another discussion. He knew you had kids when he married you. It comes with the territory. He may have married you but he took on a family.

+100000

Discuss it the same way you would discuss paying for the schooling of a biological child. You're a unit now, not two camps.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't you have discussed this through the application process?
Are you talking about this coming year, as in 6 weeks from now?
Didn't he know you were applying?

[Anonymous]

I know 2 blended families with prenups that specify that the stepparent will not contribute to dc's tuition.

[Anonymous]

This advice all assumes it's affordable, even if budget priorities have to be changed:

My husband had his two kids in private school when we met. I knew it was important to him. He wanted whatever kids we had together to go to private school, too. I live in a W cluster. I'm fine with the public schools.

But his commitment to his kids' education is very important to him, and not something to be taken lightly.

And I knew that marrying a man with kids meant I wasn't going to be living the "high life" that we may have achieved without kids, or with fewer kids.

So I live in a crummy townhouse in the burbs. Not my perfect living arrangement. But I've got a kid and stepkids who are flourishing, and a happy husband. And at the end of the day, I like that more than I like a house with a better floor plan.

I hope that if I felt as strongly about something, my husband would take my wishes seriously as well.

In blended families, both you and your husband will come out on the losing-end of some big disagreements about kids. And it will hurt. Badly sometimes. But try to look at the bigger picture. I feel like I'm a huge winner overall because I have a husband who walks the walk when it comes to the welfare of his kids. All his kids. I may not agree with all the choices. I definitely "don't" agree with all the choices. But I couldn't sleep at night if DH just sat back in apathy about his children's welfare.

And FWIW, he's taking a "lifestyle" hit, too. He doesn't care about what house we may live in, but I know he's not thrilled to be driving his beater car into the ground. It would be much more difficult to live with such a huge amount of cash going to private school if he insisted on the Lexus he really wants, as well.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks folks for your replies. I know my husband will support me sending kids to private school, but know it will also be a financial strain and don't want us to feel resentment downstream..... I also feel guilty as I went to public school, myself, and feel guilty leaving the system for private...

[Anonymous]

My view of the trend toward private schools is similar to my view of the trend toward travel sports. They aren't worth the cost. Take the money you would spend on both, keep the kids in public school and rec sports, invest that money, and hand it over to the kid when he or she graduates from a state college. They'll be in better shape.

But, parents just feel such overwhelming anxiety that they worry desperately about whether they are giving their kids the best possible chance. That anxiety combines with social pressure and snake oil to separate families from their money, making them miserable, overworked, overscheduled, and stretched financially thin.

[Anonymous]

This financial burden is for you and the children's father to bear alone. If you both agree the children need to go to private school, the cost should be split in proportion to the support you each provide. If you do not feel you can afford that portion AND contribute the same way to the bills with your new husband, then you cannot afford it.

Yes he knew you had kids when you met, but adding a new financial burden on him, because of a decision you and the father of your children made is simply not right. He may agree now but will resent it later.

Also this should have been discussed with your husband BEFORE you applied to the private schools. These are not his children and he is not financially responsible for them. His quality of life should not change for a decision he has no control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks folks for your replies. I know my husband will support me sending kids to private school, but know it will also be a financial strain and don't want us to feel resentment downstream..... I also feel guilty as I went to public school, myself, and feel guilty leaving the system for private...

I'm a woman, and if I had to eat ramen because my stepchild is being sent to a private school, when there's a perfectly viable public school alternative, I would 100% resent this. Maybe not in the beginning, but eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private schools are a waste of money.

Does he have kids that aren't yours? Did he pay for them to go to private school?

Fairly bold an stereotypical statement.

Some are and some aren't worth it. It always facinates me the number of parents at my sons school who leave thinking it isn't worth it and the next year are back.

It is student and family need dependent.

In your experience, what particular family or student needs make public school inadequate enough to justify the expense?

My main point of this was that kids have different learning styles, depending on where you are public schools may not be as adaptable to your child's needs. Every family has different needs and depending on where you live and what you want for your child those needs may not be met by a public school or private school. Public schools frequently teach every student at the pace/rate and every kid does not learn at the same pace or rate.

