How do I make my 9 yr old DS feel better about lack of athletic skill

[Anonymous]

My son never really found a sport he was good at. it turned out he excelled at cross country and rowing. He gave up cross country after a while but stuck with the rowing through high school. It was a good experience for him. Don't lose heart, OP. Who knows what your son may end of taking an interest in as he matures?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he definitely does not ask to quit- he likes playing baseball even though he strikes out alot and gets upset. He quit lacrosse and tennis, but you can't continue to play everything, for scheduling reasons too.
I would let him quit if he wanted to, but he hasn't asked.
He loves scouts, hiking and camping. It's just hard to find opportunities to do those things.
He doesn't love running but he doesn't hate it. He has fine a number of 5ks with me.
I just hate seeing him so sad.

How about a swim team? Maybe he isn't good at hand eye coordination

Swim team can help your DS get exercise, but many swim teams are very competitive even when the kids are 9 or 10.

[Anonymous]

running! start to do small races or runs with him on the weekends (especially his Dad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he definitely does not ask to quit- he likes playing baseball even though he strikes out alot and gets upset. He quit lacrosse and tennis, but you can't continue to play everything, for scheduling reasons too.
I would let him quit if he wanted to, but he hasn't asked.
He loves scouts, hiking and camping. It's just hard to find opportunities to do those things.
He doesn't love running but he doesn't hate it. He has fine a number of 5ks with me.
I just hate seeing him so sad.

OP - I get where you are coming from. I posted on here before about 9 yr old being the same. I feel sad for my DS, too, when I see how awkward he is on the court. And some kids on his own team have said some not nice things to him about his lack of ability. When this happens we talk to him about it, his feelings, be empathetic (dH and I have both had our challenges with being athletic). But, it makes me feel really proud when he keeps going and doesn't want to just admit defeat. I think this is a bigger lesson for him than learning how to be a team player - dealing with failure, disappointment, but not giving up.

[Anonymous]

No. Do NOT quit because it makes him sad, lord!

I have 2 sons, super competitive and not so great. Both get sad at the end of games if they don't play well. You can't protect your child from being sad, but teach them how to work through that emotion (and not with ice cream like most of us were taught).

You should read the book Mindset. Your child is learning to be resilient. It is one characteristic that needs to be taught to kids and will help them through their whole life.

My 11 yo has already been cut from 2 teams, but he found others, made new friends, etc. he loses a lot (one sport is individual) but he keeps trying.

Eventually ... Everybody gets cut, whether it is at 11, or most kids in high school, then finally college. Very few are really super star athletes.

My super competitive son is in HS, nobody made the basketball team of his friends. So they all joined an intramural league and are having a blast. The players, like my 11 yo that got cut in middle school are right in the mix.

It's about friendship, camaraderie, overcoming set backs. The compassion show between boys when one gets cut is really amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Do NOT quit because it makes him sad, lord!

I have 2 sons, super competitive and not so great. Both get sad at the end of games if they don't play well. You can't protect your child from being sad, but teach them how to work through that emotion (and not with ice cream like most of us were taught).

You should read the book Mindset. Your child is learning to be resilient. It is one characteristic that needs to be taught to kids and will help them through their whole life.

My 11 yo has already been cut from 2 teams, but he found others, made new friends, etc. he loses a lot (one sport is individual) but he keeps trying.

Eventually ... Everybody gets cut, whether it is at 11, or most kids in high school, then finally college. Very few are really super star athletes.

My super competitive son is in HS, nobody made the basketball team of his friends. So they all joined an intramural league and are having a blast. The players, like my 11 yo that got cut in middle school are right in the mix.

It's about friendship, camaraderie, overcoming set backs. The compassion show between boys when one gets cut is really amazing.

but how much playing time would a non-athletic/non-competitive kid get in this team? OP's son is already sitting on the bench a lot and hard for OP to watch. And frankly what does a kid get out of such experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Do NOT quit because it makes him sad, lord!

I have 2 sons, super competitive and not so great. Both get sad at the end of games if they don't play well. You can't protect your child from being sad, but teach them how to work through that emotion (and not with ice cream like most of us were taught).

You should read the book Mindset. Your child is learning to be resilient. It is one characteristic that needs to be taught to kids and will help them through their whole life.

My 11 yo has already been cut from 2 teams, but he found others, made new friends, etc. he loses a lot (one sport is individual) but he keeps trying.

Eventually ... Everybody gets cut, whether it is at 11, or most kids in high school, then finally college. Very few are really super star athletes.

My super competitive son is in HS, nobody made the basketball team of his friends. So they all joined an intramural league and are having a blast. The players, like my 11 yo that got cut in middle school are right in the mix.

