Deciding to have a second child
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Anonymous
| OP: what is your support network and financial situation? You say you're underslept with a 2 yo. Can you get Grandmother to help out or hire a sitter/nanny/housecleaner? If you're superstrained with no support, then for the sake of yourself and your marriage - no. Being divorced with 2 kids sucks. |
Anonymous
This, but I wanted DS potty trained before having a second because we do cloth diapers and I didn't want to buy a second set. Also, I wanted to be done nursing. I actually hadn't stopped nursing but did shortly after. Glad we waited because I think DS will be a great big brother, and will be just under 3.5 years old when DC2 is born. Last, I kind of wanted to complete the big boy bed transition and have DS1 be just a little bit more independent by then. Also, we had quit actively trying because life was stressing us out with lots of potential changes, and wouldn't you know that's when we got pregnant. 
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Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer some PPs questions...we both work full time. DD goes to daycare. We have supportive family but they live a few hours away, so not available on a daily or quick notice. And yes, we are sleep deprived...in the way I assume most parents of toddler's are sleep deprived. DD is a lot of fun now and I would say we are not necessarily more stressed than any other busy family. I guess it's more thinking about the newborn days - they were a really TOUGH transition for us. Looking back, I thought I was busy and sleep deprived before I had a kid and now I can't imagine that I ever thought that . I think that's probably normal, but now, in thinking about adding a second to the mix - and going through all that again - it's just hard to imagine where there is extra time, energy, and attention for a second. But there are fun things too that I get excited in thinking about. IF we got pregnant immediately, DD would be just shy of 3 when the new baby arrived. But of course, no guarantees that it would happen right away as others have noted, and that biological clock keeps on ticking...
Of course everyone is right that it's a personal decision - but it helps to hear perspectives on the spacing and how much added chaos it really is. |
Anonymous
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Like others have noted, there is really no right or wrong here. Everyone I know who has been on the fence but decided to go for a 2nd has never regretted it at all. And, those who decided to just have 1 are also extremely happy and don't think about the what ifs (other than the couple friends I have who were forced to be one and done by circumstance like infertility).
The one thing I think everyone agrees on is that the first year is hard, whether your older DC is 2, 3, 4 or older. It's another adjustment but you will get through it. |
Anonymous
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I'm in the same boat as the OP so following this thread with interest. My DS will be 3 next month. We are at such a sweet spot--yeah, he's a toddler and has "toddler" days, but he is so much fun, he's potty trained, he's a great eater and sleeper, and I just love spending time with him. It's going to be really hard to go back to everything being "work" again--nursing and sleep and etc etc etc.
I'm also totally reluctant to be pregnant again. I hated pregnancy. I know it's for a finite time but it's really hard to make myself take the jump to actively seeking to get pregnant when I know I dislike being pregnant. Still, I remember lots of sweet, happy times on maternity leave with my DS, long walks every afternoon, watching him grow...and think, 'Yeah, we could do it again." Another concern (not totally rational) I have is that I feel like we got so lucky with a healthy, fairly easy, NT child that we couldn't possibly get so lucky again and I'm scared of how we'd handle a child with health concerns or special needs. I know this isn't rational, but it worries me. If we decide to go for #2, we're going to have to just make a leap of faith, I think. And our age gap would be morel like almost 4 to almost 5 years apart. |
Anonymous
| I'm a SAHM so my perspective is a little different as I have two under 3 at home with me right now. If your oldest is in daycare and you can keep her there during your maternity leave so you only have the baby at home with you - amazing. Much more doable. Also, I think gaps of 3plus are much easier than the shorter gaps. Mine are 2 years apart exactly and it's been tough. But, oldest starts morning preschool in Sept so it will feel easier at that point. We wanted our children close in age and knew it would be tough in the beginning. I think aiming for a 3 year difference will be easier and everything I've read says it's the "ideal". It certainly won't be easy and your partner will have to chip in more - it will be a lot more dividing and conquering in the beginning. It's hard at first because you're like ball and chain with the new baby and it's an adjustment to have to give less attention to your eldest - but I keep reminding myself it's the best gift I can give him in the long run. |
Anonymous
| I actually think that shorter gaps are easier, though it all depends on your outlook. Personally I like having kids with similar needs/stages etc. We had our three very close together on purpose and love it. Don't read about other families experiences ~ They mean nothing to you. You are over thinking it. People have been having multi children families since the dawn of time. You can too, if and when you are ready. You will know when you are ready because you will long for another baby. It really is just that simple. Good luck |
Anonymous
This is almost exactly me -- except that I didn't mind pregnant with #1 but hated much of the first year because of the sleep deprivation, lots of reflux issues, etc. I got pregnant with #2 the same month that #1 turned 3 and am expecting now. THIS time the pregnancy IS really hard, which is something I hadn't contemplated much because the first was so easy. I know it's only a relative "short" time period, but gosh, I am definitely feeling the pain as a result! It's hard having a tough pregnancy and an older child to deal with. As for your concerns about the health of a second baby, I hear this all the way. I had a lot of anxiety issues that popped up after #1 was born -- fears that he had autism, CP, etc. Some was fueled by real experiences and the responses of doctors (a few of them overly alarmist), but most of it was fairly irrational postpartum stuff. He's now 3 and totally healthy, NT, etc. But I definitely have this concern with #2 -- that we got so lucky with #1, so why "risk" it? Ultimately, I know that this is my own anxiety talking and that it will work out. If #2 has health problems or isn't NT, etc., we will deal with it just like we would have if #1 had. It's a risk you always take, but choosing not to have another is also a risk if it's what you want and what you believe is right for your family. Good luck with your decision! I just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. |
Anonymous
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1 and 3 year old here.