It also give us more flexibility with travel. Teachers develop projects for our son while traveling that keep him on pace with kids in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks folks for your replies. I know my husband will support me sending kids to private school, but know it will also be a financial strain and don't want us to feel resentment downstream..... I also feel guilty as I went to public school, myself, and feel guilty leaving the system for private...

I'm a woman, and if I had to eat ramen because my stepchild is being sent to a private school, when there's a perfectly viable public school alternative, I would 100% resent this. Maybe not in the beginning, but eventually.

New poster - I 100% would resent it and it would become a huge issue. I am also a teacher who has taught in both public and private schools - depending on what special needs your children have, often public have more resources for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks folks for your replies. I know my husband will support me sending kids to private school, but know it will also be a financial strain and don't want us to feel resentment downstream..... I also feel guilty as I went to public school, myself, and feel guilty leaving the system for private...

I'm a woman, and if I had to eat ramen because my stepchild is being sent to a private school, when there's a perfectly viable public school alternative, I would 100% resent this. Maybe not in the beginning, but eventually.

I don't think this is ramen level. Maybe it's "pack lunch daily and only one vacation a year" level. Not that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks folks for your replies. I know my husband will support me sending kids to private school, but know it will also be a financial strain and don't want us to feel resentment downstream..... I also feel guilty as I went to public school, myself, and feel guilty leaving the system for private...

I'm a woman, and if I had to eat ramen because my stepchild is being sent to a private school, when there's a perfectly viable public school alternative, I would 100% resent this. Maybe not in the beginning, but eventually.

New poster - I 100% would resent it and it would become a huge issue. I am also a teacher who has taught in both public and private schools - depending on what special needs your children have, often public have more resources for them.

Stepchild here. You all suck. You married your spouses and as a result you should act like parents. Disagree that your household can support private tuition, thats cool. Disagree that private schools are worth the money, fine. But all children in the house should be treated equally by both parents, step or bio. I have no respect for anyone who takes on stepchildren without this mindset because its unbelievably damaging. My stepfather treated me just like his own kid from day one, financially and emotionally and it made him a dad instead of my mom's husband.

FWIW I also think that if you want to send one set of kids to private school with money from the bio parents, you (the bio+step) should figure out a way to do it for any bio kids you have of your OWN. Things should be equal among siblings, they didn't choose to be stuck in this merry go round of finance fights that you adults stepped into. Love children equally, treat children equally, don't be a dick.

[Anonymous]

To the stepchild above - it is less about treating them as our own and more about family finances. I would be livid if my husband and his first wife made a huge financial decision that I was not included in. And as you mentioned - all children should be treated equally in the house and if we decided private tuition didn't work for us yet ex wife insists, it would cause problems and resentment. Not necessarily towards the child - but the fact that the ex wife has so much say in our finances. My husband and I have had several conversations about keeping his ex wife happy vs keeping his current wife happy. ( when my SD would be happy no matter what)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This financial burden is for you and the children's father to bear alone. If you both agree the children need to go to private school, the cost should be split in proportion to the support you each provide. If you do not feel you can afford that portion AND contribute the same way to the bills with your new husband, then you cannot afford it.

Yes he knew you had kids when you met, but adding a new financial burden on him, because of a decision you and the father of your children made is simply not right. He may agree now but will resent it later.

Also this should have been discussed with your husband BEFORE you applied to the private schools. These are not his children and he is not financially responsible for them. His quality of life should not change for a decision he has no control over.

I'm not the OP. I am, however, divorced and remarried, with a child from my first marriage. Her dad and I have discussed private school down the road. Right now we are fine with public.

Regarding the statement that I bolded, I am not really sure how this would be accomplished - in my family or any other family where married couples share the same bank account. I do not know how to insulate my husband from my daughter's hypothetical private school tuition, since my paychecks and his paychecks go into the same account, which we then use to pay the expenses of our family, including school expenses.

It's a moot point, frankly. My husband would never in a million years say "This is not my child and I'm not financially responsible for her" because he is not an asshole.