IL's and religious issues

[Anonymous]

I know we're not the only ones. DH and his family are Catholic, his parents a little more hardcore than he is. They have become more and more horrified at each step in our marriage: my refusal to have a Catholic wedding, the children being baptized outside the Catholic Church, DH attending church with me. Anyway, it has gotten to the point where they mention it every time we see them and they've started calling DH to ask what we're doing about the kids first communion (hint: nothing).

I know the answer is to have DH tell them to back off, but he won't. Refuses. And I am tired of visiting with them and them making snide comments about our children and me going to hell. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

"Barb, Jim, I would really love for Larla and Larlo to have a great relationship with you. But if you continue making snide comments about them and about me going to hell, that will not happen. Please think about if you are willing to give up your relationship with your grandchildren so you can continue your religious stance. Which by the way, I'm sure is NOT what Jesus would do."

And then I would not allow the kids near them.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

I'd kick your DH in the balls. Someone is REALLY going to tell his wife she's going to hell and he thinks that's okay? Dickpunch for sure.

[Anonymous]

If you don't stick up for me and our children, then I will. And I will think MUCH less of you as a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

I'd kick your DH in the balls. Someone is REALLY going to tell his wife she's going to hell and he thinks that's okay? Dickpunch for sure.

Yep. He thinks I'm being oversensitive because "it's not true" and that I must hate his family for even bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

He can't have it both ways--being the husband AND being the little boy afraid of upsetting his parents.

If he wants to field phone calls from them, that's his business. Let it go.

But the second a snide comment is made, RESPOND with exactly what 00:47 posted. Say it word for word. Then tell the kids it's time to leave (if you're visiting them) or go out (of the room, for a walk, to bed if you're home).

Be ready. Don't look to your husband when they make the snide comment. Just be ready and say it. No discussion. Say it in the calmest, firm voice. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can't have it both ways--being the husband AND being the little boy afraid of upsetting his parents.

If he wants to field phone calls from them, that's his business. Let it go.

But the second a snide comment is made, RESPOND with exactly what 00:47 posted. Say it word for word. Then tell the kids it's time to leave (if you're visiting them) or go out (of the room, for a walk, to bed if you're home).

Be ready. Don't look to your husband when they make the snide comment. Just be ready and say it. No discussion. Say it in the calmest, firm voice. You can do this.

+1. DH needs to respect you and his decision to have a family with you. No way is he allowed to shut you up over this.

[Anonymous]

This isn't an in law problem, this is a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

I'd kick your DH in the balls. Someone is REALLY going to tell his wife she's going to hell and he thinks that's okay? Dickpunch for sure.

Yep. He thinks I'm being oversensitive because "it's not true" and that I must hate his family for even bringing it up.

To which my response would be: "So let me get this straight: you're telling me what I shouldn't feel as well as telling me what I am feeling. Did I get that right?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, DH has explicitly told me I'm not allowed to mention it. And if I say I won't see them, I'm being "overly sensitive".

Look up gaslighting and see if it pertains toy our DH in other ways too.

[Anonymous]

Honest question for you OP: have your in-laws actually made any direct reference to you going to hell? Or is that your way of summarizing a longer version of what they say - something along the lines of the Catholic church being the most complete and direct path to God?

I ask because I have a very Catholic husband and Catholic in-laws, I'm not Catholic, not even Christian, but I've attended various Catholic things over the years and the Church's stance on non-Catholics is not that they are going to hell. In fact, the Church doesn't claim to know that anyone is in hell at all, because God is merciful and we have no way of knowing the bounds of what his mercy would forgive.

Sorry for the theological lesson, but I just want to clarify what we're talking about here. Their faith does not teach them that you're going to hell, so if they're saying that to you, your husband should encourage them to speak to their priest and if they bring that up with you again, you should implore them to look at what their church teaches and say you're not open to discussing the matter further until they do so. My husband has told his father that he's committing heresy for lesser offenses, and there's no reason your husband can't defend you and the faith he was raised in from being misrepresented by willfully ignorant people.

If they're not actually implying that you're going to hell, but just that they're unhappy that you're not Catholic, then that warrants a different response. They are allowed to believe their faith is the best - every one does, but they need to be respectful and not meddle in their grown child's marriage (a confess-able sin btw). Either way, I wouldn't threaten less time with the grandchildren as a way of dealing with it. Your ILs behavior will speak for itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question for you OP: have your in-laws actually made any direct reference to you going to hell? Or is that your way of summarizing a longer version of what they say - something along the lines of the Catholic church being the most complete and direct path to God?

I ask because I have a very Catholic husband and Catholic in-laws, I'm not Catholic, not even Christian, but I've attended various Catholic things over the years and the Church's stance on non-Catholics is not that they are going to hell. In fact, the Church doesn't claim to know that anyone is in hell at all, because God is merciful and we have no way of knowing the bounds of what his mercy would forgive.

Good question, and you're right about what the Catholic Church actually teaches (post Vatican II, at least!). It's both. I've gotten the spiel about the Catholic Church being the one true church and blatant concerns about the state of my and DC's souls. As well as DH's, if we're being honest, since we didn't have a Catholic wedding.

To PP, no, I don't see any kind of gaslighting.

To another PP, maybe it is a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know we're not the only ones. DH and his family are Catholic, his parents a little more hardcore than he is. They have become more and more horrified at each step in our marriage: my refusal to have a Catholic wedding, the children being baptized outside the Catholic Church, DH attending church with me. Anyway, it has gotten to the point where they mention it every time we see them and they've started calling DH to ask what we're doing about the kids first communion (hint: nothing).

I know the answer is to have DH tell them to back off, but he won't. Refuses. And I am tired of visiting with them and them making snide comments about our children and me going to hell. Any advice?

They aren't Catholics. They won't do first communion. The grandparents are being willfully obtuse. Personally I would enlist the aid of their Priest to explain to them that the children are not Catholic and thus won't be going through first communion. The priest needs to give them some remedial lessons on how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know we're not the only ones. DH and his family are Catholic, his parents a little more hardcore than he is. They have become more and more horrified at each step in our marriage: my refusal to have a Catholic wedding, the children being baptized outside the Catholic Church, DH attending church with me. Anyway, it has gotten to the point where they mention it every time we see them and they've started calling DH to ask what we're doing about the kids first communion (hint: nothing).

I know the answer is to have DH tell them to back off, but he won't. Refuses. And I am tired of visiting with them and them making snide comments about our children and me going to hell. Any advice?

They aren't Catholics. They won't do first communion. The grandparents are being willfully obtuse. Personally I would enlist the aid of their Priest to explain to them that the children are not Catholic and thus won't be going through first communion. The priest needs to give them some remedial lessons on how it works.

Their baptism is valid in the Catholic Church and they are welcome to Catholic religious education leading to first communion if we choose. Since DH's own priest had questioned why they don't attend church with him, I am not sure talking to IL's priest is the best course of action.