My older DD is STILL not a sleeper. She was a horrific sleeper and was a focused kid. I love her but sleeping isn't her thing. Early riser. I haven't had to wake her up, ever. My son is easier but still hard. Last fall during the Ebola crisis, I didn't wish for Ebola but I happily would have taken a quarantine. I was that tired. But he is actually a much better sleeper and they are buds and life is good. |
Anonymous
So how do you know exactly that spacing them close together is easier if you've never experienced a larger gap? People have had multi-children families in very different circumstances than many of us have them today - often with ample extended family support and often with one parent full-time at home. And let's be honest, women didn't have birth control. There weren't a lot of options other than multi-children families for many women for a long time. I have 3 too, but it rubs me the wrong way to imply that everyone can just do it and figure it out and it's all super easy and people are overthinking things. I couldn't disagree more. I can't think of a decision to think about more than whether or not to bring another human being into the world and your family and your marriage. |
Anonymous
Most of us are the children of parents who had access to birth control, don't you think? At least those who are having kids now? I was born in 1980, my sister in 1982, and you can be sure my mom was on birth control for the 11 years she was married before she got pregnant. She did not want kids at all for the first decade of her marriage. My cousins who were born in the late 60s and early 70s also were in two and three-kid families. I doubt that was by accident. Birth control was available. |
Anonymous
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My kids are 5 years apart in part because it took me that long to muster energy for the second. BUT, I loved having the second - I found the transition from 1 to 2 pretty unnoticeable, especially when compared to going from 0 to 1. The first one was a huge culture shock to our peripatetic lifestyle, with the second, we already lived a child-friendly life, plus I knew what I was doing and so less stressed.
In my case, the age difference really helped - DC1 is self-sufficient so I don't expend as much energy as I would have had to if they were closer in age. |
Anonymous
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PP here about the close gap. Well obviously I don't have personal experience in long gaps- other than my family of origin- and three of us were 9 years apart because my mom suffered 3 miscarriages in between pregnancies. We were all in very different phases, my parents were in different worlds with each of us, and we aren't close. I also have several friends who suffered from secondary infertility- they are having their second infant now while we are off on ski vacations or dude ranch excursions with all three kids. I was 34 with my third they were 39. They feel more tired- they feel like they "forgot" how hard a baby was, their older child has been a singleton for 5 years and is going bonkers at not having all the attention. All sorts of different issues. People who waited too long and experienced secondary infertility then waited years longer than planned.
I'm not saying what I liked is what you have to like. I'm simply saying that I liked it. I stayed at home with them- and I loved it. They are best friends, share friends, all ride the bus together (or will this coming year when the youngest enters k) and it's awesome. I got to have a great career then have kids before I hit AMA- it worked well for many reasons. If that doesn't sound good to you? Easy! Don't do it. |
Anonymous
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here's the way i see the tradeoff--have two very close in age and a third a few years behind them.
If you have them close together, it will be harder at the start because the toddler/infant combo is a lot of work BUT it will be a little easier once you hit 2/3 with the younger one. A 3 and 5 year old can play together easily and that takes a huge load off you. a 3 and 8year old have a lot less in common which means the 3 year old will more often be looking to you to entertain him/her. Also kids only 1-2 years apart are more likely to be at the same stage of life, so you'll have longer where you are only doing ONE drop off--day care or school not daycare AND school. Also more likely to be able to bring them both to swimming, gymnastics, whatever. |
Anonymous
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My boys are 7 and 9.5 and get along fantastically. They have so much fun together and rarely fight. Vacations are great because they have a built in playmate. I lucked out that their personalities mesh well and they are so well-behaved. We eat out a lot and they have always been great at restaurants and on long trips.
They go to the same camps and have a lot of friends in common. There is just one school grade between them. The age spread (2.5 yrs) has been perfect. First few years weren't so bad---but it is so easy at their current ages. |