Working co-parenting relationship with the former other woman?

[Anonymous]

If your ex left you to be with an affair partner how did you develop a functional relationship with that person. This person will likely marry my ex and have an active role in my preschooler's life. I don't want to hurt my child by being obviously bitter/hateful, or make my child live in two separate worlds because I don't want to be in the same room with this woman. Unfortunately, because we were all friends before the affair, I know a lot about her that is unflattering (has cheated/pursued married people multiple times/declared bankruptcy). If she was just a random person in my life, I would probably feel sorry for her because it's pretty clear that some bad stuff happened to her and her behavior is a bad coping strategy. So that is me trying to be objective and compassionate. The other part of me just just hates this woman and can't believe my ex left for someone who is so shitty, and that this person will play a big role in my child's life (until she steps out again).

Has anyone sat down with an ex's partner to talk in this kind of situation, or even done some kind of joint counseling session? I don't want to see her or talk to her, but I'd rather have contact in some kind of controlled setting, than say, at my child's birthday party.

Sometimes it is really hard to be an adult.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP!

[Anonymous]

I would find a counselor for myself. They can help guide you on healthy ways to deal with the other woman, and act as a sounding board for all of the awful emotions that will come with it. It's going to be a tough situation to navigate, and it will help you a lot to have a safe place to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Really sorry, OP. I was the kid in a situation like this, except it was my mom who cheated, and I was 16 so there wasn't really that much co-parenting involved. So my dad basically just ignored the other guy, and all logistics went through my mom. I really respect my dad for insulating me from all the drama and not burdening me with his own feelings. I was the one who discovered the affair, so it was a very difficult time in my life.

I really don't know what you think counseling with her would accomplish. The bottom line is that she's crazy, and that's unlikely to change, right? And you are going to have to see her at child-related events whether you do counseling or not.

I think you could consider a counselor for yourself, and maybe some sessions with just you and your ex to focus on co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the above. I am definitely in therapy, and it's been helpful, but my therapist hasn't had particular strategies for this situation. Maybe it would help for the ex and I to do a session with a family counselor. Ex and I have a decent relationship and really good co-parenting relationship. But we just don't talk about the girlfriend, because when we do it gets ugly. After acknowledging that she does leave relationships by cheating and start relationships by pursuing people already in relationships, ex told me that "she is a good and kind person, and you don't believe that because you think people never change."

But you're right, what would I get out of some sort of sitdown conversation? I guess what I want is for her to admit that being a compulsive cheater is a bad and hurtful way to go through life, but from what I hear from other people in our circle is that she doesn't think she did anything wrong, it's always the rest of us who created a situation where she was forced to cheat.

Okay, so clearly I want to assert control over the situation, but the reality is my control will be very limited.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a written coparenting plan that defines her role and what to do in any situations that trigger you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the above. I am definitely in therapy, and it's been helpful, but my therapist hasn't had particular strategies for this situation. Maybe it would help for the ex and I to do a session with a family counselor. Ex and I have a decent relationship and really good co-parenting relationship. But we just don't talk about the girlfriend, because when we do it gets ugly. After acknowledging that she does leave relationships by cheating and start relationships by pursuing people already in relationships, ex told me that "she is a good and kind person, and you don't believe that because you think people never change."

But you're right, what would I get out of some sort of sitdown conversation? I guess what I want is for her to admit that being a compulsive cheater is a bad and hurtful way to go through life, but from what I hear from other people in our circle is that she doesn't think she did anything wrong, it's always the rest of us who created a situation where she was forced to cheat.

Okay, so clearly I want to assert control over the situation, but the reality is my control will be very limited.

OP you sound so grounded- good for you! I'm sorry you have to deal with this tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, its very hard. My husband was in the situation and his ex cheated with his best friend. She left him for the other man (destroying two marriages) and was horrible to my husband. You sound like a very decent person to be willing to try. Remember it takes two to have an affair and ultimately if it wasn't her it could have been someone else and your ex-husband was the one responsible for the end result. I would just limit contact, keep things cordial and do everything through email and text. And, just say kind or neutral things in front of your daughter and anything else you'd like to say when she's not around.

I hope everything works out for the best and you go on to a very happy and good life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, I think you need to give up the idea that either one of them will admit that they wronged you. I'm the PP whose mom cheated, and 20 years later, she still thinks of it as something that just happened to her. As if my dad was such a jerk to her (he really was), and her pants just came flying off of their own accord. I've come to understand that she needs to believe it isn't her fault, in order to live with herself, and nothing anyone does or says will ever change that. It's very hard to get people to see things they don't want to see, and you can make yourself crazy trying, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the above. I am definitely in therapy, and it's been helpful, but my therapist hasn't had particular strategies for this situation. Maybe it would help for the ex and I to do a session with a family counselor. Ex and I have a decent relationship and really good co-parenting relationship. But we just don't talk about the girlfriend, because when we do it gets ugly. After acknowledging that she does leave relationships by cheating and start relationships by pursuing people already in relationships, ex told me that "she is a good and kind person, and you don't believe that because you think people never change."

But you're right, what would I get out of some sort of sitdown conversation? I guess what I want is for her to admit that being a compulsive cheater is a bad and hurtful way to go through life, but from what I hear from other people in our circle is that she doesn't think she did anything wrong, it's always the rest of us who created a situation where she was forced to cheat.

Okay, so clearly I want to assert control over the situation, but the reality is my control will be very limited.

Yes. I'm so, so, sorry. It sucks. But that's divorce-- you really have no say whatsoever in your ex's parenting or dating choices.

[Anonymous]

OP, try to take the long view. I know it sucks, a lot. But she will likely betray your DH and leave him as well. (Or maybe he'll cheat on her!) In the long run, true colors show. Your child will have no trouble figuring out who can be trusted.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you have a decent relationship with your ex, really think about whether you are willing to jeopardize that for the sake of seeking some kind of satisfaction relating to the affair. I really sympathize with you, but the bottom line is that you don't have a lot of recourse here.

I think you may have to conclude that cheaters deserve each other and wait for their relationship to fail.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a great woman despite the shitty situation you're in. I would recommend to keep doing your counseling and maintain a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. She isn't married to your ex so I think her becoming your child's step-mom is something you should be concerned about yet. When it gets to that point you should be able to address your concerns with your ex, and if you think it might turn ugly because it's about her then have a family counseling session with just you and him.

The best revenge is for you to live well and not hung up on what your ex and ex-friend did to you.

[Anonymous]

Do you know anything that is flattering about her? Does she like kids? Is she kind to dogs?

I guess I would tell myself, SHE is the one stuck with the jerk, and YOU get free babysitting! Yay!

Read the Sandcastles book on how to help children with divorce. No matter what, never say anything negative about the ex and the new wife. Remember it's not a competition for your child's love. Your job is to raise your child to a healthy adult, not to win a popularity contest.

- child of cheating divorce, also my ex cheated and left me with two kids.