DS Pursuing Relationship w/Deadbeat Dad
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Anonymous
Anger...disgust...whatever. I don't think this guy is good for my nephew. Sis and I gave all we had to this kid. I just can't help but wonder if he'd be so willing to reunite if Nephew was a low income, needy HS drop out (like the bio kids Deadbeat was there for) instead of a successful college kid who's had every financial advantage in life. No thanks to Deadbeat or that minimal amount of child support Sis got from age 3-18 with no increase. |
You can call it "disgust" if you want, but being as upset as you are indicates you are still angry at this guy. Why not admit it? it's to your credit. I disagree with PP that it's a bad thing, you just need to keep your head and focus on the issue at hand: keeping your nephew safe. He's an adult and needs to be able to handle himself. "stranger danger" is for little kids. Let's say he goes to visit and deadbeat does do something that puts him in danger. will he know what to do? Focus on that. Focus on getting him the skills he needs to handle whatever might happen.
Anonymous
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But none of these things are really your concern. There's not much even your sister can do. I think you should follow your sister's lead and just be gracious.
It's likely your nephew will be disappointed. And that yes, once again, you will play a role in supporting him (emotionally). But he's a boy who is curious about his dad. And he's also an adult, simultaneously. He's young, but old enough to make his own mistakes and still be comforted and supported by his family. Leave it be. What good could possibly come of you getting involved? |
Anonymous
Then the skills you, as surrogate dad, need to make sure your nephew has are financial. How not to be taken advantage of. How to know when people want you for who you are vs what you have. Let's hope you've been teaching him those all along. Just be there for him. My sister is a social worker and has seen it all, and she says one truth she's come to recognize is kids love their parents. Period. Even when they shouldn't, even when the parent has been terrible. that's what you're dealing with here--a strong desire on nephew's part for his past to have been different. When he is disappointed, you'll be there to remind him that while he didn't have a decent dad, he was lucky enough to have the next best thing--a decent uncle who stepped up. Vent to us, vent to your sister maybe even, but say nothing to nephew. Just be there for him. |
Anonymous
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Okay guys I get it. I'll leave it alone, be supportive through clenched teeth and join Sis in helping him shoulder on when he realizes Deadbeat doesn't love him at all, much less as much as Sis and I.
PP, I'm a female. (Would a male really be this worked up?) but I get your confusion. I also understand a child's unconditional love for parents. But it's usually for parents who've been there-perfect, imperfect or otherwise. Deadbeat is a sperm donor. Not a parent. Dearest Nephew will come to see this. |
Anonymous
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Okay guys I get it. I'll leave it alone, be supportive through clenched teeth and join Sis in helping him shoulder on when he realizes Deadbeat doesn't love him at all, much less as much as Sis and I.
PP, I'm a female. (Would a male really be this worked up?) but I get your confusion. I also understand a child's unconditional love for parents. But it's usually for parents who've been there-perfect, imperfect or otherwise. Deadbeat is a sperm donor. Not a parent. Dearest Nephew will come to see this. |
Anonymous
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People think you are a dude because you referred to yourself as a "dad" in an earlier post.
Why are you so opposed to the two of them having a relationship? I am a social worker, and I have seen it all. You need to MYOB. |
Anonymous
I'm opposed to my flesh and blood having a relationship with anyone who's screwed him (and my sister) over. And Deadbeat's a lying deadbeat asshole. I can forgive what happened 18 years ago more than i can get over how he disappointed my nephew with the birthday gift at age 13. We were all open to giving Deadbeat a chance, thinking perhaps he'd grown. Instead, he sorely disappointed my nephew, doing more harm than good without giving him a 2nd thought. Why are you acting like I'm the bad guy or that my feelings and concerns are invalid? I wonder how you would feel if this was your flesh and blood that YOU had sacrificed and loved from birth? |
Anonymous
| Your feelings and concern are valid, but the bottom line is that this is your nephew's decision. Yes there is risk, but it's still his decision. |
Anonymous
They're not invalid, but you need to realize that this isn't about you. It's about your nephew and his need to know his father. That need is just as valid as any feeling of yours. |
Anonymous
Many kids want to meet their dad even when he was only a sperm donor, even a real sperm donor from the sperm bank! There is a natural desire to know your parentage. Unlike others I think you have every right to be angry and disgusted with deadbeat dad. However, I don't think it's useful to express that anger or disgust to the mom or son. Find some other way to get it out (like venting here). You have valid concerns about the visit -- I"m worried dad is looking to take financial advantage, I'm worried son will be disappointed, I'm worried about violence, etc. If you express your anger while you discuss these concerns, then the listener will not be able to hear past your anger, and you will not be able to discuss valid concerns and how to manage them. (like, I don't think son should stay with dad) Kids will eventually realize who is really there for them if they are taught to focus on honesty, kindness, reciprocity and reliability in relationships in general. |
Anonymous
I hear you. I have a bad ex too. But ultimately, this is the guy your sister chose to make a baby with. This is one of the consequences. You cannot stand in the way. All you can do is love your nephew. Be there to help him when DBD drops the ball again and lets him down. |
Anonymous
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I understand where you are coming from on this, having a very mentally ill relative (refuses treatment) who is unpredictable, prone to extreme anger, and extremely good at manipulation. Most family members have cut off contact entirely at this point. I worry some day my DC may want to meet their relative, and it scares me.
Your nephew is almost certainly going to get burned. It's not likely deadbeat dad has improved at this point. But as people point out, you can't protect him from that. However, you can try to set up your nephew to be on his guard against financial or emotional manipulation. You will need to let go of your own anger in order to have that conversation otherwise nephew will shut down. Remember, he shares genes with this guy and may personalize what you say. You are talking about his father. I'd practice calmly expressing concern and at the same time offering practical advice. Possibly ways to say this: I understand you want to meet him and I support your feelings in this. I am worried you will be hurt. I am worried about you getting physically, emotionally, or financially hurt by the meeting. Would you consider a shorter meeting for the first time? I am worried about his mental state. If he does x, know you can call me at any time of night and we will do whatever we can. etc etc. You really need to work on saying it calmly, though, because otherwise your message is going to be lost. |