Deciding to have a second child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat as the OP so following this thread with interest. My DS will be 3 next month. We are at such a sweet spot--yeah, he's a toddler and has "toddler" days, but he is so much fun, he's potty trained, he's a great eater and sleeper, and I just love spending time with him. It's going to be really hard to go back to everything being "work" again--nursing and sleep and etc etc etc.

I'm also totally reluctant to be pregnant again. I hated pregnancy. I know it's for a finite time but it's really hard to make myself take the jump to actively seeking to get pregnant when I know I dislike being pregnant. Still, I remember lots of sweet, happy times on maternity leave with my DS, long walks every afternoon, watching him grow...and think, 'Yeah, we could do it again."

Another concern (not totally rational) I have is that I feel like we got so lucky with a healthy, fairly easy, NT child that we couldn't possibly get so lucky again and I'm scared of how we'd handle a child with health concerns or special needs. I know this isn't rational, but it worries me.

If we decide to go for #2, we're going to have to just make a leap of faith, I think. And our age gap would be morel like almost 4 to almost 5 years apart.

Me too. But with DC1 almost 4 now.

[Anonymous]

Agree totally on above post. The newborn days were NOT fun for us. I know some people get lucky and love them but we did not. Nor did I love being pregnant. Now that my DS is 2, I love parenting and he is a total joy to be around. But wow, thinking about starting over with another baby - and adding in the high risk pregnancy (I would be due to some medical issues and age and previous premature birth with DS), and the newborn days...and it exhausts and terrifies me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat as the OP so following this thread with interest. My DS will be 3 next month. We are at such a sweet spot--yeah, he's a toddler and has "toddler" days, but he is so much fun, he's potty trained, he's a great eater and sleeper, and I just love spending time with him. It's going to be really hard to go back to everything being "work" again--nursing and sleep and etc etc etc.

I'm also totally reluctant to be pregnant again. I hated pregnancy. I know it's for a finite time but it's really hard to make myself take the jump to actively seeking to get pregnant when I know I dislike being pregnant. Still, I remember lots of sweet, happy times on maternity leave with my DS, long walks every afternoon, watching him grow...and think, 'Yeah, we could do it again."

Another concern (not totally rational) I have is that I feel like we got so lucky with a healthy, fairly easy, NT child that we couldn't possibly get so lucky again and I'm scared of how we'd handle a child with health concerns or special needs. I know this isn't rational, but it worries me.

If we decide to go for #2, we're going to have to just make a leap of faith, I think. And our age gap would be morel like almost 4 to almost 5 years apart.

Same but DS is almost 4. At this point, even if I got pregnant this month, there would be about a 5 year age gap between the 2. DS has had some relatively minor health/development issues and it has actually taken a lot out of us both emotionally and financially. My current train of thought is that we're better off sticking with the known rather than the unknown. I know this isn't a popular view, but it's the best choice for us.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar boat at OP except leaning toward no. DD is fun and I am excited to be able to do more things with her as she gets older, but that would be hard with a newborn. And I had an easy pregnancy and baby, yet it was still exhausting. Can't imagine what a difficult pregnancy/baby while caring for a toddler would be like. DH and I make good money but are limited by large student loans, and I'd like to be able to pay for DD's college, which seems feasible with one but not two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think that shorter gaps are easier, though it all depends on your outlook. Personally I like having kids with similar needs/stages etc. We had our three very close together on purpose and love it. Don't read about other families experiences ~ They mean nothing to you. You are over thinking it. People have been having multi children families since the dawn of time. You can too, if and when you are ready. You will know when you are ready because you will long for another baby. It really is just that simple. Good luck

So how do you know exactly that spacing them close together is easier if you've never experienced a larger gap?

People have had multi-children families in very different circumstances than many of us have them today - often with ample extended family support and often with one parent full-time at home. And let's be honest, women didn't have birth control. There weren't a lot of options other than multi-children families for many women for a long time. I have 3 too, but it rubs me the wrong way to imply that everyone can just do it and figure it out and it's all super easy and people are overthinking things. I couldn't disagree more. I can't think of a decision to think about more than whether or not to bring another human being into the world and your family and your marriage.

I agree so much with the bolded. I have one (2.5) and am thinking about not having any more (original, vague plan, was to probably have 2). It bugs me to see so many people saying "just don't think too hard about it!" I get it-- I do. There's never a "perfect" time to have a kid, and you'll never be 100% sure you're making the right decision. But a lot of people just dive into it, and we so rarely truly regret having a child, once the child is here, so it's easy to feel like we must have made the "correct" decision, though there's no way of knowing that. Parents of 2 or more are almost always going to say they're happy they had more than one-- parents of one are going to say the same thing. But what bothers me are all the people saying "don't think too hard, because I didn't think too hard, and it all 'turned out fine.'" It's called avoidance of cognitive dissonance and it's strong when it's about a life you brought into the world (and love dearly). And yes, that avoidance of cognitive dissonance comes into play whether it really was the best decision you could have made-- or if it, just maybe, was not.

[Anonymous]

This discussion came just when I was about to post something similar asking for insight. Husband and I have a one year old and want a second, but we're trying to figure out timing b/c I'm in my late 30s and will need to start Clomid again, if not attempt additional fertility options. If we started now, they would be two years apart but for me, that seems so soon. I'm really enjoying this time and don't want to have two potentially in diapers at the same time. Ideally, I'd like them to be three years apart but I know the timing doesn't always align. Plus, being older carries health risks and I don't want to be so old I can't enjoy future grandkids. Since we'll need to use fertility drugs, it could take a while so I'm trying to determine whether we just try and see what happens or wait a bit longer. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This discussion came just when I was about to post something similar asking for insight. Husband and I have a one year old and want a second, but we're trying to figure out timing b/c I'm in my late 30s and will need to start Clomid again, if not attempt additional fertility options. If we started now, they would be two years apart but for me, that seems so soon. I'm really enjoying this time and don't want to have two potentially in diapers at the same time. Ideally, I'd like them to be three years apart but I know the timing doesn't always align. Plus, being older carries health risks and I don't want to be so old I can't enjoy future grandkids. Since we'll need to use fertility drugs, it could take a while so I'm trying to determine whether we just try and see what happens or wait a bit longer. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

You have to decide this, it's a very personal choice. I can tell you that if I was in your shoes I'd start trying right away if there were fertility issues. If you are positive you want two, is it better to start early and have the other earlier than ideal or run the risk of waiting and...who knows how it might go? Anyway, that's me - but I also have my children spaced 2 years apart so obviously I'm in a different camp than some others on this thread. If you're sure you want two and would be heartbroken without, I'd start asap.