Separate vacations?

[Anonymous]

So, my spouse just sprang it in me that she is going out of the country this summer with friends. We had already booked a place for a family vacation.

This is not a cheap trip she is talking about. I/we made no budget plans to account for this.

I don't want to be the controlling husband who blocks her fun. My gut reaction is to say fine, do what you want, but we have to cancel the family trip. We can't afford both.

If I choose the latter approach, I'll be the bad guy - again. Plus, it really would hurt the kids who look forward to vacation, too. I know I should be more gracious, but I feel like this is the height of selfishness on her part. I'm angry. I'm working hard not to respond out of anger.

Any good ideas on how I can handle this, how I can adjust my thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my spouse just sprang it in me that she is going out of the country this summer with friends. We had already booked a place for a family vacation.

This is not a cheap trip she is talking about. I/we made no budget plans to account for this.

I don't want to be the controlling husband who blocks her fun. My gut reaction is to say fine, do what you want, but we have to cancel the family trip. We can't afford both.

If I choose the latter approach, I'll be the bad guy - again. Plus, it really would hurt the kids who look forward to vacation, too. I know I should be more gracious, but I feel like this is the height of selfishness on her part. I'm angry. I'm working hard not to respond out of anger.

Any good ideas on how I can handle this, how I can adjust my thinking?

(Why does this sound familiar?)

You have bigger problems that budgeting. This is something that should have been talked about beforehand. I suggest counseling.

[Anonymous]

I am PP. For what it's worth, I just asked my spouse about a girls' weekend. His response is that it would be fine with him, but could he have a boys weekend. It's not taking the separate time that's a problem, it's the announcing it instead of discussing it that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

How about both of you sitting down together with your budget and discuss how you (you plural) can afford the trip? Maybe she has ideas you haven't thought of? Or maybe she wasn't thinking about money and got carried away and will realize that she can't do this trip and will decide to cancel. Or maybe she'll say that this solo trip is more important than the family trip and you can have a conversation about that.

No matter what, a conversation between equals seems to be the way to start.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. It would be helpful if we could pull that off.

I wish she would have said something like, I've picked up some extra work because I want to take a really extravagant trip.

This puts weight on me to bring the "no fun" elements of her plan out in the open. Each of us will have a hard time avoiding bitterness during and after the exchange. I dread it. I don't want the debt. I don't want the acrimony that this is already generating in me.

[Anonymous]

Keep the emotion out of it and talk finances. Tell her point blank that you really can't afford both trips. Choices need to be made and discussed.

[Anonymous]

"it's the announcing it instead of discussing it that is the problem"

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep the emotion out of it and talk finances. Tell her point blank that you really can't afford both trips. Choices need to be made and discussed.

Nice idea, but I can see where OP would struggle with "keeping the emotion" out of it.

From the sounds of the trip, airfare and lodging could easily be a couple of grand before meals, shopping etc. come into play.

In my household, that is our vacation/travel budget for the entire year. I can see why he's not happy about the plan and the way it came to him.

[Anonymous]

Is she engaged in your finances at all? Do you guys do an actual budget?

Is this some sort of "once in a lifetime" trip? Or is she friends with people who simply have more financial resources than you do? Did you day anything when she brought it up? Like "I'm not sure we can afford that"? Did you discuss the costs, or are you surmising it will be expensive?

[Anonymous]

You sound more like her dad than her husband. Why are all the concerns about paying for the trip falling on your shoulders?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm trying to find a way to engage the discussion and find a solution that doesn't end with both of us resenting each other.

The best way is to find the money and make it happen. That means we have to cut things out that both of us like and want.

For me right now. I know I need to be the bigger person and cut out things I like to do so that she can do this. So, I could cut out sporting events. I can check myself from saying, "hey, let's grab drinks and a bite to eat." I can sacrifice a trip to see my family.

The emotional hill for me to climb is the fact that she wants to spend this kind of money on a trip without me. I find that hurtful, but I recognize that I need to get beyond feeling like that. I'm sure she is excited by the opportunity (hopefully more so than the desire to get away from the family for a while).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm trying to find a way to engage the discussion and find a solution that doesn't end with both of us resenting each other.

The best way is to find the money and make it happen. That means we have to cut things out that both of us like and want.

For me right now. I know I need to be the bigger person and cut out things I like to do so that she can do this. So, I could cut out sporting events. I can check myself from saying, "hey, let's grab drinks and a bite to eat." I can sacrifice a trip to see my family.

The emotional hill for me to climb is the fact that she wants to spend this kind of money on a trip without me. I find that hurtful, but I recognize that I need to get beyond feeling like that. I'm sure she is excited by the opportunity (hopefully more so than the desire to get away from the family for a while).

Why don't you just ask her? Wife, how do you think we should go about paying for this? Then listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm trying to find a way to engage the discussion and find a solution that doesn't end with both of us resenting each other.

The best way is to find the money and make it happen. That means we have to cut things out that both of us like and want.

For me right now. I know I need to be the bigger person and cut out things I like to do so that she can do this. So, I could cut out sporting events. I can check myself from saying, "hey, let's grab drinks and a bite to eat." I can sacrifice a trip to see my family.

The emotional hill for me to climb is the fact that she wants to spend this kind of money on a trip without me. I find that hurtful, but I recognize that I need to get beyond feeling like that. I'm sure she is excited by the opportunity (hopefully more so than the desire to get away from the family for a while).

If you can't have a conversation about this, then you have bigger problems than this trip.

You need to have a conversation about the fact that you're willing to make cuts to make both trips happen; is she? What is it about this trip that makes it so important to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound more like her dad than her husband. Why are all the concerns about paying for the trip falling on your shoulders?

Uh, they're a family. One person spends a shit ton of money on themselves affects the family budget. It's not like there's "his money" and "her money." That's not how family finances work.

[Anonymous]

Here's how you " engage " this problem. You want it, you pay for it.

Put on your man pants and stop letting your wife bully you.