Husband says negative things about me to our 5 year old when we argue

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you to everyone who has been interested enough to post and provide perspective. Yes, to PP who said it's strange, certainly. And no, he didn't literally tell our child I said the F word, it was something along the lines of I was getting a consequence...bizarre, I know. Yes, he's been "counseled" that none of this is supposed to happen in front of our child and involving the child in the discussion is a big no - no. Unlike the PP who said her DS shrugged this crap off, our child does not and yes I feel threatened.

[Anonymous]

You do realize that this was a stupid argument though, which is a good thing, right? Nobody should be going to a hotel or involving kids over laundry loads. I get being annoyed but I'm curious what the root of your arguments are about. Because it sounds like you have a totally salvageable marriage.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the fight was about laundry. There's something else going on.

[Anonymous]

Start documenting what happened tonight, what he told your child and taking him to a hotel. If (when) things go the divorce route, this might help you when it comes to Child Custody

[Anonymous]

What is the use of attending counseling sessions if he is not going to do his part?

I am not sure of the laws in your State OP, but I would call the police if my husband took my child away from her home w/out my permission, then didn't tell me where they were.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you threaten to leave him if he is a sahd? Then he will have to get a job. The kid is 5 and is in school or will start in the fall. I would absolutely not allow him to tell our kid that I was getting a consequence. Wtf?

Seriously, though. I would let him take the kid to a hotel for the night. Act cheerful and help your child pack for his vacation. Talk about the hotel pool and what fun it will be. You need to decide what your next move will be. It's good that you have a job.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he used the phrase "consequence" with your child suggests to me that this is some kind of control issue. This is coupled by the fact that as other people pointed out, he is PLANNING to do this tomorrow night. It's deliberate on his part, not an immediate response. He wants to feel that he has the power to make you pay/punish you for your actions.

I'm not saying this is your fault, at all, but is it a possible consequence of the situation where you earn the money, and he stays at home? He feels you have control of the finances, so he wants to have control of the finances, and the child? Perhaps its time to reevaluate the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he used the phrase "consequence" with your child suggests to me that this is some kind of control issue. This is coupled by the fact that as other people pointed out, he is PLANNING to do this tomorrow night. It's deliberate on his part, not an immediate response. He wants to feel that he has the power to make you pay/punish you for your actions.

I'm not saying this is your fault, at all, but is it a possible consequence of the situation where you earn the money, and he stays at home? He feels you have control of the finances, so he wants to have control of the finances, and the child? Perhaps its time to reevaluate the situation?

Quoting myself - my first post should say:

I'm not saying this is your fault, at all, but is it a possible consequence of the situation where you earn the money, and he stays at home? He feels you have control of the finances, so he wants to have control of the household (e.g. laundry), and the child? Perhaps its time to reevaluate the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do realize that this was a stupid argument though, which is a good thing, right? Nobody should be going to a hotel or involving kids over laundry loads. I get being annoyed but I'm curious what the root of your arguments are about. Because it sounds like you have a totally salvageable marriage.

OP here, and I cannot begin to express to all of you how grateful I am that you posted to me. To this particular post and others, you are absolutely correct that laundry per se is not all there is. Yes, there are at least two levels of control at work here. If you asked him what was really going on, he would say that I broke the rule of no cursing even when angry, that by know I should be therapized into knowing better and be able to handle myself in an argument without the f-bomb, and thus, the consequence (of his not sleeping at home, in this case the following evening since it was already nighttime when it happened).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do realize that this was a stupid argument though, which is a good thing, right? Nobody should be going to a hotel or involving kids over laundry loads. I get being annoyed but I'm curious what the root of your arguments are about. Because it sounds like you have a totally salvageable marriage.

OP here, and I cannot begin to express to all of you how grateful I am that you posted to me. To this particular post and others, you are absolutely correct that laundry per se is not all there is. Yes, there are at least two levels of control at work here. If you asked him what was really going on, he would say that I broke the rule of no cursing even when angry, that by know I should be therapized into knowing better and be able to handle myself in an argument without the f-bomb, and thus, the consequence (of his not sleeping at home, in this case the following evening since it was already nighttime when it happened).

1. He is talking to you like a 5 year old. That is disrespectful, more disrespectful than cursing.
2. If your rule is "no cursing even when angry", then you need to apologize for breaking that rule.
3. Your breaking the swearing rule does not give him blanket license to break other rules. Trash talking you to your child is not appropriate. I think you need to make a new rule in therapy that no one gets to threaten to leave the house, with or without the child, unless there is an actual safety issue.
4. The "consequence" is not appropriate to the "crime." The more appropriate response to you swearing about laundry would be to say, "I will not engage with you when you speak disrespectfully to me. I will be in the other room/taking a walk around the block and am happy to talk to you about this when we have both calmed down." Threatening to leave the house a day after you said a swear word is completely overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Using the F word is not shameful----speaking to your 5 year old, and involving him IS shameful. I am sorry. Good luck!

This.

Either your husband agrees to marital couselling NOW or he can pack his bags.

Don't be intimidated by threats of filing for sole custody.

Lawyer up just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you take back some power by just playing along and acting like it's not a big deal. Just say " sure I'm sure you and kid will have a great time. I'm clearly stressed and need some time alone."

OP again. Thank you 21:37. And the PP who said get into therapy, we were in couples counseling. And I am in therapy. And that's why I'm particularly upset with myself, because I thought I was getting better at not retaliating when he does or says something that pisses me off but instead stepping back and examining what's going on with me. What he did tonight that pissed me off was play "house manager" again -- he thinks child needs a load of laundry done so therefore the full load that I just put in has to be taken out and put to the side, and rejects my suggestion to leave child's load downstairs with me and I will do both loads, washer and dryer. I guess each of us had a "plan" and didn't collaborate. So he was pissed that I was interfering with his plan and I got pissed that he was interfering with mine, and I gave him the power to interfere not just with my plan but with me when I f-bombed him in retaliation. What a stupid situation.

No. OP, listen to this: no. This is crazy stuff. This is bizzarro land stuff. He's trying to control when and how a load of laundry gets done. You can't let that shit fly with you. He's picking fights. He comes across as a controlling man, possibly manipulative and emotionally abusive.

He shapes up right now or he's out.

[Anonymous]

But, since OP is bread winner, won't she be responsible for alimony if this ends in divorce? That would suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But, since OP is bread winner, won't she be responsible for alimony if this ends in divorce? That would suck.

Not as much as living with a psycho.