It's about friendship, camaraderie, overcoming set backs. The compassion show between boys when one gets cut is really amazing.

but how much playing time would a non-athletic/non-competitive kid get in this team? OP's son is already sitting on the bench a lot and hard for OP to watch. And frankly what does a kid get out of such experience?

The dreaded "playing time" issue.

My less athletic child does not play as much as the top players. But truthfully the top players are better and most play the sport at home every moment they can. It's like the smarter kids, they get A's, they get chosen to speak at assemblies, they go to better colleges. This is how the world works.

This is why my son joined one individual sport, everybody gets their shot. If you lose you don't move on (in tournaments). It's like swim team, there is only 1 person with the best time, yet kids come back year after year after year, knowing they won't beat those top 2 or 3 swimmers. Why?

For son 1 he loves to be active,he wants to bewitch his friends. For son #2 he believes he can get better and eventually be the top player.

In HS coaches will roster some sports teams in such a way that you may never see the playing field, but you are still part of a team, you can still put I to you college app as an EC, you are still working out and getting healthy and strong,you are with your friends. Each child has their own motivation. Some kids are fine with that, some are not. My son made Varsity as a Freshmen, yea! He played about 20 minutes the whole season... Ouch! That was a learning experience.

[Anonymous]

Try an individual sport. My son isn't very good at the team sports he's tried so he started tennis and fencing. In tournaments, there is no uneven playing time. All fencers fence the other fencers in their pools. Then, they all get to fence at least once in a direct elimination round. The ones who win that continue. So every fencers get plenty of time to fence. I'm sure other posters could recommend other individual sports where kids get lots of playing time like golf.

[Anonymous]

Mine is also like this. He is just not into team sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Do NOT quit because it makes him sad, lord!

I have 2 sons, super competitive and not so great. Both get sad at the end of games if they don't play well. You can't protect your child from being sad, but teach them how to work through that emotion (and not with ice cream like most of us were taught).

You should read the book Mindset. Your child is learning to be resilient. It is one characteristic that needs to be taught to kids and will help them through their whole life.

My 11 yo has already been cut from 2 teams, but he found others, made new friends, etc. he loses a lot (one sport is individual) but he keeps trying.

Eventually ... Everybody gets cut, whether it is at 11, or most kids in high school, then finally college. Very few are really super star athletes.

My super competitive son is in HS, nobody made the basketball team of his friends. So they all joined an intramural league and are having a blast. The players, like my 11 yo that got cut in middle school are right in the mix.

It's about friendship, camaraderie, overcoming set backs. The compassion show between boys when one gets cut is really amazing.

But how do you make him resilient? My son is so nervous and unathletic that it makes him feel so bad and he hasn't lasted very long in most sports. He has found one sport he seems to like, as long as he isn't competing and just learning. I don't think he will get resilient making him do sports that he is THE WORST at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kid was 9, he had been on the same rec soccer team,with the same group of kids, since Kindergarten. Most of the team stayed together in the winter for rec basketball as well. If you watched a game or a practice, 3 kids stood out in a negative way. I'd describe them as follows:

Mr. Impulsive: Fast as lightning, aggressive about getting to the ball, but no sense of strategy or strategy or positioning. He played as if the point of the game was simply to touch the ball. (note: Mr. Impulsive wasn't on the bball team)

Mr. Space Cadet: Could run fast, or perform a skill in a drill, but seemed to lose the thread of the game. Frequently seen staring off into space or daydreaming, while the ball sailed past him.

Mr. Panda Bear (my son): Big, and slow (physically, not cognitively) and gentle. Great sense of strategy and positioning, but it took him a long time to get to that position. Very hesitant to play aggressively, or take the ball from other kids. Not accurate at all, I don't think he ever got the ball into a basket or goal.

Today they're all in HS.

Mr. Impulsive switched to basketball, and now plays year round. He made varsity as a freshman because basketball is a sport where moving quickly, making decisions quickly, and being aggressive are key. And he's good at all those things.

Mr. Space Cadet: Switched to wrestling. All that physical contact and deep pressure keeps him grounded and focused. Undefeated last season.

Mr. Panda Bear: Captain of the football team, and a starter on the offensive and defensive line, where size and strength matter a lot, and speed and ball handling don't matter at all, and where his strong sense of positioning is a huge strength.

My point is that I wouldn't think of a 9 year old as good or bad at athletics. If he likes sports, and doesn't have some major coordination problem, I'd assume he just hasn't found a sport that plays to his strengths, and I'd encourage him to keep trying different things. Maybe fencing, or water polo, or martial arts, or cross country is perfect for him. Just keep exploring, choose camps that offer a variety of sports, and pay attention to what he likes.

