Reply to Adult Children of Divorce and 'Home'

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try. [/quote]

Don't want to hijack this thread, but wondering what this means/ looks like to adult children of divorce? I'm divorced and my kids are getting close to going away to college. I reallywant to give them a "home base." . Currently in a townhouse that I bought to get the kids through high school in a good school district. I really don't want to be here in 20 years, and don't think it's really cozy and home-y anywau.[/quote]

I think some of it is unavoidable.  I just don't feel at home anymore at my dad's house without my mom there.  And when I know I have to pack up my toddlers and all their crap and schlep them over to my mom's house, I feel less at home.  Getting less time at each parent's home makes it feel less like a home.  But it's not like I get twice as many vacation days because of their divorce, right?  I also haaaate how my mom constantly nags me for more grandchild time-- splitting up grandchild time is a natural consequence of divorce, and she was very naive not to anticipate that.

It's nice if you can live in the same area, even if not in the same house.  That way they can more easily maintain relationships with friends and feel a sense of continuity and community.  That is often a casualty of divorce.

The other major factor is new partners/stepfamily.  Disliking a step-parent, problem step-siblings (or younger ones), or a troubled relationship between the parent and step-parent, will make a house not feel like home.  Or to be told that a parent can't see you on the holidays because they are with their new spouse's family.  Instead of having two parents caring about their children, you have one parent caring, and then some other person who doesn't care as much and has their own agenda.

I realize that these things are very difficult to arrange, if not impossible.  That's important for you to understand.  I think ultimately, it's best to accept that your children, and their partners and children, will be bearing the burden of your divorce for the rest of your life.  Own your choice and acknowledge the consequences.  Be understanding of the difficulties this poses-- logistical, financial, and emotional-- and don't try to deny it to make yourself feel better.  Things can seem ok in the 20s and early 30s, but it gets a lot more difficult when grandchildren arrive and parents begin to age.  The hardest part of having divorced parents is caring for them when they are elderly, in my opinion.[/quote]

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