11-yo DS Felt "Bullied" Last Day at Camp - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Neither of the bolded is acceptable behaviour.

Also, it's not the kid's job to move the bottle so it can't be reached. It's the other kid's job to leave other people's property alone.

OP, why didn't your child go to an adult in charge? That is what he should have done after the second time the bottle was knocked over. And the adult in charge should have issued a consequence for the other kid, because you leave other people's property alone. That's just basic manners.

PP is way off. My guess she doesn't have boys this age. Just imagine if an adult had to interven everytime a waterbottle got tipped over. You need your child to be more self-reliant than this advice suggests. He will very soon be in middle school. Adults do not constantly suprvise middle schoolers or intervene in water bottle disputes. Your focus should be on empoweing your son to handle this sort of behavior himself.

After a few waterbottle incidents, the adults will likely consider it Boy Who Cried Wolf. Also, as kids get older they will get far more subtle when giving kids shit. This is a very basic life skill for kids to figure out- how to stand up for themselves. Kids can't have adults around them 24/7 until they graduate. And post-graduation, are you going to run to HR or your boss with every slight in the workplace? Holy Hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Neither of the bolded is acceptable behaviour.

Also, it's not the kid's job to move the bottle so it can't be reached. It's the other kid's job to leave other people's property alone.

OP, why didn't your child go to an adult in charge? That is what he should have done after the second time the bottle was knocked over. And the adult in charge should have issued a consequence for the other kid, because you leave other people's property alone. That's just basic manners.

PP is way off. My guess she doesn't have boys this age. Just imagine if an adult had to interven everytime a waterbottle got tipped over. You need your child to be more self-reliant than this advice suggests. He will very soon be in middle school. Adults do not constantly suprvise middle schoolers or intervene in water bottle disputes. Your focus should be on empoweing your son to handle this sort of behavior himself.

PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Not OP, but kids are different and have different triggers. My DS gets very upset by certain things-- the water bottle wouldn't have bothered him much, but he gets upset he feels ignored or excluded-- his word "invisible." Strangely, he would prefer a more aggressive response from a peer than the cold shoulder.

I think if OP's son feels upset by perceived aggression, role playing (as suggested) is a great idea. Some people feel helpless and paralyzed when someone is being mean. Those feelings of helplessness can make a person feel insecure and not worthwhile. Role playing will take the sting out of the vent and clarify for the OP's son that he has options.

If this is a pattern of being afraid of perceived aggression- I recommend martial arts classes . IMO the best way for kids to overcome these types of fears.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it really matters whether knocking over the water bottle was bullying or just teasing that your son didn't like. I think you need to work with him on formulating a reaction to these type of situations (ignoring, moving away) that will shut the other kid down and not give him the satisfaction of seeing your son have an emotional response. Given the level of the incident you described, that should be the initial step that your son tries. If that doesn't work, the next step (rather than the first step) should be telling an adult, especially by the time that a kid is 11.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your son play on any organized sports teams? Just curious, because this is very common behavior in locker rooms and on practice fields--kids that age and older do this sort of thing constantly to each other. Often to the kids they like. (Boys are weird. )

I'm not saying this to excuse the other child's behavior, I'm just genuinely curious. Both of my DSs play on a couple of travel sports teams, and by 10 or so I learned to stay away from the field and locker rooms as the behavior drove me nuts. But they both were sensitive when younger, and they developed thick skin fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages

I would be perfectly fine with a MS kid standing up for himself. If a some kid intentionally knocked over the water bottle a couple times and my son said "stop it" after the first time, I'd have NO problem if he picked up the bottle, said "you really want some?" and squirted him in the face. ITS WATER. Honestly, if your middle school kid is going to run to teachers every time someone knocks over his water bottle, he will become a target more than ever. What consequence to you think a teacher is going to give? The kid will say it was an accident or maybe give some half-hearted apology. Then once he's off school grounds, the behavior will likely escalate.

You need to teach your child to be independent and stand up for himself for times when there isn't an "adult in charge". Seriously. If your kid isn't able to stand up for himself over a water bottle, things will escalate into real bullying. Our kids are in HS, my wife is a teacher- do you really think teachers and school administrators are going to give two shits about a water bottle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Neither of the bolded is acceptable behaviour.

Also, it's not the kid's job to move the bottle so it can't be reached. It's the other kid's job to leave other people's property alone.

OP, why didn't your child go to an adult in charge? That is what he should have done after the second time the bottle was knocked over. And the adult in charge should have issued a consequence for the other kid, because you leave other people's property alone. That's just basic manners.

