IL's and religious issues

[Anonymous]

OP,

You can try one approach, and if it doesn't work, try another.

First, I would ignore all such comments. As if they had not been said. I would pretend not to hear questions, and look at DH to respond.

Second, if they are beyond annoying, I would tell my husband that I couldn't take the comments anymore and if didn't nip it in the bud, I would take action. The next time they would make a comment, I would look them in the eye and clearly say: "You are not going to make any of us change our minds, and your comments have become so grating to me that I have to ask you to stop right now, please. Thank you." This only works with basically decent human beings, not the crazy ones.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you're worried about their souls as well. That would be a great mindf-k.

Seriously, though, I was raised Catholic by parents who are becoming more and more hardcore by the year. I wouldn't be surprised if they martyr themselves at some point. They can't stop asking me about baptizing DS. They believe Catholicism is superior to all. I've faced it; they're never going to change. Your ILs are probably never going to change.

Don't engage them. Leave it in your husbands hands. Tell them to direct all concerns to him. If he wants to make them happy he has to do all the work including dragging the kids to CCD and weekly mass and fitting your kids for first holy communion clothes. For whatever reason religious training often falls on the mother and they think you're failing the children and they'll turn into heathens or scientologists. Maybe deep down DH wants you to cave so he doesn't have to deal with the religious conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you're worried about their souls as well. That would be a great mindf-k.

I love this. I mean, your other advice was great as well, but this is gold.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you and the children are converting to Islam.

After that they will be THRILLED to find out you stayed Protestant or Baptist or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you and the children are converting to Islam.

After that they will be THRILLED to find out you stayed Protestant or Baptist or whatever.

Omg yes. Do this and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Barb, Jim, I would really love for Larla and Larlo to have a great relationship with you. But if you continue making snide comments about them and about me going to hell, that will not happen. Please think about if you are willing to give up your relationship with your grandchildren so you can continue your religious stance. Which by the way, I'm sure is NOT what Jesus would do."

And then I would not allow the kids near them.

This.

If your husband won't stand up to them, then you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

If your husband tells you what you're not allowed to do, you have a way, way bigger problem than the remarks your in-laws make. Unless you're into the whole wifely submission thing, which is another kettle of fish and I don't wish to offend your religious ideals discussing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know we're not the only ones. DH and his family are Catholic, his parents a little more hardcore than he is. They have become more and more horrified at each step in our marriage: my refusal to have a Catholic wedding, the children being baptized outside the Catholic Church, DH attending church with me. Anyway, it has gotten to the point where they mention it every time we see them and they've started calling DH to ask what we're doing about the kids first communion (hint: nothing).

I know the answer is to have DH tell them to back off, but he won't. Refuses. And I am tired of visiting with them and them making snide comments about our children and me going to hell. Any advice?

They aren't Catholics. They won't do first communion. The grandparents are being willfully obtuse. Personally I would enlist the aid of their Priest to explain to them that the children are not Catholic and thus won't be going through first communion. The priest needs to give them some remedial lessons on how it works.

Their baptism is valid in the Catholic Church and they are welcome to Catholic religious education leading to first communion if we choose. Since DH's own priest had questioned why they don't attend church with him, I am not sure talking to IL's priest is the best course of action.

Now I'm really confused. You said in your opening post you husband now attends church with you.

If he's not attending church with you, and he refuses to tell his parents to stop the catholic talk, have you considered he feels the same way they do? I would tend to think he is silently agreeing with them, but doesn't want to tell you this...

[Anonymous]

Op, I recommend silence. Your response to nasty comments: crickets. Just let it hang there.

You need to talk with your children in advance about this. Not sure how to have that conversation. But you need to help them understand that Gma and Gpa have some strange ideas about religion and that if they say something strange (like the kids are going to hell!) that the kids should not take it to heart. Maybe your priest (or equivalent thereof) could help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

If your husband tells you what you're not allowed to do, you have a way, way bigger problem than the remarks your in-laws make. Unless you're into the whole wifely submission thing, which is another kettle of fish and I don't wish to offend your religious ideals discussing that.

Bingo. We have a winner with this post.

