DS Pursuing Relationship w/Deadbeat Dad

[Anonymous]

My nephew was raised his entire life by his mother who sacrificed all she could to give him a good life.

His deadbeat dad was never a part of his life. He paid court-mandated support beginning when my nephew was 3. It took dear sis and the courts that long to get an order, despite filing right after her DS was born. Deadbeat dodged the paper server. Then when he was finally served, responded in writing that he was not the father and not responsible for support. The court said, "Fine. Take a blood test." He refused to show up. 3 times. Until the judge finally threatened to arrest him for contempt of ourt.

Forgot to mention that the day Sis took DS home Deadbeat called and threatened to kill them both. She got a police report saying as much.

Fast forward to Nephew's 12th or 13th birthday. He's reunited with Deadbeat via phone. Deadbeat calls and asks what he wants for his birthday and to give him his address so he can send the gift. Nephew gets excited, asks for a video game and Sis offers a friend's address to send it to. She did not want him to have her address although they live hundreds of miles apart.

Deadbeat called Nephew and told him that he would NOT send him anything because his mother refused to give her real address. Nephew says "Forget that loser" and moves on with life.

Fast forward and Nephew is now a college freshman. (Guess which side of the family has been pooling their money to make this happen?) and Dear Nephew has just told my sister that he's been communicating with Deadbeat and wants to spend one of his 2 weeks of spring break visiting him. Sister is okay with it because she gets the curiosity factor, but DN seems to have fantasized a real father/son relationship with this loser. He asked Deadbeat to take him to a sports event.

I'm a bit livid and worried but don't know how much I should say to him or my sister about it. For all intents and purposes, I was that kid's dad all these years. I sacrificed to help provide while Deadbeat lived without giving him a 2nd thought. He's obviously an asshole. I don't know what he may do.

Thoughts? Advice?

[Anonymous]

Okay. I understand you are skeptical and that's natural. But from my point of view, there's nothing wrong with the dad wanting to have a relationship and actually everything right. Who cares what happened in the past regarding child support? That's not a factor in whether he can have a healthy supportive relationship with his son. BUTT OUT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. I understand you are skeptical and that's natural. But from my point of view, there's nothing wrong with the dad wanting to have a relationship and actually everything right. Who cares what happened in the past regarding child support? That's not a factor in whether he can have a healthy supportive relationship with his son. BUTT OUT.

My issue is less of the child support and more about the fact that he's an ass I wouldn't trust with my plant, much less flesh and blood.

[Anonymous]

Ultimately he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Try not to take it so personally. He will likely be very, very disappointed and will need your continued support.

Are you actually concerned that harm may come to your nephew, like physical harm, rather than just another round of disappointment?

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go OP. THe child is now a grown-up. He has every right to try to get to know his biological father - for good or ill.

The less control anyone tries to exert over him in the process the more likely he is to be able to come to his own conclusions.

It doesn't do any child good to realize they have a parent who may be seriously deficient in the humanity department. Focus your efforts on being there for your nephew through and beyond whatever level of contact he establishes. Let go of all the anger you're still harboring over what went on years ago. It isn't your battle to fight and it won't help your nephew.

[Anonymous]

Give yourself, your sister and your nephew some credit OP. Do you really think that an 18 or 19 year old can't see the situation for what it is? Of course he is curious about his bio dad. And he well may be building himself up for a big disappointment, but it won't be the first time this man has let him down. He knows who raised him. Just be there for him and continue to love him as you always have. He won't go far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Try not to take it so personally. He will likely be very, very disappointed and will need your continued support.

Are you actually concerned that harm may come to your nephew, like physical harm, rather than just another round of disappointment?

Both. But I'm more afraid of physical harm.

I think my nephew would brush off disappointment with a shrug and, "whatever. This guy's an ass" like he did at 12 or 13. He's pretty cool in that way. I just don't trust this deadbeat asshole. He gave my nephew the middle finger and his ass to kiss his entire life. Now he wants to play dad? Okay then help out with tuition and books. Let him buy the ticket to get my nephew to Florida for the visit.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, what kind of physical harm and how?

[Anonymous]

You seriously need to defuse your anger OP. It is of zero help to your nephew and serves no good purpose.

[Anonymous]

I really don't have anger. I included details to give a full picture, but there's no anger. No, I do not like Deadbeat anymore than anyone likes a 'man' who pulls the disappearing act on his child.

I'm more concerned. Okay and disgusted. How convenient to step up and play daddy now.

The good news is that I haven't shared my feelings with him about this. Sis just told me about it this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what kind of physical harm and how?

That's the thing. I don't know this guy and what he's capable of. He's a stranger to me-and my nephew. I don't want him going into a 'father' son relationship blindly when he really should beware of Stranger Danger and feel this guy out first.

[Anonymous]

You don't have anger? Haaaa.

Sorry, the kid is in college. He's an adult and can expose himself to whatever danger he wants. Sure, try to talk to him, but the bottom line is, people can choose their own level of danger. What do you think his dad is going to do, beat him up? Steal a kidney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what kind of physical harm and how?

That's the thing. I don't know this guy and what he's capable of. He's a stranger to me-and my nephew. I don't want him going into a 'father' son relationship blindly when he really should beware of Stranger Danger and feel this guy out first.

Stranger Danger? Seriously? You think he's going to get molested?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't have anger. I included details to give a full picture, but there's no anger. No, I do not like Deadbeat anymore than anyone likes a 'man' who pulls the disappearing act on his child.

I'm more concerned. Okay and disgusted. How convenient to step up and play daddy now.

The good news is that I haven't shared my feelings with him about this. Sis just told me about it this morning.

Uh...op? you have anger. You can call it "disgust" if you want, but being as upset as you are indicates you are still angry at this guy. Why not admit it? it's to your credit. I disagree with PP that it's a bad thing, you just need to keep your head and focus on the issue at hand: keeping your nephew safe. He's an adult and needs to be able to handle himself. "stranger danger" is for little kids. Let's say he goes to visit and deadbeat does do something that puts him in danger. will he know what to do? Focus on that. Focus on getting him the skills he needs to handle whatever might happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't have anger. I included details to give a full picture, but there's no anger. No, I do not like Deadbeat anymore than anyone likes a 'man' who pulls the disappearing act on his child.

I'm more concerned. Okay and disgusted. How convenient to step up and play daddy now.

The good news is that I haven't shared my feelings with him about this. Sis just told me about it this morning.

Uh...op? you have anger. You can call it "disgust" if you want, but being as upset as you are indicates you are still angry at this guy. Why not admit it? it's to your credit. I disagree with PP that it's a bad thing, you just need to keep your head and focus on the issue at hand: keeping your nephew safe. He's an adult and needs to be able to handle himself. "stranger danger" is for little kids. Let's say he goes to visit and deadbeat does do something that puts him in danger. will he know what to do? Focus on that. Focus on getting him the skills he needs to handle whatever might happen.

Anger...disgust...whatever. I don't think this guy is good for my nephew. Sis and I gave all we had to this kid. I just can't help but wonder if he'd be so willing to reunite if Nephew was a low income, needy HS drop out (like the bio kids Deadbeat was there for) instead of a successful college kid who's had every financial advantage in life. No thanks to Deadbeat or that minimal amount of child support Sis got from age 3-18 with no increase.