PP is way off. My guess she doesn't have boys this age. Just imagine if an adult had to interven everytime a waterbottle got tipped over. You need your child to be more self-reliant than this advice suggests. He will very soon be in middle school. Adults do not constantly suprvise middle schoolers or intervene in water bottle disputes. Your focus should be on empoweing your son to handle this sort of behavior himself.

PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages.

Yeah. But I have a 9 yr old and a 12 yr old, and I know kids this age play around all the time. When my 12 yr old was 10, we were outside on a hot day, and I asked if I could throw my cup of water in her face. She said yes. I jokingly yelled, "You bitch!" and threw it in her face. She laughed, and it was fine. An 11 yr old would be labeled a crybaby if they went to a counselor/teacher to say "Larlo keeps knocking over my water bottle!" And they'd be labeled that BY THE TEACHER. Not just by the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Neither of the bolded is acceptable behaviour.

Also, it's not the kid's job to move the bottle so it can't be reached. It's the other kid's job to leave other people's property alone.

OP, why didn't your child go to an adult in charge? That is what he should have done after the second time the bottle was knocked over. And the adult in charge should have issued a consequence for the other kid, because you leave other people's property alone. That's just basic manners.

PP is way off. My guess she doesn't have boys this age. Just imagine if an adult had to interven everytime a waterbottle got tipped over. You need your child to be more self-reliant than this advice suggests. He will very soon be in middle school. Adults do not constantly suprvise middle schoolers or intervene in water bottle disputes. Your focus should be on empoweing your son to handle this sort of behavior himself.

PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages.

Yeah. But I have a 9 yr old and a 12 yr old, and I know kids this age play around all the time. When my 12 yr old was 10, we were outside on a hot day, and I asked if I could throw my cup of water in her face. She said yes. I jokingly yelled, "You bitch!" and threw it in her face. She laughed, and it was fine. An 11 yr old would be labeled a crybaby if they went to a counselor/teacher to say "Larlo keeps knocking over my water bottle!" And they'd be labeled that BY THE TEACHER. Not just by the kids.

I have no words....

Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks all. guess i will bring this up with him soon. he's probably doing a good job avoiding known jerks at school but this one took him by surprise.

btw i don't think this is bullying, that's why i double quoted it. but DS most likely thought/felt it was - he's still learning what is/isn't.

I think it was bullying. It really depends on how the other boy was acting, whether it was goofing around or bullying. I think you should trust your 11 yo to know the difference since he was there.

Tell him to tease others back when they tease him (Like knocking the other boy's water bottle). Boys have a different way of behaving, they will go after the ones that don't do stuff back.

DO NOT tell him to say "stop it". That will just be met with someone saying that back in a mocking tone. (Unless it's a close friend, you can tell a close friend to stop it and they should listen.)

Also get him to have at least one friend around. Those with friends or in groups are much less likely to be bullied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Neither of the bolded is acceptable behaviour.

Also, it's not the kid's job to move the bottle so it can't be reached. It's the other kid's job to leave other people's property alone.

OP, why didn't your child go to an adult in charge? That is what he should have done after the second time the bottle was knocked over. And the adult in charge should have issued a consequence for the other kid, because you leave other people's property alone. That's just basic manners.

PP is way off. My guess she doesn't have boys this age. Just imagine if an adult had to interven everytime a waterbottle got tipped over. You need your child to be more self-reliant than this advice suggests. He will very soon be in middle school. Adults do not constantly suprvise middle schoolers or intervene in water bottle disputes. Your focus should be on empoweing your son to handle this sort of behavior himself.

PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages.

Revisit this when your son is 10-12. It's a different world--trust us! What you're describing is not an age appropriate solution that would work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Revisit this when your son is 10-12. It's a different world--trust us! What you're describing is not an age appropriate solution that would work.

I disagree. The 8th grader in our school who got caught dealing weed straightened up after he got a timeout.

j/k

He got expelled, moved to Florida, and posts pictures of his weed business on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be perfectly fine with a MS kid standing up for himself. If a some kid intentionally knocked over the water bottle a couple times and my son said "stop it" after the first time, I'd have NO problem if he picked up the bottle, said "you really want some?" and squirted him in the face. ITS WATER. Honestly, if your middle school kid is going to run to teachers every time someone knocks over his water bottle, he will become a target more than ever. What consequence to you think a teacher is going to give? The kid will say it was an accident or maybe give some half-hearted apology. Then once he's off school grounds, the behavior will likely escalate.

i appreciate your post, but i can't see DS doing this, even if i role played with him exactly that. that's just not him, and i'm fine with that. walking away is what he does best in such situation - which he also did this time. i haven't talked to him yet so i don't know if/why this incident bothered/upset him more than the other. i guess i'll suggest your solution to him too and see what he thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i appreciate your post, but i can't see DS doing this, even if i role played with him exactly that. that's just not him, and i'm fine with that. walking away is what he does best in such situation - which he also did this time. i haven't talked to him yet so i don't know if/why this incident bothered/upset him more than the other. i guess i'll suggest your solution to him too and see what he thinks.