OP, in what other ways does your husband (a) tell you what you must do or not do, and (b) avoid confrontation, and (c) act like mama's boy? Is this really the only situation in which your husband is either "the boss of you" or a don't-rock-the-boat son who puts mommy ahead of wife and kids? I'd really sit down and think about whether this is part of a larger, longer pattern on his part.

He IS putting his parents ahead of his wife and kids by not telling his parents to respect you and how you are raising their grandchildren. He is allowing his wife (and his kids, who if they don't notice it now will notice it very soon) to be picked, picked, picked at by his parents in a very insidious way. Over time, the constant drip of judgment from his parents is going to make your kids question whether they're right; whether mom is wrong and bad; and -- when they're much older and understand things better -- why dad was such a wimp when it came to whatever grandma and grandpa said. If the kids start to think the grandparents are right and see that dad says and does nothing to defend how they, the kids, are being raised, that really undermines the kids' respect for you, mom.

Don't let him model this kind of control and/or wimpiness. I'd sit him down (when the kids are not around, and when he cannot say "I have to leave in five minutes, say your piece so I can go") and tell him: "This really eats at me and makes me feel belittled and judged. And when you dismiss my feelings about it as just being oversensitive, that adds to my feelings of being judged and belittled. This matters to me, and if it continues I will know it does not matter to you that I feel this way. I believe this is your issue to address with your parents, and I want you to have my back here, unless you actually believe the kids and I ARE going to hell and you have never told me so. If you have some issues with what we are doing with religious upbringing, you need to discuss it with me. But if you agree with the way we're raising our kids religiously, then I ask you to have my back and speak to your parents about it by the end of this week, but if you refuse to address it, then I will have to do it myself. I will talk to them on (date) if you haven't by then." If he repeats that you are somehow not allowed to bring it up, it's time to insist on marriage counseling, because anyone who tells a spouse what they can and cannot say has control issues.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, your husband should be the one to have the discussion with his parents about this -- fine. BUT if he fails to resolve it and they make a remark to you, then you get to respond how ever you see fit (and I like the "Barb, Jim" recommendation). You should let him know that you won't be initiating a theological conversation with his parents, but if they raise it with you, you will absolutely respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

If your husband tells you what you're not allowed to do, you have a way, way bigger problem than the remarks your in-laws make. Unless you're into the whole wifely submission thing, which is another kettle of fish and I don't wish to offend your religious ideals discussing that.

As a PP asked, this is literally the only thing he's ever said this about. He thinks I hate Catholics - I do not - and doesn't want me entering into a religious debate with his family. I would never do that, but sometimes he treats me like I'm stupid and don't know how to act in polite company.

So on second though, maybe he does secretly agree with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

If your husband tells you what you're not allowed to do, you have a way, way bigger problem than the remarks your in-laws make. Unless you're into the whole wifely submission thing, which is another kettle of fish and I don't wish to offend your religious ideals discussing that.

As a PP asked, this is literally the only thing he's ever said this about. He thinks I hate Catholics - I do not - and doesn't want me entering into a religious debate with his family. I would never do that, but sometimes he treats me like I'm stupid and don't know how to act in polite company.

So on second though, maybe he does secretly agree with them.

Well there's your problem right there. If that's really true, you have a much bigger problem and need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

If your husband tells you what you're not allowed to do, you have a way, way bigger problem than the remarks your in-laws make. Unless you're into the whole wifely submission thing, which is another kettle of fish and I don't wish to offend your religious ideals discussing that.

As a PP asked, this is literally the only thing he's ever said this about. He thinks I hate Catholics - I do not - and doesn't want me entering into a religious debate with his family. I would never do that, but sometime
s he treats me like I'm stupid and don't know how to act in polite company.

So on second though, maybe he does secretly agree with them.

Well there's your problem right there. If that's really true, you have a much bigger problem and need counseling.

Oh, look, aa defensive Catholic. Did you stop reading mid-sentence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Barb, Jim, I would really love for Larla and Larlo to have a great relationship with you. But if you continue making snide comments about them and about me going to hell, that will not happen. Please think about if you are willing to give up your relationship with your grandchildren so you can continue your religious stance. Which by the way, I'm sure is NOT what Jesus would do."

And then I would not allow the kids near them.

This.

If your husband won't stand up to them, then you have to.

Larla if you don't start taking my grandchildren to my church I will make sure you disappear forever. Have a nice day