Working co-parenting relationship with the former other woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know anything that is flattering about her? Does she like kids? Is she kind to dogs?

I guess I would tell myself, SHE is the one stuck with the jerk, and YOU get free babysitting! Yay!

Read the Sandcastles book on how to help children with divorce. No matter what, never say anything negative about the ex and the new wife. Remember it's not a competition for your child's love. Your job is to raise your child to a healthy adult, not to win a popularity contest.

- child of cheating divorce, also my ex cheated and left me with two kids.

Yeah, I try to tell myself it could be worse, because she will be nice to my child, and it's not like she's some druggy partier. I know she's nice to kids because she was defacto stepmom in her last relationship and lived with the kids for several years (rent free, did not contribute financially to the household), but now has minimal contact after cheating in that relationship to get with my ex. So the good is that she will be decent to my child, and the bad is that my child will get attached to her and then it's pretty likely that she will move on to someone new. My therapist keeps reminding me that my daughter has strong relationships with both her parents, and if a relationship with a secondary person in her life ends, that sucks, but it's not the end of the world. I know you are totally right about not going negative, every adult child of divorce I've talked to has said that they most stressful part of the divorce was having to deal with parents who were super negative/needy/dysfunctional. I will not be that person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah, I try to tell myself it could be worse, because she will be nice to my child, and it's not like she's some druggy partier. I know she's nice to kids because she was defacto stepmom in her last relationship and lived with the kids for several years (rent free, did not contribute financially to the household), but now has minimal contact after cheating in that relationship to get with my ex. So the good is that she will be decent to my child, and the bad is that my child will get attached to her and then it's pretty likely that she will move on to someone new. My therapist keeps reminding me that my daughter has strong relationships with both her parents, and if a relationship with a secondary person in her life ends, that sucks, but it's not the end of the world. I know you are totally right about not going negative, every adult child of divorce I've talked to has said that they most stressful part of the divorce was having to deal with parents who were super negative/needy/dysfunctional. I will not be that person!

Way to go. I have this situation with my parents, and totally resent my mom for cheating and relentlessly trying to force her co-cheater into our family life. My dad goes out of his way to make things easier for me even when it is awkward for him, and I really respect and appreciate him for it. Turns out, being a cheating pain in the ass isn't a good parenting strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have a decent relationship with your ex, really think about whether you are willing to jeopardize that for the sake of seeking some kind of satisfaction relating to the affair. I really sympathize with you, but the bottom line is that you don't have a lot of recourse here.

I think you may have to conclude that cheaters deserve each other and wait for their relationship to fail.

But they don't all fail. Many don't. My husband's father and stepmother just celebrated their 40th anniversary. They had an affair and went on to have two more kids together.

[Anonymous]

Just take the high road. She likely will not be around for long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have a decent relationship with your ex, really think about whether you are willing to jeopardize that for the sake of seeking some kind of satisfaction relating to the affair. I really sympathize with you, but the bottom line is that you don't have a lot of recourse here.

I think you may have to conclude that cheaters deserve each other and wait for their relationship to fail.

But they don't all fail. Many don't. My husband's father and stepmother just celebrated their 40th anniversary. They had an affair and went on to have two more kids together.

Lol. Did she have a history of pursuing married people like OP's?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the only thing you can do is establish strong boundaries to protect yourself. It's really not necessary to be in contact with a woman who is so unstable. You have no way to influence her. You will not be able to make her "see" that what she is doing is wrong. You need to focus on making your time with your child the happiest and most stable it can be. Be courteous at drop-offs and pick-ups or if you have to be at school or sports events together. If you do not already have it, try for a no paramours clause and/or a "right of first refusal" so that your child cannot be left alone with the other woman. These are common elements of custody agreements. They are, perhaps, not highly enforceable, but often negotiating them means that the other parent may choose to leave the child with you rather than the new wife when the bio dad cannot be present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have a decent relationship with your ex, really think about whether you are willing to jeopardize that for the sake of seeking some kind of satisfaction relating to the affair. I really sympathize with you, but the bottom line is that you don't have a lot of recourse here.

I think you may have to conclude that cheaters deserve each other and wait for their relationship to fail.

But they don't all fail. Many don't. My husband's father and stepmother just celebrated their 40th anniversary. They had an affair and went on to have two more kids together.

Yep, my dad and stepmom just celebrated 30 years, more kids, affair, etc. Agreed, it does happen.

The thing that makes me laugh is, with Hillary back in the news, they LOVE to look down upon about Bill's appalling extramarital affairs (they are not Dems to say the least).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know she's nice to kids because she was defacto stepmom in her last relationship and lived with the kids for several years (rent free, did not contribute financially to the household), but now has minimal contact after cheating in that relationship to get with my ex. So the good is that she will be decent to my child, and the bad is that my child will get attached to her and then it's pretty likely that she will move on to someone new. My therapist keeps reminding me that my daughter has strong relationships with both her parents, and if a relationship with a secondary person in her life ends, that sucks, but it's not the end of the world.

Or, she could become attached to your child and be close to her forever, even after her relationship with your ex ends! I kid, sort of. But our family has a situation like this, and "the other woman" has remained a kind parental figure to the kids (and, eventually grandparental figure to their kids). "The other woman" is move involved than the ex, in fact.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you won't co parent with her. She doesn't need to be involved in the parenting logistics and decisions. Tell her she will be good to your child and that's as far as her "parenting" role goes and you and your ex handle everything between yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Your husband cheated on you, OP. Your husband was the one who broke his wedding vows to you -- not this other woman. If you can co-parent with him then you can co-parent with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband cheated on you, OP. Your husband was the one who broke his wedding vows to you -- not this other woman. If you can co-parent with him then you can co-parent with her.

OP, even if there wasn't an OW, you don't have to coparent with any one but your children's father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her you won't co parent with her. She doesn't need to be involved in the parenting logistics and decisions. Tell her she will be good to your child and that's as far as her "parenting" role goes and you and your ex handle everything between yourselves.

You don't need to "tell" her you won't co-parent with her. That will just make trouble. But, behave like you are not co-parenting with her. All contact about the kids goes to your husband only. All decisions are made between you and him. (If he wants to consult with her and let's that affect his decision-making, that's on him to arrange.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her you won't co parent with her. She doesn't need to be involved in the parenting logistics and decisions. Tell her she will be good to your child and that's as far as her "parenting" role goes and you and your ex handle everything between yourselves.

You don't need to "tell" her you won't co-parent with her. That will just make trouble. But, behave like you are not co-parenting with her. All contact about the kids goes to your husband only. All decisions are made between you and him. (If he wants to consult with her and let's that affect his decision-making, that's on him to arrange.)

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with the premise that you ever need to deal with her. My wife is divorced with a kid and her ex cheated and married ap and we never ever communicate with the ow. Unnecessary if you drop off at school and pick up after school. Very little interaction with them other than emails around things such as summer camp schedule via email. "Good fences make good neighbors."

[Anonymous]

I think you should stop obsessing over the other woman and focus on co-parenting with your ex- you know, the other parent.

You're killing yourself over a bunch of hypotheticals that may never come into play.

You did say that you believe she'll be nice to your kid, so leave it at that!