There are many ways to skin a cat. The best long-term solution is to help your kid figure out a way to respond that is comfortable for him. I actually disagree with the "role playing" advice because honestly, no single reply can cover every possible situation. Maybe he can use humor or just ask why the kid is acting like a douche. But your son should figure out how that he can stand up for himself in his own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um that's ridiculous and he needs to toughen the hell up, and fast. Someone KNOCKED OVER HIS WATER BOTTLE A FEW TIMES. This should not even be a blip on the radar.

Your kid didn't move his water bottle so it couldn't be reached? Squirt the other kid with water? Knock over that kid's water bottle?

The other kid was probably playing around and your kid was too dense to grasp that. Your kid IS going to be bullied if he has this attitude that he's a victim. Kids smell fear like that.

Neither of the bolded is acceptable behaviour.

Also, it's not the kid's job to move the bottle so it can't be reached. It's the other kid's job to leave other people's property alone.

OP, why didn't your child go to an adult in charge? That is what he should have done after the second time the bottle was knocked over. And the adult in charge should have issued a consequence for the other kid, because you leave other people's property alone. That's just basic manners.

PP is way off. My guess she doesn't have boys this age. Just imagine if an adult had to interven everytime a waterbottle got tipped over. You need your child to be more self-reliant than this advice suggests. He will very soon be in middle school. Adults do not constantly suprvise middle schoolers or intervene in water bottle disputes. Your focus should be on empoweing your son to handle this sort of behavior himself.

PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages.

Yeah. But I have a 9 yr old and a 12 yr old, and I know kids this age play around all the time. When my 12 yr old was 10, we were outside on a hot day, and I asked if I could throw my cup of water in her face. She said yes. I jokingly yelled, "You bitch!" and threw it in her face. She laughed, and it was fine. An 11 yr old would be labeled a crybaby if they went to a counselor/teacher to say "Larlo keeps knocking over my water bottle!" And they'd be labeled that BY THE TEACHER. Not just by the kids.

PP you're quoting.

You've just given me one more reason I'm glad we homeschool: my children and I won't have to deal with teacher labelling them in a disrespectful way. Hint: a good teacher does not label *at all*.

And, frankly speaking, I am glad we'll be out of the USA at the end of the year tops. Some people's attitudes here are unbelievable.

If you want to tell them I'm welcome to go back where I came from, feel free to. I'm counting down the days myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're quoting. No, my son isn't that age yet, but I am teaching him that if someone annoys him and that person doesn't stop after he says "Leave me alone" or "Stop", he needs to go to the adult in charge for help.

If he ever squirted water on another kid or messed with another kid's property in retaliation, then he'd be facing a consequence for that.

Would you really be OK with your child behaving like that (meaning squirting water on another kid/messing with their property)? if you do, then we are on completely different pages

I would be perfectly fine with a MS kid standing up for himself. If a some kid intentionally knocked over the water bottle a couple times and my son said "stop it" after the first time, I'd have NO problem if he picked up the bottle, said "you really want some?" and squirted him in the face. ITS WATER. Honestly, if your middle school kid is going to run to teachers every time someone knocks over his water bottle, he will become a target more than ever. What consequence to you think a teacher is going to give? The kid will say it was an accident or maybe give some half-hearted apology. Then once he's off school grounds, the behavior will likely escalate.

You need to teach your child to be independent and stand up for himself for times when there isn't an "adult in charge". Seriously. If your kid isn't able to stand up for himself over a water bottle, things will escalate into real bullying. Our kids are in HS, my wife is a teacher- do you really think teachers and school administrators are going to give two shits about a water bottle?

I think that the underlying text to your question is: do you think that teachers and school administrators are going to give two shits about bad behaviour?

If they don't, they should. If they don't have time to, something needs to be fixed.

Had I been the person who kept knocking down someone else's water bottles, in my day and age I would have gotten a note written by a teacher in my planner, and I would have had to bring it back signed by a parent the following day. Which meant that one of my parents would have known and would have disciplined me for behaving badly at school. Back then, getting a note by a teacher in your planner was a big deal.

Seriously, it doesn't take that long to tell a child: "I'm going to write a note in your planner saying that you did x, y, z. Hand me your planner now. Bring it back signed by a parent tomorrow. Next time, you'll be sent to the office."

If a teacher doesn't have time to do that, something is wrong with the system.