I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with your husband, but it does seem like it would be a lot of effort and you will have to explain this to everyone (work, friends, professional colleagues), who will all be curious (or nosy) about the change. So it seems like there will be a long period of really reliving it or trying to brush it off. If you're okay with that, I could see it working, but honestly I think it would cause more emotional pain to be confronted by others constantly as to why everyone changed their names. And people can be annoying/persistent about this stuff.

I have two colleagues that changed last names due to family alienation/issues (both women who took their mom's maiden names) and people harass them into getting at least minor details when they find out. So at least once a week or so, the subject comes up because someone tells someone else what is perceived to be an interesting nugget of info and then my colleagues have to come up with something. And these name changes took place decades ago!

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is a crazy idea at all and in some ways will add to the healing. People used to to this all the time when they first immigrated to the US,.

That said, you or DH would have to it would have to explain why - telling the in-law story over and over again - to friends and neighbors.

Are you planning to move? THAT would be a great time to change your name! But yes, I would do it now before your boys are any older.

[Anonymous]

What would you tell people as the reason for the change. Or would have to be a short, believable explanation, having absolutely nothing to do with family drama, for many people not to make assumptions that you guys aren't flaky or high drama. Honestly, I'd assume you were hiding from someone, maybe for good reasons.

[Anonymous]

How about this for the reason you provide inquisitive people: your family decided to honor a deceased relative/friend/whoever who means a lot to you. And leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

If it works for you, it works for me.

And I don't think that I would ask you why you're changing your names. If you told me why you're changing your names, I would be interested, but I wouldn't ask. Asking would be nosy and none of my business.

Which is also why I suggest preparing a non-answer answer for people who do ask, for example, "It's the right decision for our family at this time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for all the typos - too early and typing on my old, old computer!

Is the keyboard out of date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this for the reason you provide inquisitive people: your family decided to honor a deceased relative/friend/whoever who means a lot to you. And leave it at that.

+ 1 Come up with a good, quick "fiblet" and use that. Tell your boys when they are older.

PS There is something kind of wonderful about creating a family name JUST for your family.

[Anonymous]

Do it!

My spouse came from a very abusive family, and changing their name was really meaningful to them. At the time I was reluctant, but I was wrong. Outward symbols can have a big inward impact.

The logistics aren't that hard. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

I did something similar when I was in my early 20s. No regrets and it makes me happy when I think about it. It was like starting fresh and gaining a new sense of self and independence separate from the person I was with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know it's controversial, and trust me we have talked extensively about how this isn't "fixing" anything and he seems aware of that. It's more about what the PP said, his identity and our children's identities (who are both boys btw so would likely carry this on) are connected to this name and my husband (and I?) would rather them be connected to something we create and sustain. My maiden name wouldn't work at all so we'd create our own last name for the four of us. And to be honest, as tired as I already am thinking of the logistics of all this, I do kind of like the idea that we would be creating something that's just "ours" so that the poison of his family (and trust me, it's bad) isn't something we all were tied to.

Queer families do this a lot. Not that hard and really cool. Options include blending names (which would not work for you) or coming up with something significant and brand new. Super cool. Names are actually a huge deal and while it will not erase all of the hurt and anger it certainly will feel empowering. You sound like a great spouse.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends did this a couple years ago. They notified people via their xmas cards, with a letter that just slightly alluded to the family situation that prompted it and that it was done after much thought. I wouldn't rule it out but live with the decision for a year or so before making a final decision. Yes, it's a hassle to change your name but women do it all the time when they get married.

[Anonymous]

A guy from my high school took his wife's name when they got married. His father left them and they never saw him again so he didn't see the point of keeping his name.

Another guy I know took his mother's maiden name as an adult, also because of an absent/jerk father.

These examples happened when the individuals were in their 20s and at the time of marriage.

Another family I know use a combo of both last names for the kids' last name. A little confusing because the names are all kind of similar and there are 3 last names (mom's, dad's, kids') for one intact family but it works for them.

I also have a cousin who changed her first name officially. The new name has the same first letter and she did it in college.

So, really anything goes, the sooner the better, maybe during a transition time-new job, moving, etc. Make yourselves happy.

[Anonymous]

I have a close friend who regrets not doing what you are suggesting. Making up a new last name for the family.

They are very religious and the husband's last name does not reflect their religion at all-in fact, indicates that they are not of their religion.

She kept her last name but the 4 kids have the dad's.

They even had a great name picked out that was meaningful and started with the same first letter as husband's name, but they just didn't go for it. Too late now. Oldest kid in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my friends did this a couple years ago. They notified people via their xmas cards, with a letter that just slightly alluded to the family situation that prompted it and that it was done after much thought. I wouldn't rule it out but live with the decision for a year or so before making a final decision. Yes, it's a hassle to change your name but women do it all the time when they get married.

A friend of mine did something similar. Perhaps acquaintances wondered why, but close friends know it's because his parents were horribly abusive and he had to cut them out of his life. If it might help your husband heal, do it.

[Anonymous]

Friends did this after his father did something awful and they all wrote him out of their lives and needed emotional space . They took his mother's maiden name. No regrets as far as I know. It was a bit hard for those of us who knew them under the old name to remember but it's no biggie.