I love this! You HAVE to be in the mental health field?!

[Anonymous]

There is so much more to various sports than making the goal. I know that's what the kids focus on, but when your kid isn't particularly talented, focus on the areas your kid has more control over! My son loves basketball and is ok at it. Together, we pick out what he wants to improve on. It might be to control his area of the court, make excellent passes, stay moving, remain focused on the game even when his team is down by a lot. There's going to be some area where your non-athletic child can make improvements that will be beneficial to the team. Over a couple years, my son became an excellent rebounder. He's still not great at making shots but his defensive game is now among the best on his rec team.

As long as your son is enjoying playing overall, look for other ways for him to focus on improvement so he doesn't get wrapped up in just striking out. You and he can work on the skills that he's lacking, but there's a good chance there's something he's not bad at now. Focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Do NOT quit because it makes him sad, lord!

I have 2 sons, super competitive and not so great. Both get sad at the end of games if they don't play well. You can't protect your child from being sad, but teach them how to work through that emotion (and not with ice cream like most of us were taught).

You should read the book Mindset. Your child is learning to be resilient. It is one characteristic that needs to be taught to kids and will help them through their whole life.

My 11 yo has already been cut from 2 teams, but he found others, made new friends, etc. he loses a lot (one sport is individual) but he keeps trying.

Eventually ... Everybody gets cut, whether it is at 11, or most kids in high school, then finally college. Very few are really super star athletes.

My super competitive son is in HS, nobody made the basketball team of his friends. So they all joined an intramural league and are having a blast. The players, like my 11 yo that got cut in middle school are right in the mix.

It's about friendship, camaraderie, overcoming set backs. The compassion show between boys when one gets cut is really amazing.

But how do you make him resilient? My son is so nervous and unathletic that it makes him feel so bad and he hasn't lasted very long in most sports. He has found one sport he seems to like, as long as he isn't competing and just learning. I don't think he will get resilient making him do sports that he is THE WORST at.

Here is a link that might help.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-for-raising-resilient-kids/00017272

My general rule of thumb is if my child is the absolute worst on the team AND HE wants to leave the team, I will find him a more appropriate team/sport but it has to his decision. Sometimes the kids want to stay and work through the frustration, sometime they want to leave.. But usually it's because the coach is plain ole bad. My son left a team because the coach was a jerk, twice he was cut. It's hard.

Conversely, if my son is the absolute best on the team he needs to move up, but it has to be his decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Do NOT quit because it makes him sad, lord!

I have 2 sons, super competitive and not so great. Both get sad at the end of games if they don't play well. You can't protect your child from being sad, but teach them how to work through that emotion (and not with ice cream like most of us were taught).

You should read the book Mindset. Your child is learning to be resilient. It is one characteristic that needs to be taught to kids and will help them through their whole life.

My 11 yo has already been cut from 2 teams, but he found others, made new friends, etc. he loses a lot (one sport is individual) but he keeps trying.

Eventually ... Everybody gets cut, whether it is at 11, or most kids in high school, then finally college. Very few are really super star athletes.

My super competitive son is in HS, nobody made the basketball team of his friends. So they all joined an intramural league and are having a blast. The players, like my 11 yo that got cut in middle school are right in the mix.

It's about friendship, camaraderie, overcoming set backs. The compassion show between boys when one gets cut is really amazing.

But how do you make him resilient? My son is so nervous and unathletic that it makes him feel so bad and he hasn't lasted very long in most sports. He has found one sport he seems to like, as long as he isn't competing and just learning. I don't think he will get resilient making him do sports that he is THE WORST at.

Totally agree. I've never understood the mindset of "don't let them quit, they just have to learn to be resilient". In my opinion, if the child is upset, has low self-esteem, and dislikes the sport, what's the point of continuing? Find an activity that s/he excels in and feels good about. When my son was in second grade, I had him on a basketball team. He dreaded each and every practice and game. Finally, he broke down in tears and said he just didn't want to do a sport "involving balls". We laugh about that remark now, but it was exactly what we needed to hear at the time - a real wake up call. Here was a child who had terrible hand-eye coordination and putting him into team sports just didn't work for him. At all. It caused stress and anxiety - the complete opposite of how we wanted our young son to feel. Eventually, he discovered running and was on the cross-country team all through high school. He was also part of the orchestra, a terrific "team" experience as well. There is something out there for everyone, and it doesn't have to be sports.

[Anonymous]

My DS has abandoned all team sports. He has hypotonia and motor issues, and it would just be terrible for his self-esteem to stay on a team.

He lifts weights, swims, goes to Dynamite gym, does ballet, and will try yoga.

Our emphasis is on health, not the rest. He has team spirit enough in his different clubs.