Husband says negative things about me to our 5 year old when we argue
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Anonymous
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My husband and I had an argument this evening. Our 5 year old was upstairs watching TV. I spoke angrily to husband, I admit, used the "f" word, I know, it's shameful. Husband says well then I'm not sleeping here tomorrow night and I'll tell [child] why. Of course I tell him how totallyl wrong that is, and the next thing I know he is upstairs telling child exactly this. Then, he says, child wants to go to hotel with him tomorrow night!
This is not the first time husband has spoken to child negatively about me when we argue. Even though I have told him over and over again how wrong that is, and couples counselor of course emphasized this too. "Not in front of the child!" Husband will not follow protocol and will not restrain himself. What do I do tonight and tomorrow??? I know this is crazy to be posting this to a bunch of strangers and I have placed a call to therapist but I feel so alone and upset right now. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like it is his way to fight back. You use the F word, he reacts by doing what he can do to make you feel bad. I have that temptation too sometimes - DH is being a total jackass, makes me like shit and I think - why do I need to hide that from our kid, why does she get to think he is always the fun one? So I get where he is coming from and it sounds like you both have things to work on, this is just a symptom, not the actual problem. |
Anonymous
| Using the F word is not shameful----speaking to your 5 year old, and involving him IS shameful. I am sorry. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Wow. What an f'ed up family. Get into therapy. |
Anonymous
| Can you take back some power by just playing along and acting like it's not a big deal. Just say " sure I'm sure you and kid will have a great time. I'm clearly stressed and need some time alone." |
Anonymous
| OP here, with thanks to 21:26 and 21:28 for posting so quickly, and being so thoughtful. It had been a good day and a relatively mellow few weeks between us, so I guess I'm doubly frustrated that I retaliated when he upset me. Like PP said, now he's getting back at me. and I guess I feel so frustrated that I retaliated when he upset me and, like PP said, now he's getting back at me. I'm the WOHM and he's a SAHD and our child is very attached to him so it's very threatening when this is the way he chooses to get back at me. |
Anonymous
OP again. Thank you 21:37. And the PP who said get into therapy, we were in couples counseling. And I am in therapy. And that's why I'm particularly upset with myself, because I thought I was getting better at not retaliating when he does or says something that pisses me off but instead stepping back and examining what's going on with me. What he did tonight that pissed me off was play "house manager" again -- he thinks child needs a load of laundry done so therefore the full load that I just put in has to be taken out and put to the side, and rejects my suggestion to leave child's load downstairs with me and I will do both loads, washer and dryer. I guess each of us had a "plan" and didn't collaborate. So he was pissed that I was interfering with his plan and I got pissed that he was interfering with mine, and I gave him the power to interfere not just with my plan but with me when I f-bombed him in retaliation. What a stupid situation. |
Anonymous
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I'm confused. He removed your laundry, which was already started, in order to do a load of your child's clothing? How long did he think your stuff would take? I'd be pissed and swear too, but honestly, swearing isn't something that I pers consider problematic so it wouldn't be that big a deal to DH or me if I said "That's fucking stupid" or whatever.
I do not think it is appropriate for a spouse to leave the house to sleep elsewhere, absent very compelling reasons to do so. To me, it signals an unwillingness to address the situation and resolve the conflict. If the spouse in question is not bringing in a paycheck, I find it even less appropriate since that's basically him insisting that you put him up in a hotel after he was a jerk to you, which strikes me as quite entitled on top of it all. |
Anonymous
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PP here. Wait. TOMORROW night?
So it's not even him walking out in anger right now? |
Anonymous
| That just sounds like a very strange situation. So he told your child, "mom said the F word so I am staying in a hotel tomorrow night?" And then they are planning to do it tomorrow instead of today? Why? |
Anonymous
My thought exactly! And, this fight sounds contrived. OP, I hate to suggest this, but is it possible he picked a fight to give himself an excuse to get out of the house tomorrow night? |
Anonymous
| OP what he's doing is very manipulative and is very bad for your child. I would be extremely concerned about this behavior. |
Anonymous
| Holy crap. NO NO No OP. That's not ok, not for a parent to do to a child and not for him to do to you. Counseling. Stat. |
Anonymous
| My husband also tried some crap like that with my then 5 year old DS a while back. DS obviously wasn't into it, because his response was "let's all be quiet and not talk to each other," and then he went back to doing what he was doing. So I didn't really need to do anything to shut it down. I am really sorry to hear this is happening, but am sure your therapist is going to have a good suggestion on how to handle it. |
Anonymous
| OP, frankly I would not grant permission for him to take your child to the hotel. He is welcome to leave if he wants but he can't take the kid. |