Reply to Spouse IMing work colleagues into the evening

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[quote=Anonymous]Sooooo.... yeah. This is worth checking out.  If it's actually happening, it's odd behavior. It's also certainly true that perhaps you've just misjudged or perceived his behavior.  Either way, you already have an alarm bell in your head so why not pursue it a little? Sad to say, I generally think most of us who have been in long-term relationships know the other person well enough that we can feel when things are a little off. If I were you, I'd investigate it. There are more than a few points in my life where I wish I had trusted my gut.  I know this isn't the "morally upright" thing to do, but after having been cheated on and lied to by two long-term significant others, I'd just rather get to the facts so I can deal with them and skip the pain and frustration of the "I know you're cheating but since I asked you about it, you've just gotten better at hiding it" nonsense.  Besides... Let's be honest... how many of you, if you were flirting with a co-worker on IM (innocently you tell yourself) and your spouse walks by and says "hey--I notice you shut your IM down every time I walk by. It makes me think you're IM'ing inappropriately. Are you doing something inappropriate?" would fess up???  REALLY?

So people can flame me all I want, but I say you look at his IM conversations as soon as possible and at a couple of different times. (Unless you know your husband is dealing with highly privileged, confidential information that you are criminally forbidden from viewing...as in top security clearance shit... there is no reason you can't look at it.) Maybe he's doing absolutely nothing and you've just saved your marriage from the bizarre, uncomfortable and likely argument-inducing conversation where you ask him what he's writing and he says nothing and you don't believe him and he knows that and is upset by it. Or maybe he's writing some vaguely flirty stuff that he shouldn't be writing but which, after taking some time to breathe, you can address with him before it gets too out of hand.  Or maybe he's in the middle of a full-blown emotional affair, which is incredibly damaging to a marriage but likely survivable.  Or maybe it's a physical affair as well (which is also survivable for some).  I truly wish we all fell in love with people who didn't pull this stupid flirting with other people shit, or with people who would leave before they cheat. I truly wish we all fell in love with people who, when confronted with shifty behavior in a rational way would just respond truthfully and with equivalent rationality.  But we don't.  Not all of us, anyway. [/quote]

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