Separate vacations?

[Anonymous]

Before kids I took a few trips with my parents that they kindly paid for. Even so, no way I would have sprung that on DH. Frankly, your situation sounds disrespectful. Hopefully she was caught up in the excitement of the moment and will understand your concerns once you talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm trying to find a way to engage the discussion and find a solution that doesn't end with both of us resenting each other.

The best way is to find the money and make it happen. That means we have to cut things out that both of us like and want.

For me right now. I know I need to be the bigger person and cut out things I like to do so that she can do this. So, I could cut out sporting events. I can check myself from saying, "hey, let's grab drinks and a bite to eat." I can sacrifice a trip to see my family.

The emotional hill for me to climb is the fact that she wants to spend this kind of money on a trip without me. I find that hurtful, but I recognize that I need to get beyond feeling like that. I'm sure she is excited by the opportunity (hopefully more so than the desire to get away from the family for a while).

I feel like you are making yourself feel guilty, when in reality, she planned something without discussing it with you. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do and I think it's normal to feel hurt by her actions. That being said, I think the previous questions about budget are helpful- do you plan your budget together? Have you asked her where the money will come from? Do you know how much it will actually end up costing?

I think it's very healthy for spouses to occasionally vacation with friends and me and my DH do this once a year or so. That being said, we are both very clear about finances and make sure to discuss not only dates but locations with each other in advance (for example, he just went away with some friends and on the list of possible destinations was somewhere I've always wanted to visit together. I asked him if he could not go there but to another city on his list instead, and he accommodated that request.)

You're right that you need to find a solution that doesn't end up with either of you resenting each other, and to have a productive conversation about it. I think the budget question is a good one- how much is the trip going to cost, how will your family find a way to pay, if budget is an issue, etc. The answer certainly is not for you to cut back in all these areas so that she can go on this trip. You will end up resenting that- how could you not? But I think it might work if you can both find a way to make sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm trying to find a way to engage the discussion and find a solution that doesn't end with both of us resenting each other.

The best way is to find the money and make it happen. That means we have to cut things out that both of us like and want.

For me right now. I know I need to be the bigger person and cut out things I like to do so that she can do this. So, I could cut out sporting events. I can check myself from saying, "hey, let's grab drinks and a bite to eat." I can sacrifice a trip to see my family.

The emotional hill for me to climb is the fact that she wants to spend this kind of money on a trip without me. I find that hurtful, but I recognize that I need to get beyond feeling like that. I'm sure she is excited by the opportunity (hopefully more so than the desire to get away from the family for a while).

No. This is not your tween needing braces. This is an grown woman who is supposedly in a partnership with another adult. You are not "the bad guy" saying "Well if you want braces so your adult teeth don't fall out, I GUESS we can scrap the family vacation. For you." The problem is that she announced she was doing this, rather than saying "Hey, Julie and Laura want to plan a girls trip to Paris in the spring and I want to go; how can we afford this?"

I've taken trips without DH. He's taken trips without me. But if the finances of that were an issue, we would have to discuss, cut back, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how you " engage " this problem. You want it, you pay for it.

Put on your man pants and stop letting your wife bully you.

Terms like "man pants" are nothing more than tools of the patriarchy, designed to force men into their pre-assigned gender roles. As a man, I am requesting you stop microaggressions like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. It would be helpful if we could pull that off.

I wish she would have said something like, I've picked up some extra work because I want to take a really extravagant trip.

This puts weight on me to bring the "no fun" elements of her plan out in the open. Each of us will have a hard time avoiding bitterness during and after the exchange. I dread it. I don't want the debt. I don't want the acrimony that this is already generating in me.

You write like a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my spouse just sprang it in me that she is going out of the country this summer with friends. We had already booked a place for a family vacation.

This is not a cheap trip she is talking about. I/we made no budget plans to account for this.

I don't want to be the controlling husband who blocks her fun. My gut reaction is to say fine, do what you want, but we have to cancel the family trip. We can't afford both.

If I choose the latter approach, I'll be the bad guy - again. Plus, it really would hurt the kids who look forward to vacation, too. I know I should be more gracious, but I feel like this is the height of selfishness on her part. I'm angry. I'm working hard not to respond out of anger.

Any good ideas on how I can handle this, how I can adjust my thinking?

The hand wringing and lack of decisiveness on your part are not helping. Based on the facts and circumstances you have outlined, it is highly probably she is going to fuck some other guy on this trip.

[Anonymous]

What the hell, didn't people get the info that vaccines are fine and it was a hoax?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she engaged in your finances at all? Do you guys do an actual budget?

Is this some sort of "once in a lifetime" trip? Or is she friends with people who simply have more financial resources than you do? Did you day anything when she brought it up? Like "I'm not sure we can afford that"? Did you discuss the costs, or are you surmising it will be expensive?

I agree she should have discussed it rather than announced it. That said, you'll get a lot farther with trying to understand why she wants to do it. Is it for some sort of big event, like a wedding? Maybe she feels a few thousand bucks of debt is worth it for a once-in-a-lifetime type thing. You don't feel that way, but she might. Unless she's terribly selfish or financially irresponsible in general, I can't imagine that she thought that agreeing to this would mean you'd be foregoing your family trip. So, like everyone else says - talk to her. Ask how she thought you could afford it/if it was worth it to go into debt for, to her. And try to get over the idea that she's 'trying to get away from you.' Many, many happy couples travel without their partner from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Well if she wants to go out of the country with her own friends, then fine let her.

And also let her finance it since she didn't give you a "heads-up" prior to scheduling.

It would be totally unfair for the kids to have to give up their vacation just so she can enjoy hers. It wouldn't be their fault that she planned an out of the country vacation without telling you first.

Why should they be the ones to suffer??